So Nicole Kidman is pregnant and due the same time I am – at some point in July…Yes, I realize this is her first pregnancy and yes, I know she is eight feet tall, but if I have to look at anymore photos of her in the media, I just might hurl…If you compared me to her you would absolutely think I was either a) carrying multiples – as in more than two multiples, b) my due date had been grossly miscalculated or c) I must have gestational diabetes. Of course I know that I am five foot three and carrying my third child in four years but still…I find it horribly unfair that her breasts are not hanging down to her ankles or that her cleavage does not begin right under her neck making it close to darn-near impossible to find shirts that don’t flash the general public the million times one must bend down and pick up one’s soon to be walking one year old. I am also certain that she does not have the lovely “white lightning” as I like to refer to my new friends, otherwise known as the stretch marks that are extending on the top back of my hips…Oh yes, I know – I am being vain and of course I realize it is a small price to pay for the joys of my three children; however, I would love for one second to not feel like I should actually be in a primitive tribe in Africa living a bucolic life while serving as a wet nurse to all of the village babies and sporting my beaded lip disk. I recently spoke to someone who had had a breast “lift” of which I have no qualms about considering once junior arrives this summer but I must admit that the girls did flinch a bit when she described the procedure…She used the phrase “cookie-cut your nipples then re-attach” that made me think that maybe it would not be worth it – for about two seconds. Then I decided that this was a small price to pay for actually being able to wear clothes that look good instead of tents that Mama Cass from the Mama’s and Pappa’s used to sport back in the day (God rest her soul with all due respect). When you have a rather large bosom (doesn’t that word remind you of something a home economics teacher would use?) and you choose to wear a looser-fitting shirt, you might as well select to wear a muu-muu or a caftan as this is precisely what becomes of the garment once it is slid over your head. I often decide to simply wear a sports bra which does indeed make them look smaller but is not always the most comfortable option, comfort of course having a lot of pull (no pun intended) these days. I have considered going to get fitted for a new bra just to hold me over until July but the thought of this makes me down-right giggle – I can imagine the poor sales associate instructing me to hold them up so she can measure them around the nipple as she is supposed to do and can also see tape measures and chalk getting stuck in crevices and cleavages that could be somewhat traumatic so I have decided that I will wing it and wait until baby has arrived and I have gotten to pre-baby weight for this fun experience. To add insult to injury, while I was complaining to a friend of mine today about the absolute lack of maternity bathing suits that contain underwire tops for support – I mean if ever there was a time to break out the extra stainless steel armor it would be to corral these girls during pregnancy – she informed me that it is now not recommended for pregnant and breast-feeding mothers to wear underwire tops because it could prohibit milk-ducts from forming and could lead to infection…Dear God, I say, give us the option to at least take the chance for in less than a month I will be going to Disney with the family and will have to sport a suit with a flimsy padded shelf bra that will be exhausted after being worn just one day. Regardless, I still say that Nicole probably does not care much about the fact that she will not have underwire in her maternity suit this summer – in fact, she probably won’t even wear a maternity suit this summer or any maternity clothes for that matter…Lucky, genetically-blessed girl I say…