One of the greatest joys of Sawyer getting a bit older these days is that Susannah and he are actually able to start playing together. We’re talking authentic, real interaction with one another here – not merely sharing the same room during playtime without uttering a word to each other. They are having fun except for when they are pummeling each other and it gives me hope that someday, when I’m dead and gone (cue violin accompaniment, please) they will be close and familial.
Recently, Sawyer has been able to partake in Susannah’s favorite form of play – the pretend games. There is something so fun about watching a young child develop enough cognitive awareness that he or she can engage in pretend games of another time, land, or being altogether.
Yesterday, Susannah and Sawyer were playing “Chrissa” (this would be her new American Girl doll that included a DVD we are all obsessed with) and as they both rounded a corner and nearly knocked Solomon and I to the ground, Susannah shouted “Mommy, I’m pretending to be Chrissa!!!”
When I asked Sawyer who he was pretending to be, he looked at me with wide, innocent brown eyes and without skipping a beat said, “Me.”
“You’re pretending to be you?” I asked. “Yes” was all he could muster at this point because he just had too much to do with playing Chrissa and pretending to be himself and all.
Later in the day, I found myself reflecting on this conversation and came to realization that maybe what he said was not so out there after all because, truth be told, sometimes I feel like I’m pretending to be me, too.
I’m pretty comfortable in my own skin. It took a while. But I am. I think most people would describe me as a real, what-you-see-is-what-you-get kind of gal. I try to shoot straight from the hip because honesty and truth is something I value beyond belief.
But since I am being real and truthful right now, I must admit that there are times when I feel like I am such a work in progress that I’m a little confused as to what I believe and who I think I am. As an onion has many layers, so do we. What resides deep in those layers that is insulated by the outer skin? How does it affect me in the everyday things that I do?
Natalie Grant sings a song called “The Real Me” that I adore. – it goes right to the core and often brings a tear or two to my eye. OK, maybe a few more than two. Especially after I learned it was written after her own recovery from bulimia.
During my journey in faith, I have come to realize that God is the only one who really knows our real heart. The real me. Admittedly, he knows me better than I know myself. Thankfully. This is exactly what Natalie is singing about.
Maybe we can all identify with Sawyer a little bit. Maybe we all feel that we pretend to be ourselves once in a while or all of the time, depending on your place in life at the moment.
May we all just find the courage to start peeling off the mask a bit. Just be. Find out who we are and what we believe in. What we stand for. Be still and know. We are perfect with the 20 extra pounds, with the drooping boobage (not that I have these or anything after bearing three children in four years…), the cracked tooth, the stubby fingernails.
My 20’s were a period of confusion and unrest for me. It wasn’t until I hit the 30’s that the drama in my life subsided a bit and gasp, I began to live a SOMEWHAT normal life. Still with drama. But a more peaceful drama. Yes, it does exist. And I’ll take it over the other kind.
Later in the day when Sawyer came bounding down the stairs I asked him if he was still pretending to be himself. He looked at me like I was completely nuts.
In a loud and all-boy voice he shouted “No, Mommy!!! I AM LIGHTNING MCQUEEN!!!!!”
That’s my boy. May he always be so convicted as to who he is. May he use this as a tool to stand firm and not be scared to reveal his true heart.
On second thought, that’s my wish for us all. Myself included.
Give yourself a gift today and take five minutes to listen to this song and watch these beautiful images. What a great reminder to us all.
What a beautiful post and reminder! What is this ‘normal life’ you speak of? Now I can’t wait to enter my 30’s. I often feel like I’m just pretending. I play house and mommy like I used to when I was a kid, the only difference is that the kids don’t turn into my sibling when the game is over. And the game is NEVER over! :)
I found you on SITS and will definately be back!
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..The great key debacle =-.
Ah…Well…Normal for me might be a bit different. I had a nutso story (as I am publishing segments weekly now you will begin to see what I mean) so I guess this crazy normal is what I now call normal. It is a better normal than I used to have but I can’t help but wonder…
What is normal?
Thanks for reading, Michelle. So glad you stopped by!
great post.. and I just *wish* that I had the innocence of the child pretending! lol
no , seriously.. I never had drama in HS, nor college.. (and I was in a sorority *gasp*).. you know where I found it? after I had my first baby and we started back going to church. yes. the church was full of so much drama it made me sick. the problem was that I never “pretended”. I was and am always real. same as you.. what you see is what you get. I don’t play games. what I found is that most of the women I met were pretending, and my being real didn’t jive with them. it was a shocking and eye opening experience for me.. but I know that God created me as me.and he loves me (and my family) loves me with all my “real” quirks. thanks for the link..sounds incredible!
.-= Elizabeth´s last blog ..every day should be full of love: =-.
I’m so sorry this was your experience, Elizabeth. People such as this can be found everywhere and just because they go to church doesn’t make them any less prone to be this way.
I hope you have found a place where you can be comfortable and be the real you. That’s all that really matters.
Thanks for reading!
Wonderful, I am glad I found your blog. You said it correctly. I guess we are never fully “us” here on earth and never quite were we want to be. The most important thing is that we are aware of the journey and continuing on it and continuing to grow, advance and be aware of ourselves.
Your children sound wonderful!
.-= sara@domesticallychallenged´s last blog ..Another Sappy One…and it’s gonna get long. =-.
Thanks, Sara. Couldn’t agree with you more!
My kids are wonderful. Most of the time. :)
Thanks for visiting – I really love your blog and want to encourage you on your journey!
This is a beautiful post. Sometimes I struggle w/ where I’m at (more physically since I intensely dislike where we live) but this was just the shot in the arm I needed today.
Thanks for visiting my blog. I’m kinda in love w/ that big hunk of kiddo!
.-= Sues2u2´s last blog ..A walk w/ my son… =-.
So glad it could be. We all need those shots…I find I need them more than others…:)
You have a sweet one. I hope my boys are like yours when they grow into their teen years!
I love what Sawyer said!! I agree, that God know us best–the real us–and the closer we get to Him the more we learn to see ourselves through His eyes and that’s where true acceptance is!
.-= Joye´s last blog ..come on, baby =-.
Such a good point, Joye. The closer we get to God the easier it is to accept ourselves as is. When I find myself doubting who I am it is usually a direct correlation to the how faithful I am feeling at the time. When I pull away and think I can do it solo, this self-doubt creeps right back in…
Thanks for reading and commenting!
Stopping by from SITS to say hi. Nice post and beautiful song. Thanks!
.-= ctymouse´s last blog ..Nuit Blanche =-.
I’m so glad I saw you on SITS and stopped by. I can totally relate to the drama (hence my name!). It IS a different kind of drama these days though, and while my life is far.from.normal, it is a whole lot normal then it used to be. Thanks for the reminders in your post today. It’s so easy some days to forgot who the real me is when I’m so busy being someone’s mommy, someone’s wife, someone’s daughter…
.-= The Drama Mama´s last blog ..Shoot the Poop Monday =-.
I have the same wish for my daughter, that somehow I could protect her from the forces that bring insecurity and crush self esteem! I think back on my teen years and wonder how different it would have been if I had not been so scared, so desperate to please everyone and be who I thought they wanted me to be. Thankfully I eventually found that place and I hope that with a lotta help from the Lord I can help my daughter to hold on to the authenticity and fearlessness she has now, just as you said, not scared to reveal his true heart! So just to encourage you to continue to share your true heart, I have a little Sunshine for you over at my blog, just to let you know how much I enjoy reading! http://rirealmom.wordpress.com/2010/02/23/put-a-little-sunshine-in-your-day/
.-= Kathy´s last blog ..A 3yo visits the art museum and…. =-.