I was going to post the third installment of my crazy life story, but friends, I just can’t today.
My heart is broken.
Tuesday night before I went to bed, I blog surfed a bit and found myself at the blog of Cheryl from Orange County, California. She wrote this post that rocked my world (click here to read). It was about sweet Layla Grace and I just can’t seem to pick myself up off the floor today.
I don’t know this family but I don’t have to.
The mother’s name is Shanna. I know her heart. She’s in the “mommy sorority” – the place where the playing field is leveled and we all stop worrying so much about the size of our jeans and who’s going with who because we now walk around with our hearts on the outside of our bodies.
Layla Grace was diagnosed with Neuroblastoma last spring. She was eighteen months old. Yes. Eighteen months old.
As Cheryl stated in her post, Layla just suddenly lost her appetite and became severely constipated.
They took her to the doctor. They found cancer everywhere – it had metastasized to her bones, bone marrow, behind her eyes and both ears, and wrapped it’s ugly self around her aorta. I won’t do Cheryl’s post justice, so please read more about it at SpecialSauce in the House.
To make the story even more horrible, she had an allergy to morphine. Managing the pain was difficult.
She died Tuesday morning at the tender and unfathomable age of two.
I went to bed last night with a sadness that I had not felt since my divorce. I know. I’m sure some are thinking that this is a bit dramatic to be so mournful over the loss of someone I didn’t know but this is so very different.
This was a two year old baby.
It could have so easily been any of my babies.
I have lifted this family up to God on a continual basis since last night. They are a family of believers from what I understand. This will carry them.
Cheryl stated that this tragedy, this parent’s worst nightmare, made her feel like hugging her children tighter, delighting in the noise.
My reaction was the same. It’s that mommy sorority thing.
Today I didn’t worry too much about the laundry, or my list of things to do before I leave to go out of town, or the mud that is continually being tracked in from our spring-thaw-mud-pit-of-a-backyard.
I just didn’t care.
Today I was fully present with my babies. I did hug them tighter this morning. With tears in my eyes.
I took Solomon to his “Mommy and Me” class which is held at a local church. I was particularly thankful to begin my day with my youngest firecracker because, at 20 months, he is just two months older than Layla Grace was a the time of her diagnosis.
We arrived in the lot and after emitting joyful squeals and cracking up uncontrollably over the “Steady Gus the Schoolbus” parked next to us, he pointed to the cross on top of the steeple and said in his little baby boy voice, “What’s that?”
To which I melted a bit.
I explained that that was the cross, where Jesus gave his life for us. He repeatedly asked me and I repeatedly gave him the same answer.
I then bent to his ear and sang a few line of “Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus” with tears rolling down my cheeks.
He patted my cheeks. He gave me his big dimple smile. I said a little prayer that he would one day love Jesus as much as I do.
That all three of them would.
We went to our class and I relished his smiles and squeals, even his protests and cries.
Because I can. And he’s here.
And yet. Yet. I still feel a loss. For them. And I’m so very sorry. So very sorry…
Tomorrow I will post on the other things I did today to “hug my children tighter”. In the meantime, if you are the praying kind, please pray for healing and peace for Layla Grace’s family.
I read about Layla Grace last week on her family’s blog, and cried over their last family photos, and the doctor’s words, telling them this was the beginning of the end for their sweet daughter.
I can’t even begin to imagine their suffering. I hope that the prayers of all of us the world over, connected by the blogosphere and beyond, can give them a tiny bit of comfort.
You’re not being dramatic, you’re being compassionate; and there’s never enough of that in the world today…
.-= Heather´s last blog ..I am blessed =-.
Thanks, Heather. I agree. Everyone’s children are my children now. Sounds so kumbaya but it’s true. Thanks for reading and commenting!
Oh Natalie, I didn’t know she passed!! I’m so sad. She is so beautiful. I posted about her on Sunday when I found an auction for her on SITS (Secret is in the Sauce-Sisterhood). That face!! That beautiful little face!! My daughter is 16 months old and I can’t imagine! I don’t want to imagine! Right now with tears for someone we never knew we have to remember the peace she has. No more needes or pain. I’m glad you posted this.
Yes, if there is beauty in this situation it is that she is no longer in pain. She is in a wonderful place where the need for any of that (needles, etc.) doesn’t exist. Thanks for reading and commenting, Beth.
So sad and heartwrenching. I am going to go read. Thank you for a heartfelt post.
.-= sara@domesticallychallenged´s last blog ..Wordless Wednesday =-.
Yes it is. A shot in the arm for us all. Thanks for reading, Sara.
Natalie…scratch that…your award is going to be on my blog later today or tomorrow…I’ll let you know! =)
.-= MandyP´s last blog ..What the Heck? Wednesday =-.
Mandy you are such a dear. Thank you. I look forward to it.
Natalie…I just submitted a long, heartfelt comment to you and I don’t see it anywhere…I hope it’s being held for moderation!
.-= MandyP´s last blog ..What the Heck? Wednesday =-.
Thanks so much for linking me. You are SO right about the sorority of moms. No matter what our political or religious beliefs, our race, ethnicity, sexual orientation or socio-economic situation, we are all in this together. A child is, in essence, everyone’s child.
The trick is remembering to be grateful and present not just today, but for their entire childhoods. It’s the only one they have. As long as we try, I think we’re doing the best we can.
.-= Cheryl´s last blog ..The X Man is One =-.
Amen, sister! I couldn’t agree more. I am praying that this will be something I hold on to, remember, so that it won’t be fleeting thing. Sometimes I just need a little shot in the arm though I hate that it is at the expense of someone else’s loss. I’m praying fervently for this family.
Thanks for reading, Cheryl!
Know you have me crying. What a moment with your son.
.-= JDaniel4’s Mom´s last blog ..Shearing or Plucking A Sheep =-.
So sorry. I know. I had myself crying. In the parking lot. Can you imagine? I”m certain there were some who immediately labeled me as “loon” material…They might be right…
Thanks for reading, dear one.
I have been following their story on Facebook/Twitter but had not checked in a day or two. Mainly because I knew the end was very near and I didn’t want to read those words. I truly can’t imagine what they went and are going through. If nothing else, I try to see something positive. Her story was shared with so many thanks to modern technology and it opened the eyes of many parents who run through each day so quickly w/o taking quality time to enjoy with their kids. It is natural for us to get caught up in the day to day grind, but this brings us to our knees to truly appreciate how lucky we are. I make it a point each night now to look at my children while they sleep and cherish those innocent faces- you never know if there will be a tomorrow.
That is a great story about Solomon today and again reminds me what a blessing from God children are. Was his observation another sign sent to remind us of what we have been given? Children just always seem to have this ability to say/do things just at the right time.
Enjoy your weekend.
Farin, that is so funny. I sneak into my kids’ rooms and stare at them while they sleep. I’m always worried they are going to wake up and see psycho mom standing over them but they look like such precious angels as they are peacefully resting.
I absolutely, 1000% percent believe that God communicates with us through our children. I started to be able to understand the love of God on a deeper level once my children were born.
Thanks for reading, Farin!
Oh my, I don’t think you should EVER have to apologize for being sad about a tragedy like the death of an innocent baby. It’s called empathy and so few people have it anymore. I am just like you. If I hear stories like this, they haunt me. Like, REALLY haunt me. They stay with me and I dissolve into tears at reading and thinking about them. My husband, long ago, quit questioning how I can become so emotionally embroiled in the life of someone I don’t know, have never met and probably never will…this side of Heaven. Just like you, I always put myself and my kids in their place as I’m reading the story and it makes me appreciate my blessings all the more. After I read your post, I called my son over to give him some extra hugs and kisses…a few stronger squeezes than usual. It really, really puts things in perspective, doesn’t it?
I am so glad to have found your blog. It wasn’t by accident (although I can’t remember for the life of me how I found it…) I had a woman at my church come up to me the other day and thank me for introducing her to your blog. She said, “I just LOVE HER (you). She’s so REAL. Her story is amazing!” And I said,”yes, she is!”
Isn’t it awesome how God can take something that is so mundane and comomonplace to us (like our personal story) and use it to reach people we have never known, never met, and probably never will? Yeah. He’s pretty terrific.
Yes, Mandy, dear, it does. Perspective. I need it so often. I wish I didn’t but oh…I so do.
Thank you for your kind words. You were my first “non-family” reader way-back-when when I launched this blog just this past December. You hold a special place in my heart. You are a sister in Christ. Thank you also for sharing it with others. This helps me tremendously so I appreciate it more than you know.
God uses the mundane ALL of the time and I miss alot of the lessons He tries to teach me. My hope is that my story will make someone else’s journey along the way.
Thank you again for your kind words, dear one.
Yay! Your award is up…and I didn’t know I was your first non-family reader!!! I don’t know why, but that excites me! =) I can say, “I knew her when…”
.-= MandyP´s last blog ..What the Heck? Wednesday =-.
I had read about Layla but didn’t know she had passed. How sad. I am glad her suffering is over however. That poor little girl. I lost a child, there is no getting over it. I pray for her family.
.-= Jen´s last blog ..Boyfriend or Blog =-.
I am so sorry for your loss, Jen. I believe there is a special place in heaven for you mama’s who have lost babies. Peace to you.
This is beyonbd heartbreaking and I can’t even imagine the emptiness that poor family must feel and knowing that it will never ever be filled. Live every moment in the moment.
Sadie at heyMamas
.-= Sadie at heyMamas´s last blog ..Steps away =-.
Yes. It is. I know. And I can’t either.
Hug them tighter.
I started reading about Lyla Grace from your blog. Her story just breaks my heart in a million pieces. I can’t even imagine what pain and sorrow her family is experiencing.
Definitely will hug tighter, laugh longer, dance harder…
I know – I continue to pray for the Marsh family. They are living a parent’s worst nightmare but I have faith that our God will stand right with them. Health is so easy to take for granted…
Hug that little one! :)