As I mentioned yesterday, the death of little Layla Grace has jolted me a bit.
It prompted me to realize that sometimes I get so overwhelmed with the other things and forget the whole point of why I am staying home to raise my children to begin with – to raise them in the way they should go.
I once read, God only knows where since I have read so much that I’ve addled my brain, that mothers always have a love for their children but can sometimes lack a compassion for them. While I hate to admit this, I am at times guilty. I want some time to read. To write. To not have to talk to anyone. To just be.
So I might have a shorter fuse at night (am I the only one?) because that time for me is coming and I just want to get there.
Compassion is out the window, friends. I get a little barkier and just want them to go to bed already.
After returning Solomon to our home after our “Mommy and Me” class on Wednesday and picking up Susannah to take her to preschool, I had planned to run some errands BY MYSELF.
But then there was Sawyer. All dimpled with black eyes and long lashes looking at me with a sad face.
He was the only one who would not be going anywhere that day. He was to spend most of the day with our dear Miss Betty, who we adore but is still not as exciting as getting out on the town. No one would be.
“May I go with you?” he asked.
How on earth could I say no?
After explaining to him that he would need to be patient while mommy shopped for some new spring clothes, he excitedly set out to put on his shoes and grab his VERY LOUD dragon to take with us. I didn’t care.
He was overjoyed. So was I.
Sawyer is my middle child. I refer to him in conversation often as the “middleman”.
Of our three, he is the most spirited and while I hate to admit this, the most challenging. He stretches and grows me as a person more than I ever thought possible.
JJ and I are often at our wit’s end with him. We love him dearly. Yes. I would not change him in any way. He is fearfully and wonderfully made.
But I sometimes worry that I am not reaching him in the way he needs to be reached. Not showing my love in the way he receives it. Not having enough patience for his almost-three-year-old boy energy. The list goes on.
Part of it is the dreaded “mommy guilt” on my behalf. Since he was only six months old when I found out I was going to have another baby, I have always felt like Sawyer was gypped out of his babyhood.
But today was all about spending time with just him. I rarely get one-on-one time with him so in a snap decision, I decided that he would skip his usual afternoon nap and spend the day with mama.
We had a ball. I fell in love with my son all over again.
Since my daughter is the one that tends to be like Lucy from the Peanuts gang, Sawyer often gets talked over and told what to do. But not today.
We laughed and giggled. The answer was “yes” to everything.
He was wonderful as I tried on clothes in the dressing room. He told me I looked like Ariel. I think it was his way of saying he thought I was pretty. Maybe not. But I’m going with it.
He got a new car for being so good.
He asked repeatedly if we could go the park. It was 65 degrees today. Our first warm spring day. Yes we can, my dear boy. Yes.
Just the two of us at the park when it is usually all four of us, sometimes five when Daddy is home, with no one to compete with for my attention.
He went wild on the tractor he loves.
We walked on the nature paths and found a big stick. He wanted to walk over the bridge. I said yes.
After we were tired and had had enough, he asked for Superman ice cream at the Silver Dipper.
I said yes.
In the car on the way home I said to him, “I love you, Sawyer. You are my special boy.” To which he replied “I love you, Mommy. You are my special mommy.”
My heart melted.
We must be on the right track. We must be doing something right.
When we returned home, I noticed that our first crocus had popped its little head out of the ground.
A new season is upon us.
Train a child in the way he should go and when he is old, he will not turn from it.
Proverbs 22:6
Thank you for your gentle reminder of what so many of us forget in the crazy and wonderful world of being a mom! I am a childcare provider and also have four kids (ages 18 to 5), today was the perfect day for me to read this post. My kids have also benefited from your post as I was feeling overwhelmed today, now I just feel peaceful. Have a wonderful Friday!
Thanks, Ann. I’m so happy you took that away from the post. Hope your day was great – thank you for reading and commenting!
How do you DO that?! You have totally made me cry, again. Just a few tears, mind you, but still…
Natalie, you are a wonderful mom. We all suffer from that mommy guilt. Thanks for sharing your day with your boy with us; it’s so important to spend individual time with each of our kids, but when there is only one mom, it’s hard to find the time to do it.
You have inspired me to make that time this weekend.
Thanks!
(btw, I’m in Lebanon, Ohio, but I grew up in Harrison, which is just across the border from Indiana.)
.-= Heather´s last blog ..One hour =-.
Thank you, Heather. Your kind words of encouragement do help to read. Yes, the mommy guilt thing is huge – I am trying to let that go because I know that is not God’s voice but I have to fight it. I want to do the right thing for my children but I can’t do it all.
Bummer that you are in Ohio – if you were in Indiana we would only be 30 minutes away! :)
From what I’ve noticed, it seems the middle child tends to be the most spirited one. I know mine drives me bonkers all day long. He never stops. Sometimes, though, it just takes spending time alone together to realize just how truly special our kids are. We’re so used to no no no that yes yes yes is a very nice change of pace.
.-= C @ Kid Things´s last blog ..Phonological Delay Disorder =-.
All of my friends who have middle children will attest to this as well. They are the ones that test us the most as parents and stretch us beyond words. You are correct – the time is invaluable and SO worth it!
this is a beautiful post about a mothers love. Your son is precious! Those pictures made me melt!! I’m a middle child too and one on one time with my parents was rare … it’s a blessing and joy when it happens!!
.-= Lauren´s last blog ..kitchen love =-.
Yes, I know that this is often the fate of the middle child. I am trying to get more time with him so he DOES remember one-on-one time with me…Trying…Slowly…:)
Aww, that nearly had me in tears. I feel the same way about our oldest son. He’s 9 and is having a very difficult time in school. (3rd grade). My husband and I were discussing last night that with all the issues we’re having with him in school, we’re not enjoying him. So last night, we took just him out for pizza. It was a lot of fun to spend time with just him. We’ve also decided not to get on him so much about school.
I’m so glad you got one on one time with your little guy! He looks like a little sweetheart!
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..Conversations with boys =-.
Great idea, Michelle. I am a former third grade teacher so I understand! Sometimes you just have to have some fun and build up the relationship AND self-esteem before you can crack the code.
What a perfectly amazing day! By the way, I love your children’s names, they are all so pretty and different.
Sadie at heyMamas
.-= Sadie at heyMamas´s last blog ..Steps away =-.
It was a great day.
Thank you for the compliment…THOUGH I must admit that I write with pseudonyms. They are not their real names though I have been debating lately about using their real names. Not sure where I stand with that one yet but I also like Susannah, Sawyer, and Solomon so I went with it! (These were all choice 2 names to their actual names!)
I love your “middleman”. I have a middleman and I mine, like yours, is a struggle. However, my heart just melts when my youngest is napping and Thomas sits on my lap and does the hundreds (one hundred kisses)! How could you not love that!
Well isn’t that just the cutest? Love it. Thanks for a great idea!
This is so beautiful. Even though I don’t have children I often learn from those that are. This post was one of those posts that I learned from. I am glad you had such a wonderful day with Sawyer.
I think that is what is important about life….learning and moving forward with that learning.
And for your son to know how special he is…and for you to know how special you are. Beautiful. It made me tear up :)
Have a wonderful weekend!
.-= Christy´s last blog ..Caffeinated Randomness :: 25 Things =-.
Thanks, Christy. You are correct – we learn, we learn, we learn. There’s always grace. Thank Sweet Jesus. There’s always grace.
I’m guilty of that, too. It’s hard. I think fatigue plays a big part in it, too. But thank goodness we have these moments to relearn the most important things!
I couldn’t figure out how I had missed all your posts, until I remembered that when my computer died, it took all my feeds with it. Somehow I missed adding yours to my feed reader on my new laptop (I like my laptop! :P ). I wasn’t ignoring you – just so you know!
.-= Andrea´s last blog ..Caffeinated Randomness: Could somebody please take out the dog? =-.
Fatigue plays a HUGE part in it – you are correct!
No worries at all, Andrea!!! :) I’m glad you are back in order and you now have a laptop! WOOHOO!!!
Now that sounds like the *perfect* day. “He told me I looked like Ariel”… my heart just melted!! That is SO sweet! I am sure this is a day his heart won’t soon forget. Good job mom! :)
.-= Jennifer´s last blog ..my first giveaway! =-.
Thanks, Jennifer! That was the best part of the day for me, too. Loved those words…Thanks for visiting and leaving a comment!
Kids can be so cruel. Makes me so sad and scared for Lily to go to school (thinking about homeschooling), I don’t want her to be exposed to at that. I know it’s important for kids to learn what the real world is like, but it’s hard not to want to protect them from all the evil.
I’m really enjoying reading about your life.
I want to start recording some things from my past as well, because I do intend on printing off my blog to have as a journal for my kids and grandkids to look at.
.-= Crystal´s last blog ..Celebrating Oliver =-.
You wouldn’t believe how healing sharing your story can be. It’s amazing.
I’m also so hoping to make others who have had wild rides see that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Keep on keepin’ on…
Thanks for reading and commenting, Crystal!
That is precious. This is a day that will help get through many days. I love to hear your heart about Sawyer. I had a good time just reading it. What a blessing for you, Ariel!
.-= Tracy´s last blog ..To Live Life As One, Inside Out =-.
Ariel…Yes, this is my new name. Though my daughter ruined my dream a bit when she informed me the other day that I don’t look a thing like Ariel in the least. Ahh….the honesty of a five year old…
Oh this just brought me to tears…You ARE a ‘special mommy’…and I so need a day filled with YESes all over the place. I get so grumpy at night. I shut down and just want to play hide ‘n seek … only I don’t want to be found. I only have one child so what’s my excuse? lol
So needed this. :)
Oh and Ariel is gorgeous…that was a total complement!
~melody~
I love it – me, too! Have you ever read the book by Karen Katz called “Where is Baby’s Mommy?” It is hysterical – the baby is playing hide and seek with his mommy (by the way, it’s a board book) and at the end he finds his mommy – HIDING IN HER BED!!!!! Is that not brilliant! Karen is my favorite baby author because you know she did that for us tired moms…
One child is work so don’t underestimate! :)
Also, just so you know, my daughter informed me that I look nothing like Ariel. HA…I’m going with Sawyer…
Thanks for reading, Melody!