Please note that this is a series. If you haven’t read Part One and Part Two, please click on the “My Life” page at the top and dig in!
Note: You may want to have a coffee ready. Or chardonnay. Depending on the time of day of course…
So I found myself fatherless with divorced parents by the time first grade rolled around. It was a horribly confusing time because I was rebounding from the trauma of my father’s erratic behavior and the yelling. The yelling…
I began to nibble. Too much. I particularly loved junk food of all kinds and found myself eating anytime I felt confused or lonely – which was pretty much always. I soon became a chubby little girl that needed to wear JCPenney’s “Pretty Plus” sizes for girls. I began to be teased about my roundness. I sunk deeper.
I’m pretty sure I just survived.
I remember sitting in my second grade class and listening to the boys in the back make “fat jokes” about Natalie. The teacher would reprimand them which, of course, made it worse – it drew more attention to my shame and embarrassment.
Oddly enough, I still had many friends – I was like the chubby Natalie from “Facts of Life” which was a hugely popular sitcom while I was in elementary school. The irony is not lost on me. No. I realize we were both named Natalie. I heard about our similarities constantly. I grew to hate her. I grew to hate my name.
I didn’t know at the time that I was fearfully and wonderfully made. I had no idea.
My mother entered a relationship that stunk of bad news from the beginning. He had a son, Stephen, exactly my age. He had been told his mother had died in a car accident. My mother had been told the same thing. I continued to just survive.
I will be honest and say that I remember telling my mother how much I disliked him (not in those words). Call it the intuition of children if you will. I screamed it in the stairwell of the castle. I remember. I was eight.
I saw something she didn’t. I possessed an uncanny intuition at such a tender age.
This intuition still haunts me now.
To give my mother the utmost grace, she was also in survival mode. I can’t imagine her anguish. She was alone. She had a child. This was not in her plan. She just wanted to be settled and she thought he was the one to be settled with.
He wasn’t.
Not even remotely.
Friends, maybe someday I will spill all of the contents of this, but let’s just say that it wasn’t a pretty time. And we were coming off of a not-so-pretty time already.
Let’s also not forget that I wore Pretty Plus sizes. And I was being teased at school.
I distinctly remember eating dinner around our wooden, 1980’s style dinner table one night when the phone rang. Stephen answered.
It was his mother.
Turns out, she hadn’t died in a car accident after all. Huh.
And that, friends, was the beginning of the end on that one.
More stuff happened. Stuff I may spill someday but not now.
Suffice it to say, the relationship ended when he started to sleep with the middle school art teacher. Sometimes our biggest blessings are wrapped up in a big sheet of sadness and despair.
And my mother. My mother. Bless her soul. She was done.
I became emotional. I was in fourth grade at this point and cried at the drop of a hat. Sure, many fourth grade girls cry at the drop of a hat. But this was constant. This was an anxiety that caused me to cry when I missed an assignment at school. When I forgot my lunch. When my gym shoes had been left in my bedroom.
Stuff that wasn’t “cry-worthy” caused me to completely lose it. In front of everyone. So now I was the “fat girl” AND an emotional basket-case.
I know it was no accident that I was placed in Mrs. Bogan’s fourth grade class that year. She knew what was happening. My mother was her colleague. She grabbed me and held me close. She spent time with me before school. She was there. Present. She looked into my eyes and told me I would make it. I would pull through this and there was no need to freak out about every little thing.
She was the second lifesaver in a sea of despair. The first being my grandparents.
My grandparents…
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful. I know that full well. – Psalm 139:13-14
Funny how we are caught up in our own lives and remember things so differently! I remember you as pretty, sweet, and popular. And never wearing jeans. We were in the same 4th grade class, you know. But then again, I was FRESH off the divorce of my parents and that was my first year in a new school. Thanks for sharing your story. I’m enjoying it and it inspires me!
P.S. I also remember you had an amazing collection of Sweet Valley High books! :)
Awww…Debi. Thank you. Things aren’t always what they seem, eh?
I failed to mention that I started to pull out of the “pretty plus” sizes around fourth grade but definitely by fifth grade. That will be addressed in Part Four.
Sweet Valley High? LOVED THEM… You are correct – I will also be addressing my obsessive love of reading in the next part, too. I loved those SVH books…
Thanks for reading and commenting, Debi!
Natalie, thanks for sharing the details of your past with us; I feel like I know you more each time. I’m sure your story will help others dealing with similar issues…
.-= Heather´s last blog ..Another milestone =-.
Thanks, Heather. I think there is so much power in sharing our stories – if I can touch one person and encourage them in any way, it’s worth it to me.
Your blog is my morning vice with a cup of coffee (the other is People magazine, but from early posts I know you can concur on this and Im happy to know that Im not the only one that lives for its Fri deliver and am crushed when the post office screws it up and doesn’t get it to me til Mon. I used to work for Time INc and got it delievered to my office on Wed……ah those were the days).
Thank you so much for sharing this very personal story. I hope by writing it and putting it out there, you are able to heal whatever hurt is still there in the heart. I must say this is the best “book” Ive ever read as I know the end already- a very successful mom, wife and woman. Now I can read backwards to the hard stuff. I just wanted to crawl through the monitor today and hug this little girl.
Have a great day and thanks for blogging- its the one thing I always want to do, but dont’ feel witty enough to do.
Farin. Thank you so much for your kind words. I was feeling a little down because I was looking at my stats (bloggers should never do this, I know) and realized I had lost eight subscribers in the past week. I know this is normal and everyone in the blogging world experiences this, but I was still bummed.
After reading your comment, I didn’t care anymore. Thanks for the encouragement.
People magazine…LOVE. IT. I get more upset than I should when I don’t get it on Thursday. I have even accused the mail carriers of keeping it to read and delivering it to me late. Hello…Get. A. Life. Already…
Thanks again so much for your comment, Farin. As I said, I needed it today!
LOL- I too think they are reading it!!!!! Starting to think we are twins seperated :)- I too am a Hoosier, but in the Notre Dame territory.
Love it! A fellow Hoosier! WOOHOO!!!
Second, third and fourth grade were definitely rough years. I remember them all too well. I do remember you and those Sweet Valley High books, too funny. I feel like you are kinda writing my story as well. Hey, it made us stronger right? I dont know how teachers do it? They definitely are a huge part of a child’s life. I now know that Miss Nelson from 3rd grade used to cry on the way home from school the year I had her knowing what I was going through with my dad. I never would have known that she was upset. I always looked at her like the one person in my life that was not crying about my dad. She kept me strong. Mrs Bogan and Miss Mohr both took the time out of their lives to come to my dad’s funeral. What great teachers we had when we really needed it. Keep up the great work, I really dont know how you are doing this, it has to be hard. :)
I love you Lebanon girls…I know, Brooke. We were so incredibly blessed with the most amazing set of teachers during that time, weren’t we? We had no idea but they were such angels from heaven.
They are why I chose to become an elementary teacher. They were that powerful.
I also love the mentions of my SVH obsession – I became a book nerd then and to this day it’s my obsession. Could be worse I suppose.
You know, I am putting my story out there for myself but also for others. The ending it a good one and if I can encourage just one person to keep on keepin’ on, it’s time well spent.
Thanks for commenting, my dear, oldest friend!
Natalie, I just want to adopt you and have you re-live your childhood with my girls. I feel so bad for children who grow up in an unstable home. It is the parents responsibility to provide this for their children. I know as a parent life is so complicated I do, but I feel for kids like you.
But you seem like such a great adult, so you are a success in every way!
Sadie at heyMamas
.-= Sadie at heyMamas´s last blog ..Small miracles =-.
You know, I really DID have a pretty great childhood despite the drama. You know why? One amazing mother. She was and still is, incredible. Love her dearly.
There is a happy ending to this story but you just haven’t seen it yet – we’ll get there…Slowly, slowly…we will get there.
Thank you for reading and for your sweet comment, dear Sadie!
My grandmother was also my saving grace. You are beautiful and I have enjoyed your story thus far…
.-= Melissa Papaj Photography´s last blog ..Lexi and Kate – Newborn Twins – Utah baby photographer =-.
Thank you, Melissa. My grandmother is precious to me – glad you are enjoying the series! Thank you so much for reading and commenting!
Oh, Natalie, today’s post was so compelling. I love the phrase “fearfully and wonderfully made.” And, I love that you credit your teacher for helping you. My three co-blogger daughters are all teachers. I’m sending them this link so that they are reminded of how much difference a caring teacher can make. Thanks for sharing this oh so personal bit of your life.
.-= Debby´s last blog ..6 Things I Shouldn’t Have Done? =-.
Thank you, Debby! I am a former teacher – elementary. I had incredible elementary teachers hence why I was motivated to become one myself! Please encourage your daughters – teaching is TOUGH profession but the most valuable at the same time. Thanks for reading, Debby!
Natalie–I too had a Pretty Plus childhood–although I don’t remember it being called that. I more fondly (I guess I can call it fondly) remember being called “Fat Mama”. This was a nickname given to me by my cousins–which was accompanied by the “Fat Mama” game where I had to chase them with my big, fat, hot pink plastic bat and hit them with it. It wouldn’t have been so bad, except I was too slow to actually catch-up with my older, leaner cousins… Luckily for both of us, we had someone to love us–who didn’t care that we were Pretty Plus. I enjoy reading your words each day. Take care!
Well, Megan…I think this is why I have always loved you so much! We are “Pretty Plus Sisters”!!!!! No one better mess with THAT sorority…
I loved your comment. Not that you were made fun of but that you seem to be able to giggle about it now. I would not call you “Fat Mama” – I would call you one “Beautiful Mama.”
Thanks for reading, sweet Megan!
See how much the Lord loves and cares for you?! Even back in 4th grade… He gave you that wonderful teacher, who are really a rarity at any time.
Love and hugs to you, Natalie!
.-= Amanda´s last blog ..Word filled Wednesday =-.
inspiring