Please note that this is a series.  If you haven’t read the previous posts, you might want to do so!  Please click on the “My Life” page at the top and dig in!

Note: You may want to have a coffee ready.  Or chardonnay.  Depending on the time of day of course…

Upon hearing his voice, my heart stopped.   He was a junior and in a popular fraternity – did I want to come over for dinner sometime?

Well, yes.  Yes, I did.

The rest, of course, is history – the beginning of the period in my life that I would be taught the very most.

Cam and I dated all through college.  Some would say we were the “All-American” couple, the Barbie and Ken.  I was president of my sorority, he held several leadership positions in his fraternity.  We were blessed with many friendships.  We knew a lot of other students on campus.

Upon my college graduation, we both moved to Indianapolis.  It was pretty obvious that we were going to be getting married – it was just a question of when.

I moved into an apartment with a girlfriend and Cam lived with one of his college friends.  We were adjusting to this new phase of our lives and loving it.  We worked during the week and partied intensely on the weekends.

Then one day, the fast lifestyle we were living caught up with us.

I was 23 and Cam was 25.  I got pregnant.

We were not married.

Both of us were “Chreasters” (Christmas and Easter churchgoers).  We had no faith of our own – I didn’t believe anything at this point.

A baby was not in our plan at that moment – we wanted to get married but we wanted the big and fancy celebration that all of our friends were having.  I had envisioned my wedding day and having a pregnant stomach was not part of that vision.

We did not choose to have that child.  I did not miscarry.  I will let you deduct what we chose to do.

The nasty thing about abortion is that when you make that decision, you are forced to view it as a scientific one – I believed the baby in my body was a cluster of cells, not a human being.  I continued to believe this until I was 28.

Skipping over several details that will be filled-in within the next post, I found myself at rock bottom at 27.  I looked up and I found.  His amazing grace washed me anew.

However, I was absolutely left with the residue of some of my decisions, some of the things I had done that I felt certain would be unforgivable in the eyes of God.

It’s only now that I am eight years into my walk with God that I know this is an untruth so many people believe.  There is absolutely nothing He would not ever forgive.

Suffice it to say, I married JJ (I first did marry Cam – those details will be shared in the next post) in 2004.  We welcomed Susannah in 2005.  I was overjoyed and thrilled to be a mommy.

And yet.

I found myself mourning the loss of my other baby, the one I knowingly chose to not allow the opportunity to live.  I wondered what he/she would look like, wondered what he/she would like to do.

Every October I think “I could have had a ___year old at this point.”

I mourn the loss almost always of that little cluster of cells.  I wish I had made a different decision.

You wouldn’t believe how many times I have sought forgiveness from God from this huge sin, this unspeakable act that so few will ever admit.  You have no idea how many times I have pleaded with Him to release me from it’s grip, to wash me with His water.

Of course, I know this is completely unnecessary.  One time is sufficient.  I know I’ve been released by Him.  But it has taken quite some time for me to release it from myself.

One of my life verses is Romans 8:28 – “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

Thirteen years later, I am continually amazed by His incredible grace.  I have a husband that loves me, cherishes me, makes me feel so very loved.  I have three beautiful and healthy children.  I have opportunities to minister to others often.  That, my friends, is pure and simple a portrait of the grace of God.

I recently worked through a Bible study on King David, a man of greatness and yet a man of also great sin and destruction.  He betrayed his best soldier, Uriah of the Hittites, and slept with his wife, Bathsheba.  When she became pregnant with David’s child, David chose to arrange to have Uriah killed in battle rather than to face him with the truth.  He then married Bathsheba.

God told David that the child Bathsheba was carrying would die soon after birth and he did.

However, soon after this tragedy, Bathsheba became pregnant and eventually gave birth to Solomon – the Lord loved him and knew that one day, Solomon would build the much-anticipated temple the people of Israel had been trying to build and would also be a wise and loved King.

David had been trying to build this temple for quite some time and was continually disappointed when it did not happen.  His son was given the job and David had a hand in the construction – even after his horrid sin, God provided something for David he had longed for, had desired, for so long.  Yet another portrait of God’s grace.

I plan to eventually volunteer at Life Care Services, a local crisis pregnancy center, and counsel those who are undecided on their decision of what to do with an unwanted pregnancy.  I will not ever be legalistic on this issue because I have walked this path but rather will simply be honest and share the reality that comes soon after one decides to terminate a pregnancy.  I hope to be a living example of God’s goodness and grace.

I have been washed by the water.  I am as white as snow.  I am so very blessed beyond measure.  I am so very much in love with Jesus.

I want you to know that I struggled on whether or not I should share this with the world.  I didn’t really want to and yet, I kept feeling the tap on my shoulder to be real, to reveal the truth, so that others could understand the grace of God.  I would like to thank Amber at The RunaMuck for being a feather in the cap of this decision.  I would also like to thank a dear, sweet friend of mine who recently confided in me that she too had made the same decision and felt that God could never forgive her for it.  Ask Him and He will.  You too will be washed by the water and will be as white as snow.

I know this is a controversial topic.  I realize there are so many opinions on this matter.  I would just simply ask that you respectfully refrain from any comments that would be full of condemnation for trust me, I have condemned myself enough for this already. Let’s concentrate on using this story for nothing but good.