The overwhelming feeling of heaviness washes over me.
I stare at the cross.
I feel conflicted – am I doing what you have called me to do or am I just doing stuff to be doing stuff?
Am I serving you or am I serving myself?
Are you calling me out or calling me in?
To whom much has been given, much is expected.
But how much is too much or is there even such a thing? Where do we draw the line?
I feel demands on my time and remember that Jesus was scheduled tightly, too.
I feel that I can’t give anymore to my circle of influence and am reminded that many just wanted to touch his robe.
I feel tired but remember that even Jesus had to retreat, had to go to the hill and pray, had to sleep in a boat.
I feel guilty because I want to help everyone who asks and yet I know Jesus didn’t heal them all.
It’s just this stuff I carry today. And normally I can rest in Him on a Sunday morning and open myself to the message but today, the heaviness washes over me.
Our pastor discusses “Cape Town 2010” and shares stories that make me feel ashamed of my selfishness. Genocide. Rape. People killed for believing in Christ. And yet hope. Change. A commitment to the gospel that I’m not sure I possess.
Would I die for what I believe? Would I cower like Peter and deny I’m a follower if a gun was pointed to my forehead? As the image of my family flashes through my mind, probably I would. I would deny it. I think I would do literally anything to stay with them.
And yet I wonder then if this makes my family an idol. Is there something I need to examine if I doubt I am willing to take a bullet to the head for my faith?
Am I overthinking this too much? Perhaps. But I’m not packing my suitcase filled with Bibles and heading off to Afghanistan.
I’m merely raising a family. A young one. I am tired. I want to do so much for this world and light a fire for Christ that burns through generations, but alas, I am merely raising a family.
“NO.” The voice interrupts my thoughts. “”NO.”
I stop. I look around and make sure someone didn’t speak this to me. No one did. But someone did.
“You are sharpening arrows. You are increasing the number in your quiver and your arrows, you are raising them to be deadly ones. Not a vicious type of deadly but a type of deadly that speaks truth in a world that doesn’t want to hear it. You are not merely raising a family – no. You are planting mighty oaks of righteousness and your ministry is in cultivating them until they bear fruit.
Until they can make disciples of all nations,
until they will proudly state they believe,
until they won’t deny me.
Perhaps then you will see the scope of what you are doing but until then, rest in me. Be still and remember who I am.”
“Who you are?” I wonder.
“God. Yaweh. Wonderful Counselor. Prince of Peace. Everlasting Father. Mighty God.”
“Why are you speaking only to me?” I ask Him.
“Because you, you dear child, ahh…you. You are the apple of my eye. The giggle in my days. The one I love beyond what you could ever fathom. You, whose works are beyond well, you who share my love by just being in me. It’s you I delight in, dear child, and I don’t like to see the enemy grabbing you by the hand and telling you what you aren’t doing in a sea of thoughts that are drowning what you are.”
I’m dumbfounded. I have to sit for a moment and be sure I’m hearing this correctly. Is this what I want to hear or is it really Him?
“And furthermore, should anyone ask, I feel exactly the same about the person sitting next to you right now. And the person next to her. And him. It doesn’t ever stop,” He adds.
It’s real. It’s Him and not me. The last sentence made me certain.
It’s true that I pour out. And out. And out.
I want to do so much – I want to take the world by a storm and travel to Africa for mission work. I want to work in human trafficking. I want to tackle the mistreatment of children.
But it starts here. Here in my little family who I am hopefully raising to be the change I want to see in the world. I’m sharpening my arrows so my quiver will be filled with ones that are powerful, ones that are effective. Ones that are not satisfied with status quo.
What I do does matter. It may not be traveling through Afghanistan or dying for my faith but I am waging a war against a culture that conflicts with the way I want to raise my children and see temptations at every corner.
And I have Him here to walk with me. He’s guiding. Even when I least expect it, He’s there. Always.
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.” – Isaiah 40:11
There He is – gently leading me when I lose sight, when I get confused about my one true ministry. He is gently leading. And I follow.
I’m linking up with sweet Jen from Finding Heaven. She’s a gem – please go and read her and the other fantastically wonderful writers who are joining her as well.
WOW!! I so needed to hear this!!! The most important thing (and hardest) we will ever do is prepare our kids for this world. Thanks so much for everything you do and write, you have no idea how many people you reach!! :)
Natalie, this is amazing. God has been speaking this truth into my life lately about what my mission field is. I may long for something larger, but my mission field is large and just as important as a missionary far away. We, as Moms, are guiding the next generations and planting seeds of faith in them. If we fail in anyway, the branches may fail to deliver fruit and I don’t even want to think of that future. I’ll be praying for you dear sister in your mission field.
.-= Michelle´s last blog ..Music Monday & Martha Mondays – A Match Made through Cleaning =-.
I agree, this is amazing! You must be one of the most thoughtful women I’ve ever had the privilege of being in contact with.
.-= debbie´s last blog ..Achieving a New Low =-.
I have realized too that being “just” a stay-at-home-mom and a housewife are the two most important jobs in the world. It took me several years to get a clue about this. Our ministry and mission does start within the walls of our home.
Natalie,
“Raising Generations”. You should wear your necklace today. Let the metal that warms to your chest remind you of your mission field that is “S, S and S”.
Love you friend,
Erin
.-= Erin´s last blog ..Let Them See Jesus A Desperate Mothers Prayer =-.
If only more people would focus FIRST on whom God has placed immediately in their lives (i.e. their children and family), then so many of the other problems wouldn’t even exist! Your family IS is your first priority. Yet, amazingly, even in that, God uses us beyond them in ways we may never know (whether through writing, like you are, through modeling to those around you, through how you spend your money, through who your kids may someday be, through relationships in our lives, etc.). Plus, this is a season of life…there are others right now who CAN do those things that your heart so wants to do and who ARE doing those things. God will (and is) lovingly guide you, dear one. Your thoughts so eloquently expressed here, are constantly at the forefront of my mind. Thanks for your realness in sharing them.
Wow. I got chills reading this. So beautifully put.
I am so glad God had us meet in the shuttle leaving Relevant and I didn’t miss out on you and this post! Wow!
Natalie, I’m FINALLY making it over to you (Jen’s been encouraging me to for a while!). I’m so glad I did. Thank you for being so raw. I can relate in many ways and will walk away with much to chew on.
I just became a stay-at-home mom one month ago, precisely because I want to be the one primarily influencing my children in this world (they are 2 and 1, boy and girl respectively). I have often found myself wondering if I’m making a difference but then I know – I just KNOW – that this is my “spiritual act of worship”, that loving these kids in the daily, as God’s hands and feet, is the biggest act of warfare I could possibly engage in.
I am a warrior when I get up and make breakfast, sit down and read a story, clean the dishes, do the laundry. I am also a warrior when I teach my two-year-old to tell the dragons under his bed to leave “in the name of Jesus”, that Jesus is with him when he’s afraid, that all he has to do is talk to God if he feels alone. I am a warrior when I won’t take no for an answer as I advocate for my daughter through her medical issues. I am a warrior when I apologize to my kids for losing patience and ask for their forgiveness. I am a warrior when I forgive them for misbehaving.
We are on the front lines. We are engaged in battle and also helping to prepare our little ones for one. We are definitely fletchers, we moms. May He establish the work of our hands and give us grace in the journey. A-MEN.
.-= Jenny Forgey´s last blog ..Juicy Meat =-.
This is so beautifully real my friend. Beautiful just comes to my mind because our journey with Him…the ups and the downs leads to something so amazingly breathtaking. I so needed to read this today. To remember how we are loved and how every single thing we do matters…the small things…the big things.
<3
.-= Christy´s last blog ..November Wallpaper and You Answer =-.
This is music to my soul today — passion, God’s clear word, gentleness, encouragement, validation. This is a piece truly inspired by the Holy Spirit — may He hold onto all of us and flow through us every day as powerfully as today!
.-= Jen´s last blog ..Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood =-.
Family IS our greatest ministry…thanks for the reminder, and for telling us how Jesus speaks to you. :)
Natalie…I think the Lord sent this blog post right to my eyes…I must say, you are being used right here on what words you place down for us to see. He is using you in a very mighty way! I am in a season where I will NEVER question who my Savior is but I wonder just what I am doing for His kingdom so many times. I feel ‘stuck’, feel backed into a corner….but as you said…my ministry is right here to raise these babes to feed themselves, bear fruit…I love this, thank you!
Thankful for One who leads us…yes.
Wow! “Am I serving you or serving myself?”. Good question and one not only have I been debating, but one that I am hearing others debate today. Funny how some of us are in the same spot.
.-= Amy Sullivan´s last blog ..Who Is Driving Anyway =-.
Love this post~ must say that I am having the same conversation regularly with myself and God… questioning my purpose and calling. But I come to the same God-spoken conclusion. What you are doing matters. Awesome, thanks for the wonderful words and reminder.
.-= Mandy´s last blog ..Make Room =-.
My family is an idol that I have to continually drag off the throne(it is not a bench up there). But that is my problem, because I put them up there–losing sight that they are not the end goal. They are my call.
Good words.
.-= Ordinary Em´s last blog ..A Mother Said- “No” =-.
Amen, Amen, Amen!
.-= GlowinGirl´s last blog ..The Joy and Sorrow of Christmas Cards =-.
WOW…so, I’m now crying all over the place and my computer. Thank you…I know people say that they “needed” such and such a post…but I have had one of those “in the trenches” kind of mornings…and I REALLY NEEDED TO HEAR THIS! Thank you…for comforting my heart…it’s sort of like crying with a friend who really understands! May God bless you richly, my dear bloggy friend!
.-= Bobbi´s last blog ..Word FILLED Wednesday- Dynamic Discipline! =-.
This is my first visit to your blog – I’ve never heard of it before, but I’m glad I found it through my blog-hopping adventure today. Thanks so much for this post – it is all too easy to listen to satan’s lies and let them influence us, though it is so wonderful when God speaks to us and throws out those lies, and instead gives us a renewed view of who we are IN HIM, and the way we fit into the world around us. And what He wants us to do in this world.
God bless you for your blog ministry!
Dear Natalie, You have expressed your thoughts beautifully. They mirror my own. Thank you.