It’s never fun to realize you’ve been called to have a hard conversation.
I am not a drama-lovin’ girl. I try to avoid it at all costs because well…truthfully, it exhausts me.
This is precisely why I begin to say “No, no, please God, no! Anything but that!” and feel I must go fetal in the corner when I feel Him nudging me to face something in a relationship that I would rather just bury under a rug and move on my merry way.
Hard conversations are not my forte. So because of thise, I pray fervently for direction and guidance before I answer the nudge to engage in one because I know there is no way I’m going to make it out alive without Him guiding my words.
Yes, friends. There are times to draw boundaries in your friendships and no, this does not make you 1) selfish 2) unkind and 3) un-Christian.
There’s this confusing myth when we accept Christ that we all must be accommodating and overlook some less-obvious sins of our brothers and sisters because of the whole thing about having a log in our own eyes (Matthew 7:3, NLT). We are all so scared of that one verse and the one about the adulteress who was brought to Jesus by her townspeople (John 8:1-11), that we often feel we should dare not utter a word because we ourselves are not without sin.
And then there’s Proverbs 27:5-6 – “An open rebuke is better than hidden love! Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy.”
We are called to speak the truth IN LOVE when our friends are sinning against us or anyone else for that matter.
These conversations are usually so scary to us because we CARE about the person who will be hearing our “open rebuke”. If we didn’t, we would likely not think much about the outcome of our words.
We have to be truthful and real with our friends but here’s the kicker: it must be done in love. With a sweet tongue and without malicious intent.
However, what happens when we have a difficult conversation with a friend and it backfires? What should we do while we are left scratching our heads wondering if we should have said nothing at all and just simply “pulled back” from the friendship?
I wish I knew.
But I can tell you what I think.
First you pray and ask God to 1) reveal your part in this and seek forgiveness if necessary and 2) to guide you on the next step.
Then, you keep your head up. You don’t gossip about it; however, I do think it’s OK to seek counsel from one or two trusted friends who possess Biblical knowledge and can offer wise counsel on the next step. You don’t worry about what other people will think because your honor comes from God (Psalm 62:7) and you keep your eyes on the cross.
You realize that in this particular season, it might be YOU speaking to your friend about a hurt, but in the next season, it could very well be YOU with the misstep. Let’s look at Ecclesiastes 3 and think of it in the context of friendship:
1 There is a time for everything,
and a season for every activity under the heavens:
2 a time to be born and a time to die,
a time to plant and a time to uproot,
3 a time to kill and a time to heal,
a time to tear down and a time to build,
4 a time to weep and a time to laugh,
a time to mourn and a time to dance,
5 a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
6 a time to search and a time to give up,
a time to keep and a time to throw away,
7 a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,
8 a time to love and a time to hate,
a time for war and a time for peace.
(Check out Matthew Paul Turner’s version in his own words – love it. He blogs at “Jesus Needs New PR” and he’s one of my faves.)
A conflict worked-through by two healthy parties willing to seek full reconciliation can absolutely be a way to guarantee solidification of a lasting and authentic friendship but there are also times when we must draw a boundary for our own emotional safety and for the good and well-being of our family.
“As a dog returns to his vomit, so a fool repeats his folly.” – Proverbs 26:11.
Don’t be a fool. It’s OK to step away from a friendship if it is having a negative impact on your life. BUT…
If he or she is hungry, we must feed them. If they are thirsty, we must give them something to drink. (Romans 12:20)
We must tame the tongue and set that boundary. It’s so easy in these situations to become part of the sin that started the whole ball rolling but if we can remain in Him, He will remain in us and we will have no doubt that we have done all we could do to salvage that friendship.
Some things are just beyond what we can do, friends. In fact, MOST things are beyond what we can do. That’s why we have Him.
And we press into the cross and we love and we release and we don’t give up on friendship. It’s far too valuable to allow one bad experience to keep us in a stronghold and deny us the beauty of relationship.
Because to everything, there is a season…
I’m joining in with little miss Jen at Finding Heaven for the Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood…Hop on over and read these impressive ladies!
This is a good one, Natalie. Yes, it’s so hard! I too hate confrontation and avoid it at all costs. I felt God leading me to confront my best friend many years ago when she started seeing someone outside of her marriage (a high school sweetheart). I really felt like I spoke to her about it with love and used scripture to support what I was saying. She didn’t want to have anything to do with anyone who did not support her in leaving her husband. We didn’t speak for several years. I have asked for her forgiveness for the hurt I caused her. She has never apologized to me, but we are now in very sporadic contact. I pray for restoration and healing in that friendship… that she would come to realize that I was doing what I thought was right. So hard…
And yet, you did what you were supposed to do. I always feel that even if we are not in the wrong necessarily, it’s good to apologize for any hurt that you may have caused so it sounds to me like you have done all you can do. I do think that sometimes restoration and healing might look differently from how we might be expecting it and therefore, we might now realize that it has actually already occurred. Is this making any sense to you?
Regardless, thank you for your transparency and sharing your story, Jenny!
Ugh. This is a hard one. I’ve got a relationship that has gone south and needs a conversation. Really, there’s been a silence for a few months (mainly because I’ve been so sick with this pregnancy and in and out of the hospital). There’s been so much time pass, that now I’m struggling with how to address it.
OH NO! First of all, I’m so sorry you have been so sick, Sara! How are you feeling now? I have to admit that I do love your story though…:)
Seek Him first and ask Him to guide you. He’ll show you. I promise.
If I am going to have a tough conversation, I always pray and ask God to go before me and prepare both of our hearts, go beside me and guide my words while the conversation is taking place, and go behind us and heal us both. This process – go ahead, go beside, and go behind – is actually quite applicable to many situations!
Thank you so much for reading and commenting, Sara! We MUST do our little project…
This was needed today, Natalie. Thank you!
You are welcome, Jen! I’m glad it spoke to you. Thank you for letting me know!
Oh, the dread that comes with the recognition of that a hard conversation must take place! In reality, though, I’m glad the dread is there. If it weren’t, I may not press as deep into scripture, prayer, and godly counsel during that time. I’ve found that what I do in the private BEFORE the conversation is often times more important than the conversation itself. It’s such a reminder, too, that God doesn’t call us to an “easy” Christian life. We must follow Him, seek after Him, and lean into Him even when it’s difficult.
Ah, wise word, sista. Wise words. You are oh so correct. Preach it, girl. :)
I try to avoid those types of confrontations whenever possible. The problem is that you can’t avoid them forever:(
That’s right, Debbie! I hear you – I don’t like them either and yet, there are times when you know you must. And then I have to remember that my word for the year is “obedience.” :)
As someone who actually welcomes hard conversations (I know – not sure what’s wrong with me!), I’ve had my fair share. Over the years, I think (hope!) I’ve learned how to be more gentle – I definitely was not good at that when I was young. But even still, the conversations backfire more often than not. I have begun to despair and pull back, but not in a good way. Your words were a good challenge. I need to check my heart. Is it a boundary, love-driven pulling back, or simply a giving up? Thanks!
Wow…can you give us all a seminar? I would definitely attend that break-out session.
Yes, I think we must always go back to our intention. Is it to make a point? Is it to be right? Are we trying to justify our own actions? If so, then we are not confronting with the right heart.
But is it to grow deeper in your friendship? Is it because you care about that person and you feel you must speak into a sin that you see happening? Is it because you can’t ignore the “God nudge” to speak to her/him in love?
Like much, it’s really all about discernment. Thank you for reading and commenting, Jenny!
Oh Nat, this is always so hard. Having been “nudged” ok “pushed” to have a few hard conversations in the past few years has taken it’s toll on me. I know God called me into those situations, no doubt, but man it is hard. Even when you do everything “by the book” (meaning the good book of course) and pray face down, weep, seek counsel etc…it doesn’t mean it will turn out the way you hope. Your comment, “However, what happens when we have a difficult conversation with a friend and it backfires?” has been my question! I know we have no control of the other party, but it really hurts when you try so hard to do things the right way and it goes so south (not saying that I did everything perfectly either, I’m sure I did not, but I believe my heart was right). Unfortunately, I think I am even more gun shy to speak into situations because of the outcome of these ” speak in truth and love conversations” I have had in recent years. I have however learned how to put up healthy boundaries because of them, something I never really did before. I have always just thrown myself out there…heart on the floor to get trampled on. I still do that a little, but am learning how to protect it. I know in all things God has a purpose and will work it out for His good…so in that I find comfort. Love you friend.
I know, girl. I realize you have had some tough ones but I also love that you have not allowed your heart to be hardened. I have the pleasure of knowing you in real-life and you are loving, wise, loyal, and beautiful – on the outside, too. :) You have confronted me on an issue and all was well – don’t forget to count your successes! :)
Love you, too, dear one!
These are times when you have to really use the Lord’s discerning spirit and make sure the ‘confronting or drawing the line in the sand’ is of Him because it could cause so much hurt if not. I’ve been on both ends and also have had a great experience with this as well. This is a very prayerful, driven time for sure. Thank the Lord for His guidance!
Absolutely, Marlece! I wrote this to Jenny:
Yes, I think we must always go back to our intention. Is it to make a point? Is it to be right? Are we trying to justify our own actions? If so, then we are not confronting with the right heart.
But is it to grow deeper in your friendship? Is it because you care about that person and you feel you must speak into a sin that you see happening? Is it because you can’t ignore the “God nudge” to speak to her/him in love?
Like much, it’s really all about discernment.
I agree with you, 100%! We must prayerfully consider and ask for guidance FIRST. Thank you for reiterating that point, Marlece!
I try to avoid difficult conversations myself. Thanks for this. There have been many boundaries over the years that I have had to draw on friendships and I look back without regret.
Yes, knowing when you must set that boundary certainly alleviates a lot of heartache and can remove you from an unhealthy situation as well. Thankful you have no regrets!
I was thinking…maybe we need to be more openly honest about those hard conversations that DO turn out well…cuz, God has been good…and I see those as “small things” but the one’s that BLEW UP…are devastating. How encouraging might the “good stories” be…hmmm? You are a blessing…thanks for your OBEDIENCE to share what God laid upon your heart!
Yes! I would love to hear about them! :) Anyone?
Hi Natalie! Just had a few minutes during lunch to stop by your blog–wow, what an encouragement! I love the depth and wisdom in your friendship series, and it’s definitely good food for thought as I’m struggling to set boundaries in several relationships right now.
Thanks for the link at the end of the post…I’m so excited to check out some more great blogs!
Hi, Elaine! Thanks for reading – I also have a guest post each Wednesday in which I feature a friend of mine in the blogosphere so check back tomorrow! :)
I’ve enjoyed your friendship series, Natalie.
I don’t mind confrontation, but I have damaged friendships because tough talks didn’t go well. One of my good friends is having an affair. I can’t believe I typed that because I can’t believe it’s true, but it is. I lost my temper when she told me, and although, I stand by what I said, but I struggle with the fact that in my anger I may have lost her. . .
Amy – I’ve been in a similar (not exact) situation, and I found my friend hesitating to tell me about the details, because she knew I wouldn’t approve. That actually gave me more confidence to vigorously disapprove, but hopefully in a loving way. Very hard balance. Your anger is only the beginning of what your friend will have to face. She will eventually realize that, and maybe you can let her know that you will be there for her when she is ready. In the meantime, pray.
Oh, girls. Courtney, thank you for responding to Amy. I have not walked this path so I cannot say what I would do/say. First of all, Amy, I’m so sorry you are walking this road. SO difficult to walk that balance between ethics and anger. I love Courtney’s advice – just letting her know you are there if she needs you will communicate much.
I have struggled with female friendships all my life. VERY few have made it past the one-year mark. And usually, it’s because we have to have a hard conversation about how we’re hurting one another emotionally in some way. Women tend to argue emotionally, and I tend to argue logically (for the first part anyway) until she says something so hurtful that there isn’t much chance of a reconciliation. Hence, most of my life-long friends are men (they are just as blunt — if not more so — than I am).
I am so sorry that you are having this obstacle in your life right now, but by sharing it with us, you are showing the rest of us that those same “run away from hurtful confrontation” happens to all of us. Thank you for your guidance on how to best approach it so that we may hope for the best possible outcome. I pray your outcome is better than you expect. :) Much love, — C :)
I’m so sorry for your past hurts, Casey. Emotions cloud things up a bit but of course, God created us to be the more relational of the two genders.
Thank you for reading and commenting, sweet friend!
Wonderful information! I feel there are one too many friendships in my past where I or someone else has not spoken the “truth” and the friendship has dwindled. I think about those lost friends often and wonder “what if”. Some are not to lost to salavge and your post reminds me the importance of Him in these friendships and that with His courage I might still hqve time to erase that “what if”. Thanks Natalie!
Absolutely – if both parties are healthy and willing to work at reconciliation, then it’s not too late. Pray and ask for God’s guidance – He may lay some things on your heart that might be tough to say at first but pray for Him to go before you and prepare both hearts (yours and theirs!) walk beside you while you are speaking and walk behind you while you process.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Kelly!
oh sister, it seems like you really struck a chord with all of us…this is the hard nitty-gritty. I haven’t had too many conversations that were hard, but I also have always had friendships interspersed enough that I don’t give one person enough ‘power’ to wound/get messy…so, not really sure that’s good either, probably some self-protection going on…
Beth Moore’s ‘Loving Well’ is really good to do the step back and sort out our own hearts, like you talk here, where we’re loving with our own strength or God’s heart…
thanks for your thoughtfulness and work to deliver a critical message here. hugs:)
I so identify with hiding from confrontation. Thanks for this post that reminds us that sometimes it is just needed.
You are quite welcome, Rachel. Thank you for reading and commenting!
When I haved to confront a friend . . . I like to practice what I am going to say with another trusted friend, who will help me make sure I am using good, honest and thoughtful words. But it has to be a good friend that I trust.
Thanks for sharing on this tough topic.
Fondly,
Glenda
ME TOO!!!! That’s why I say I feel it is OK to seek wise council from a VERY close and trusted friend. I like to hear my friend’s perspective, too – I want to know if I sound insensitive or if I have acted out of line and I know a good friend will be honest with me.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Glenda!
you and me both Amy…I literally get sick with stuff like this. And yes..as Christians it seems we have to accept every kind of treatment or we are not being loving and Christlike.
Which – in my opinion leaves lots of people in very harmful situations.
I love how you explained it. It is so refreshing when you can have two people come to a win win by talking truth and have reconciliation. Sadly, that is not always possible.
good stuff today girl:)
xo
AGREE – “Which – in my opinion leaves lots of people in very harmful situations.”
Cases of abuse. Straight-out scary deceit. A malicious tongue. Emotional manipulation.
Flee. Just flee.
And yet there are still some victims who are told to “stand by their man” or that God would want everyone to live in peace (which He does but also doesn’t want you to allow yourself to repeatedly be in a harmful situation.)
Ahh…gray areas. Not much black and white on this issue!
Thanks for reading and commenting, Tiffini. Thinking of you these days.
I think you did such a great job of showing how important it is to look at the Word as a whole, Nat. You make the very important point that we cannot live our lives by one sentence here or there. We need to see the whole picture.
It is just these kind of conversations — the hard ones — that can develop into lasting genuine, authentic friendships — as you said. Thank you, though, too, for addressing what to do when that doesn’t happen. When we need to draw a boundary or it seemingly backfires. I appreciated reading your good words today.
I learned this hard lesson last year and I learned. Now I feel so much more confident in my friendships that I have though. Knowing your boundaries and letting your friends know is one of the best things I can think of to help a friendship be the best that it can be. :o)
“That’s why He’s here.” I love that. He’s here just to be with me throughout all the “times.” A friend who sticks closer than a brother!
here.
I hate confrontation, but am seeing I must do it. This all fits in with something in a book I am reading which is worth quoting at length here. “We musn’t just stand there. When people are sinning, we’re morally bound to do something. Saint Ambrose wrote: “Not only for every idle word, but for every idle silence shall we be called to account.” Remember, the biblical model for minding one’s own business is Cain, who asked, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” The question itself betrays his disordered thinking. He was his brother’s brother, and that should have been enough to justify his concern. If we are God’s children, we must come to see others as brothers and sisters; and so we must correct them when they need correction, and help them to grow. Moreover, we must count on our siblings in Christ to correct us when we’re going astray. This is how life goes on in a functional family.” I just hate and fear that people will not take the correction well, so I don’t do it. But I see, after reading this and your references that I need too…
Natalie,
I was your server tonight at La Scala- I got on here after checking my e-mail and facebook- this was some really great stuff! Very good wisdom that I really appreciated. Thank you for your love of Scripture and helpful and encouraging use of it. It was great meeting you guys, and I wish you all the best! Your family sounds like a lot of fun =)
Jessie
Es importante saber los límites de las amistades, porque siempre existen personas o seres queridos que tienen prioridad en nuestra vida y se debe decir a otros que no.
Friendships have their place. First, there are other characters in life.
This write up was very practical …..thank you for affirming that is still loving to set healthy boundaries to protect myself. Jodie xo
You are welcome, Jodie. It most certainly is. Blessings to you and thank you for reading and commenting!
There’s a time to say yes
And a time to say no
But the personal boundary line
Is not the way to know
For life is not simple
And our hearts are a mess
There’s sin and the enemy
And all kinds of stress
But now God is with us
He will show us the way
The personal boundary line
Will lead us a stray
The Lord will guide us each moment of the day
But we must look to him and remember to pray.
” The Lord is my shepherd I shall not want.” Psalm 23