I was talking to a woman the other day about friendships and why they are so important to us all when she made a comment that forced me to stop zipping the coat of my squirmy toddler and really focus.
“I am a horrible judge of character and I just don’t trust my taste in people,” she stated after sharing that she has very few girlfriends.
The emotion that stopped me dead in my tracks was sadness because it was evident that she was held in such bondage by past hurts and it was keeping her from experiencing relationship and community.
And then I reminded myself that not everyone had just finished working through Breaking Free by Beth Moore.
But perhaps we do need a little guidance when it comes to those we seek for friendship?
The Bible tells us that an iron sharpens iron (Proverbs 27:17) but there are many prongs to who we are – one iron cannot possibly sharpen each one.
There are friends I call when I need a good laugh. Those I seek when I need to talk through an issue with a Biblical perspective. Friends who I can share a glass of wine with and ones I know I can depend upon in almost any situation.
But we can’t expect one person to fulfill each of those roles all of the time.
Sometimes we get lucky and find the rare hybrid of a pal that possesses each of these traits but more often than not, we depend on different friends for different reasons.
I recently read something somewhere (how’s that for clarity?) that when we elevate a person to a level that only God can attain, we immediately set the relationship up for failure. Therefore, it is healthy to have different friendships that fulfill different needs.
Merriam-Webster defines “friend” as “one attached to another by affection and esteem” while the word “friendship” is defined as the “state of being friends.”
We can then conclude that this mutually-benefiting relationship is actually the state of “being attached to another person by affection and esteem.”
In other words, love.
The state of loving someone for who they are right at this moment. The state of doing something for a friend without expectations of something in return. The state of having a difficult conversation because you care for them too much to simply let it go and pull-away from the friendship. The state of laughing, the state of tears, the state of just doing life with someone who “gets” you. The state of understanding, the state of grace, the state of knowing when to let it roll off your shoulders and when to intervene. The state of allowing one another to be human.
I have mentioned before that my daughter has a VERY close friend – they are five days apart and can finish each other’s sentences. I asked her what she loves so much about Hannah and she replied,
“She makes me smile and is kind to me when the bullies in our class aren’t nice. Plus, she likes to play puppies.”
Don’t we learn so early?
Friends make us laugh. They are kind to us. They defend us. And they like to play…
Maybe not necessarily “puppies”, but they like to play.
“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
– Dr. Seuss
Joining in with the sisters at Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood hosted by Jen at Finding Heaven…
“when we elevate a person to a level that only God can attain, we immediately set the relationship up for failure.”
Yes, this! Maybe that’s the problem. In my opinion, I was put on a pedestal I didn’t deserve or want. So of course I failed to meet the expectations she had for me…it was set up for failure to begin with. Sigh.
Good morning my sweet friend! I logged on today and smiled when I saw the picture of our dynamic duo :) I am free until my flight on Thursday. Let’s do coffee! I need some laughter in my life and miss you girlfriend!
I love how your girl has found such a girl friend at such a young age! I think it’s so true, what you said about not expecting one friend to fill each need we have in our friendships. It’s important to make our friendships purposeful, too, so we have the opportunity to be the friend who fills the needs of another. In the busyness of it all, it has to be purposeful, so we don’t become that stumbling block like this girl has experienced. Here’s to friendship!…even those in blog world!
Thank you for this!
I love what Dr. Seuss has to say about this! How sweet.
I have a hard time anytime there is even the potential for conflict. Often I will just choose to no longer trust someone instead of working it out with them. However, I feel like God is showing me that when I do this I am choosing not to love.
I guess I did have a friend like your daughter when I was younger, but when she went away to school I lost the one who stuck up for me to the bullies. We are no longer in contact and I feel like I have cheated myself by pssuhing people away in the past because of the hurt all the other young girls caused me. Girls growing up can be so mean. I have had other friends/aquaintances but really no one to stick with me through thick and thin. A few that are closer now but not quite to that extent yet, I don’t think.
This is such a beautiful post. I have a a friend who I call on when I need a laugh but she’s not the friend I will talk about with my spiritual journey. Well, when I need advice or have questions because she’s a non-believer.
But I do have two wonderful friends who are mentors to me and can be there to relate to what I am going through, whether it will be with my husband or with my two daughters.
I love all three of them dearly and wouldn’t know what to do without them.
Friendships, I cherish, I need, I love…
The Lord has so blessed me in this area in my life. So grateful!
I was struck the other day with how we need different kinds of friendship/different kinds of help. Sometimes there are people who I cannot open up to alongside of me but I find inspiring to watch ahead of me. Different people for different needs.
But, I , too am struck when others do not have deep friendships due to past wounds. It makes me grateful for the deep friendships that have encouraged & helped me in life both in hard times but also rejoicing in the good & having fun laughing, too.
But your post has caused me to pause & think about how to choose friends. How would one find that Jonathan/David sort of friendship if all they had really experienced was a Saul/David relationship that you could in no way trust? We do need discernment about who we do become close to and in our busy world it is hard to do because building friendships & really getting to know people takes time.
Good food for thought.
I am one of those people who, because of past hurts, tends to be very careful with friendships. My wounded heart could take no more after last year. Oh. My. But I am learning that those friendships that I love and cherish are so very safe with my heart. Those girls love me just as Dr Seuss says and I could not be more blessed. He has shown me what true friendship is and has blessed me with a few soul sisters I adore.
Loving this series.
Love this post! Beautifully written! Also one of my favorite quotes. Hope you had a great day!
Nat, I loved this! Especially the Dr. Seuss quote;) how freeing it would be to live that…and how much freedom to live and love we have when we don’t put expectations on our friendships or look to others to fill our needs–but also are willing to be friends and be friend-ed. What an important series you’ve done!! hugs:)
You are so right in saying we need different friends for different things. The trick is finding friends who aren’t threatened by the “other friends”. I have had a couple of friends, even in adulthood, who were jealous of my “work” friends, or my “school” friends. This put our friendship to the test, and I eventually had to let it go. Jealousy is not a good ingredient in any relationship.
How wonderful that your daughter already has such a special friend!
“Plus, she likes to play puppies.” That is something my daughter would say!
I am pretty good at friendships. They usually aren’t hard for me, but as I get older, I see how many people struggle with friendships and in turn, miss out on so many amazing life experiences.