For two years, I have suffered an unexplainable eye ailment that has baffled my dermatologist, ophthalmologist, and allergist alike. It rears it’s head a bit in October, lies dormant from November through mid-March, then creeps-in and attacks with a vengeance before I see any signs of it’s unwelcome visit.
This morning I arose to eyes that couldn’t be opened. I felt my way to the sink and was able to see again after using warm water. Imagine my shock and horror when I opened my glued-shut peepers to find this:
Have you ever seen a scarier picture? And can you believe I’m posting this on my BLOG? I have lost my ever-lovin’ mind…
It happened last year as well but we thought it was actually a dermatology issue rather than an eye issue. And now, two and a half years later, we are seeing a seasonal correlation.
But what am I still failing to see?
The evidence is starting to show an allergy to tree pollens. Darn maples. Blasted junipers.
But what am I failing to see?
Yet for the first time in a while, I feel like we are actually getting somewhere. I have three doctors communicating with each other on this oddball of a patient so we might be able to figure something out and to detect this seasonal link? Huge.
But what am I failing to see?
On the flipside, this ailment is not so attractive. At the height, as you see, the swelling doesn’t really subside until days later. I can’t wear eye makeup. My eyeballs physically hurt and the whites look like I’ve been following the Grateful Dead for 25 years.
Not to mention that the onslaught of this random ailment often brings on some mild depression and frustration over the fact that we just can’t seem to figure out what’s going on.
But what am I failing to see?
I was able to obtain an appointment with my allergist early in the day and he wanted me to see my ophthalmologist just one floor above but would need to call and see if I could get in.
They could see me right away.
God’ hand was everywhere – from getting the appointment at such short notice with my allergist, to the friends able to help me take care of my children so I could go alone, to the opening in my ophthalmologist’s office right when I was there, to the treatment plan to reduce swelling, to perhaps finally finding the cause of this wretched condition that has wreaked havoc on my soul for so long.
Poor little Natalie was finally getting some answers.
As I was leaving the allergist’s office feeling hopeful for the first time in two years, I saw it.
Across the hall was a door that read “Cancer Care.”
And I was humbled.
I see now.
The “woe is me.” The feeling sorry for myself. The self-consciousness of the swollen eyes. The redness. The inability to wear any make-up. The anger that “no one can figure this out.” The hours spent in doctor’s offices to “get to the bottom of this”.
Yet I’m not walking through the door that reads “Cancer Care.”
And on this same day, I hear of a girl I knew in high school who was one year older than me. A girl with an angel face and a gentle spirit that was never a part of the “mean girls” crew and usually wore a pleasant smile that suggested a maturity beyond her 16 years.
She lost her yearlong battle with cancer and leaves behind two beautiful adolescent girls who, by golly, need a mommy so much ALWAYS but particularly right now at this moment as they face body changes and boys, right and wrong, and temptation at every corner.
And somewhere tonight, a husband who loved mourns.
God, I praise you. I hear your message loud and clear. I am on my knees.
On this Multitude Monday, God I thank you so incredibly much for all you have been teaching me just in the past few weeks…
371. On pride
372. On humility
373. On loving well
374. On better communication
375. On perspective
376. On trusting You
377. On grace
378. On grace
379. On grace
380. On grace…
And yes, I realize “On grace” is listed four times. I have a lot to learn there.
May you be open to the lessons He is teaching you this week because they are inevitable. He loves you too much to let you stay where you are…
I have refined you, but not as silver is refined.
Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering.
– Isaiah 48:10 (NLT)
Linking with Ann for “One Thousand Gifts” and Jen for “Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood”…
Thank you for this eye-opening post this morning. (Pun most definitely intended!) I hope you’re feeling better soon!
This is especially meaningful for me; I’m right there with you, Sister! No mysterious ailments for me, but I realize that some of the things I do complain about are so insignificant. (Hugs)
He has a way with keeping us humble and things in perspective, doesn’t He?
Oh Natalie! So glad that they are able to zoom on what the real issue might be in regards to your eyes.
I appreciated your very talented way of putting life’s annoyances in perspective and a reminder to me that ‘things’ could be a whole lot worse.
Love you much my friend and hope a solution for your aching eyes will be discovered soon.
Love you,
Lana
So well said! Remembering to ask God what He wants us to see through difficult times is truly how we learn!
It seems no matter what situation we face the Lord always brings us to a place of remembrance and thankfulness in our own time of need. That is what spurs us on to keep on keepin’ on with Him.
Nat, thanks for always being so real. I just love that about you my sweet friend! Thank you also for a beautiful reminder of putting life into perspective. Wonderful post! Praying for you and for your friend’s husband and children.
Glad to know it is not you who has cancer cause I was worried about that as I started to read. I know what you mean. Two years ago right now my son had just had heart surgery for a defect but we felt greatful cause we knew what he had and that he would be ok unlike one little girl in the ICU with him who they didn’t even know what was wrong with her. (Same little boy isn’t feeling well tonight though so everyone say a prayer for him. He’s had a rough winter sickness wise.)
oh natalie, bless you! i am so blessed by this post and the reality of what really matters and how He loves us and gives us perspective, but this would be hard for me too and you with the fearless posting on your blog–such courage and heart here and i love it all and you are beautiful…i hope you ‘see’ that and i pray for your friend from high school too…yes, so hard, so hard.
What a wonderful post and wonderful perspective Natalie. Oh the things that humble us… they are a gift. Thank you for these words. I hope they are able to figure out what is causing the eye problem!
It amazes me how He can take anything and show us love and grace. If grace is an ocean we’re all sinking…
On a side note….I have a weird eye swelling thing similar that happens a few times a year…no rhyme or reason…it just happens. I am praying they find a solution to help you…and soon.
Oh, this just hits me. Where it hurts. Oh, have I been there. Woe is me. I just read another post today about finding ways to be thankful for things that normally would never cross our minds to be thankful for — like leaky roofs. All of this inspires me to be better.
Thank you for this wonderful perspective today.
You had me in tears there at the end. Praying for the family of your friend and praising God for showing you his Hand in your life.
And yet. Suffering is suffering. All pain and sickness and death is a reminder that things aren’t as they are supposed to be, all of them make us long for that day when they will be no more. All of it, from swollen eyes to cancer, will one day be redeemed. Glad you are getting some answers. May God shower his grace on those two dear girls.
Correct, Nancy! Thank you for adding this for you are right!
so good. thanks for this perspective. i needed this.
I just wanted to come back and say thank you for the beautiful comment you left on my blog. Thank you!
You are welcome, girl. Don’t ever think the game is over because it’s so not. There is a light for you while you are in the tunnel (Jesus) and He’ll be there when you get out, too.
You know what verse I CLUNG to? John 15:2-3: “I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. 2 He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more.”
Pruning might be happening now but you WILL bear fruit. Yes. You will.
Hooray for you and your perspective! What an inspiration. I could feel your pain, and I have felt it in a way as I went through a season of eye issues, too. I kept getting styes, massive, eye-swollen-shut, call the nurses in to see this freak show, styes. I couldn’t wear eye makeup and I certainly felt sorry myself. After many rounds of treatments, my solution was self imposed: give up contacts for glasses. I became just a little less vain and then I could SEE. In more ways than one. Praying for you :)
And you know what, Courtney? Each time I see a photo of you, I think “I sure love those glasses!” Isn’t that funny?
Thank you for your perspective, dear one…
Wow! Wow… What a way to get perspective. I wrote a post not long ago about gaining perspective so your words resonate with me in a big way. Glad I stopped by. Here from SDG.
I did this very same thing a few years ago. My eyes would swell shut or they would swell like yours and the white of my eyes would swell and look like egg whites. It was horribly uncomfortable. I actually had to be treated ‘like I was in shock’ in the ER at least 3 times because of the allergens attacking me. I also had to carry a shot kit in my purse incase I swelled when I could not get to a hospital. Allergy meds helped. We never did figure out the reasons it would take place I just got proactive and when my eyes would itch, I would take benadryl to stop the reaction. Hope you get it figured out it is NO FUN. It can also be life threatening. take care
Oh, no. Thanks, Sharon, for the info. I’m going to stock Benadryl up today!
Sweet girl, even if you were walking through the door that said “Cancer Care” you would find His grace at every turn. Swollen eyes, unanswers and kinks in our days are frustrating! Whether we are visiting an allergist or oncologist we all need His grace!!!
Praying for your eyes to be opened ;D Seriously.
xoxo
And unfortunately, you know too well.
And yes, we do need His grace at every turn. My message of this post was “who am I to be complaining about my eyes?” – I think you heard that but I wanted to be sure.
Praying for your continued healing – are you definitely going to be at “She Speaks”? I SO want to be able to hug you in person!
Praying for you & hoping you find answers soon.
Yes, to see it the way He sees it, to offer thanks in the everything, to appreciate the grace He so richly bestows…to be more of Him and less of me.
And I said a prayer for that family as they mourn…
I love the way you look on lessons as blessings. I think I need to write a list, too.
It absolutely tunes you in to the greatness around you, Pamela. I would encourage it!
It made my heart sink when you told us what the sign across the hall said. . .”cancer care”. Good persepective, Natalie, and good job pushing me.
amen – stuff is relative – I’m a little silenced by what you wrote today.
and as for your thank you’s, this one is my favorite from your list this week: 380. On grace… (except I would have listed it either 3 times or 7 times – far better biblical numbers)
Thank you for your list. and the stuff above it. God Bless and Keep you and yours.
True…I just had four spaces to fill…HA!
OH MY GOODNESS
how beautiful God moves this post from shock and fear into beauty of a thankful heart.
love you girl!! (swollen eyes and all)
Wow, perspective. I need a dose of that on a lot of days. Thanks for sharing this. Hope you get some relief soon!
I loved your post today! I can relate to every one of your feelings and reactions — except one! You see, I was one who WAS in the cancer care room. Went through all the treatments and the rough times that those can bring. Still, I went through all those things you listed. . . . and grace, grace, more grace, and even more grace! Which ever room we are in, He is there, and He gives more grace. If we had met on the way out — you from your room and me from the cancer room —- I would have smiled, you would have smiled back, and together we would have walked out the same door with the same Lord in charge of our lives. Don’t beat yourself up too much! I’m sure the Lord hears the same stuff from all of us at all levels of problems. If only we would just learn to trust!!!! Thank you for your post today. It made me stop and think deeply!!!!
Cora, what a beautiful comment. Of course He does.
I meant this to be of the tone in which “who am I to complain about my eyes”? which is how I think you took it as well but just wanted to be sure.
I agree with you when you say “the same Lord would have been in charge of our lives”. Regardless of our circumstances, He is always the same. SO reassuring, isn’t it?
My prayer is that this battle is behind you – I will pray for your healing, Cora. Thank you for commenting.
Prayer helps a lot in times like that. Always keep on fighting and no to lose hope.
Smart Awareness, thank you so much. In support of buyers who exactly choose to trim off fat successfully, try out our website for the preferred option to lose weight very quickly.