I was asked not long ago what I would do if resources were not an issue.
I answered almost immediately without nary a thought.
I would write my life away.
In fact, I joked with my heart sisters that they would have to pull me out of my cocoon now and then to be sure I showered and was somewhat functioning at a human-level.
Yet as of late, I had run out of steam. “You once loved to sit down and write and you couldn’t wait to get it all out at the end of the day and now I think you view your blog as a job and not what you originally intended it to be – a place for you to reflect and glorify God,” my husband said last month.
Why does he always have to be so right?
I did start to view it as a sigh-it’s-Sunday-night-and-I-can’t-watch-a-movie-because-I-have-to-write-a-post kind of thing.
I lost my trust in Him that I vowed to keep when I started a blog – it must be about Him and only Him.
Idols are funny like that. Could my blog really be an idol?
An idol is defined as anything or anyone you put above God. Yikes.
After much prayer and thought over what to do here, I realized that the answer to the above question is “sometimes”.
Sometimes this blog is an idol for me.
Oftentimes we don’t even know what our idols are until we take a step back and try to re-balance. Refocus. Reacclimate. Reprioritize. Re-everything.
And like those crazy pictures that were so popular in the ’90’s that claimed to hide an image among it’s symbols and colors, I couldn’t see it while I was up-close.
I had to take a few steps back.
“Mommy on Fire” now sits at the foot of the altar and that’s where it will remain.
This doesn’t mean I’m not going to write or stop blogging entirely – it just means I’m going to do it in a way that keeps it at the foot of the altar and not on it.
So forgive me if I don’t post four times a week. Or if I don’t link-up or re-tweet (OK, so you know I’m not the best Tweeter anyway) or respond on Facebook or Google Connect or blast smoke signals into the air.
I won’t allow my children to see me on the computer (once in a while if we need information, yes. But not to blog, tweet or Facebook) because I would be horrified if that’s how they remembered me when they got older. Since the time when they are all gone from the homestead totals 5.5 hours a week, there’s not a lot of margin here.
Not to mention that I want them to see what we need to do when we identify an idol in our lives.
“Fast” from it. Step away and re-it-all until you find yourself ready to walk forward in a healthy relationship or walk away from it entirely.
There’s more time for reading. More time for talking and really listening to my husband. More time for lost library books and forgotten gym socks.
Less of a sense that I’m always late. Less of a sense that I’m in charge and not Him. Less of a sense that I need to be doing something productive instead of sitting down to just read or play a game or color or as we did this evening, play our first family game of soccer.
I can’t write this blog and profess the things I believe in to be true if I am not doing it myself. For a while there, that’s exactly what was happening and I’m sorry. I’ve always felt that those who do this are imposters.
I have been an imposter for the last few months.
Not anymore. What a journey it’s been in just four short weeks.
And I can’t wait to write and I don’t feel like it’s my job.
I feel like it’s my heart.
And that’s precisely the meter I’ll use to be sure it remains at the foot of the altar.
Sometimes we have to cry it out and let the kiss of a parent soothe us until we get back on our feet…
But oh, how I do love Multitude Mondays so that will remain. I am ever-grateful for:
561. Your grace – which is how you give us kisses
562. And the fact that it is more than sufficient
563. Revealing what you want us to know when we are ready to learn it and not before
564. A little boy who loves his mama so much he gets miffed when Daddy gives her a kiss
565. The same little boy who says “But I’ll miss you, mama” when I leave for 30 minutes to set-up for MOPS.
566. Three year old boys – see 564 and 565.
567. Four year old boys because they straddle the world of toddlerhood and big boy and are “cool” one moment and clinging to mama’s leg the next
568. Six (AND A HALF, of course) year old girls who are just plain silly and tell knock-knock jokes that don’t make sense but are incredibly funny to her.
569. The power of prayer.
570. The intimacy in which you know us – it’s astounding.
This week may He reveal if there is anything you need to place at the foot of the cross and then may you have the strength through Him to do it.
Linking up with Ann for “Multitude Mondays” and sweet Jen for “Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood”…