This past weekend, my husband and I visited our dear niece whose child is in Riley Hospital for Children fighting encephalitis that originated in a cold sore. Yes. A cold sore.
It’s extremely rare.
And he’s two.
And she just had a baby two weeks before it all happened at the beginning of December.
When we first received the call on that frigid afternoon, we were unsure if he was going to make it at all.
We prayed harder than we’ve prayed in a long time along with several others who love this precious boy with the dimples that melt.
And now, 50-some odd days later, he’s still in the hospital.
His parents are exhausted. They miss their new baby but want to also be with their ailing son who needs supervision at all times. Doctors haven’t seen many cases like his, most treatments are experimental.
It’s like they’re trying to feel their way down a long, dark corridor that might go on for just a mile or possibly 500.
So as I leaned over his bed and prayed to my God that delivers and can do absolutely anything, I begged. And later as I stood over him, I begged some more.
After hearing his moans and watching his constant involuntary movements that kept him from sleeping, I felt it. Helpless.
So I continued to do the only thing I know to do when I feel helpless while I stroked his hair and spoke in a soothing voice and listened to his mama do the same and saw her pain that is incomparable to anything I have ever experienced.
We say our good-byes with big hugs and promise to keep on praying and leave feeling helpless yet again. “What can we do?” we wonder and yet, we both know.
We round the corridor, this man who is my pillar-on-this-earth and I, and we hear blood-curdling screams. A glimpse into another room reveals a young boy around the age of eight or nine, huddled in a corner screaming “No!” at the top of his lungs, surrounded by four adults.
My mind goes wild with what he could be saying “no” to – no more chemo, please? No, please don’t tell me I’m dying? No, I don’t want to be poked and prodded with another needle? No, I can’t do another round of treatment?
I am haunted and know that I have just witnessed an image I won’t ever forget.
We turn the corner again and I hear cries from almost every room. Some are babies. Some are toddlers. All are ailing and fighting and no, it’s really not fair.
And then something unexpected washes over me. I get really ticked off.
So I duck into the restroom and I just cry over the sink and raise my fists in the air and ask “WHY?”
“If you are a sovereign and all-powerful God, if you are filled with grace and mercy and love, then WHY ON EARTH DO YOU ALLOW THE SUFFERING OF THESE INNOCENT CHILDREN?”
Even as I ask, I know the answer.
I know His ways are not my ways. I know that I’m not supposed to try to judge God by my own pea-sized way of viewing the world but still. I do.
I tune Him out. I just stay mad for a bit. I really just don’t understand and I’m pouting.
I’ve heard those who don’t believe use this as a cornerstone argument – if our God is so powerful, why can’t He stop cancer in children? Why can’t He heal a child with bacterial meningitis?
And really, my answer is not one that would convert. I answer with the point of living in a fallen world, that we all have free-will, that His ways aren’t are ways, that He didn’t MAKE the bad stuff happen but He WILL redeem it somehow for good, and yes, I do believe it all.
And yes, I walk by faith not by sight.
But it’s so hard to rationalize when I see such suffering among those who should be playing Pee Wee Soccer or learning to walk.
So after shutting Him out for the rest of the day, I realize that I’ve been mad at my mom, too.
I’ve said things to her in anger I shouldn’t have. I’ve behaved like a child often. I’ve dismissed her advice when it seemed out-of-date.
Yet she meets me with grace every single time. She has never failed to grant me a whopping serving of mercy.
And God is my father. I’m going to get angry with Him and not understand what He does and doesn’t do and I’m just going to be ticked-off at Him once in a while. I will rejoice with Him, I’ll cry with Him and I’ll be worried with Him – so why wouldn’t I be mad at Him sometimes, too?
How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever?
How long will you hide your face from me?
How long must I wrestle with my thoughts
and every day have sorrow in my heart?
How long will my enemy triumph over me?
Look on me and answer, O LORD my God.
Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death;
my enemy will say, “I have overcome him,”
and my foes will rejoice when I fall.
But I trust in your unfailing love;
my heart rejoices in your salvation.
I will sing to the LORD,
for he has been good to me.
– Psalm 13
So I seek truth and rest in His unfailing love. Even when I don’t understand.
Will you join me in praying for Andrea, Shaun, and their little boy? We are praying for complete restoration, for a reprieve for the weary parents, and improvement soon.
With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.– Matthew 19:26
Joining in with Jen for the Soli Deo Gloria Sisterhood…
praying much!
praying….sorrow & suffering among children is so sad…praying with you…thank you for sharing so poignantly
Yes, I will pray and I just did. Your honesty here was touching. I’ve felt the same things before and will again, I’m sure. But I take a lot of comfort from the Bible’s examples of others who are simply honest with God – they get mad and they question. God seems to be okay with that, as he stays consistent with his love even when we are the definition of inconsistency. Thanks for this post.
I agree, Courtney. God does want our honesty because I think that’s when He can do the most work with us. Thanks for reading and offering your thoughts.
Beautiful post, I find myself in a very similar position with God. Feeling completely helpless to do anything and not able to comprehend or understand. Reminding me that His ways are higher and greater builds my faith, but doesn’t quite fill in the blanks of my understanding :)
Ah, yes…The waiting to the see the goodness of His plan game is oh so hard, isn’t it? He really does know the best way and yet I still struggle…This is absolutely one of those things I won’t understand on this side of heaven. Thanks for your insights, Allison.
Your posts are always so honest and usually hit close to home with me. This is no excepion, Natalie. I am praying for you all.
Thank you so much, Jen. Always good to know it’s not “just me”…:)
yes, I will pray!
I’ve been keeping up on the FB page and praying. I think your honesty with God, whatever our feelings, is crucial and critical to our relationship with Him. Here is to us all …walking by faith, not by sight.
Yes. Amen, sister.
Wow! That brought tears to my eyes. There is nothing more that makes me cry than the suffering of little children, babies. Everytime I see one of those St. Jude hospitals commercials, I take a moment to pray to God, for being thankful my children are healthy and have no problems. I will definitely pray and keep praying for that little beautiful soul God created.
I pray that God will touch this lil one and heal him 100%, I also pray that God will give his momma and daddy strength to deal with each day and whatever it has in store for them.
i am praying and agreeing for healing peace and comfort…thanking Jesus in advance of the miracles. He tells us “do not be afraid” and i will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth!
Yes, I turn to truth in these situations as well and yet, it’s still hard to grasp. But as I said earlier in the comments, there really are just some things I won’t understand on this side of heaven…Thanks, sweet sister.
Death was NOT part of His Plan. And just as much as it breaks our heart – it breaks HIS !
praying for healing
Good point, Stef. I know you are correct in that it breaks His heart but there are still so many questions I have on this. Not disbelieving questions because of course there is nothing that would make me not believe…Just the whole why innocent kids must suffer sort of stuff…I know I need to read up more on this topic and I am going to do so! Thanks, sweet friend.
Praying, my friend!
The most challenging faith walk is walking when we don’t understand.
Yes. I won’t be shaken but wow…is it hard sometimes. Thanks, Stefanie.
Love you dear Natalie. Thank you for visiting us and most of all praying for Westin.
It was our pleasure – we are praying without ceasing. You are always on our minds…
AND we ALL love you ALL dearly…I’ll be checking-in with you later in the week.
Oh friend this gets to the heart of a few things for me right now. The image of that little boy screaming no will haunt me today (things like this usually do… children and hospitals…I have a dream about doing something with those kids)
<3
Praying for that sweet boy and his parents and the new baby.
You and me both – seriously, do you think we share the same heart? Could we be separated at birth? :) Yes, he haunts me. I won’t ever rid his face from my mind.
Thanks, sister.
Natalie,
I am heart broken for this family… I started praying before I even got to the middle of your post. We too have stayed one day too many at Riley. Riley is an outstanding medical institution and my prayers are that this family and their son get to go home together soon. When we were at Riley with our son, a nurse asked me how our stay had been so far. I replied with “it has been great, our son has received wonderful care. However, I never want to come back here again”. She smiled and understood. I hope and pray for your cousin and her family that they too never have to go back again. The power of prayer is amazing and will do amazing things! Take care!
Suzi, I didn’t realize your little guy spent time in Riley. It IS a wonderful and amazing place and I’m in awe of the doctors and nurses who work with these children – I can’t imagine how difficult this must be and yet someone has to do it. I’m thankful that the step-up and help even though it has to be one of the hardest jobs on the planet. I also pray that you will never have to return again. Thanks, sweet friend.
I’m praying for this sweet little boy and for his parents. so sorry they are going through this. My daughter spent time at a hospital in the oncology department and …..words cannot describe the emotions. Yet, God is good. Im praying for you as well , that you will be all they need from you.
I’m sorry that you know about this first-hand, Shanda. Thank you for your prayers.