* This is a series – to read from the beginning, click on “Stinkin’ Thinkin’ Makeover” under the header above.
This is a post I don’t want to write, sisters.
Now and then, I feel the nudge to address something and I know it’s the Holy Spirit. However, if I don’t want to address it or if I’m too scared to reveal whatever it is He’s asking me to reveal, I’ll put it off for a while. We wrestle, God and I.
I’ve felt the nudge here and I’ve put it off for a while. Then my friend, Dana, said I should write about…toxic people. I’m obeying Him who spoke through her.
This toxic people thing…oh, we could talk for hours, friends.
I have mentioned in the past that the last two years have been rather challenging with regards to relationships. God has refined me in ways I’m so thankful for now.
But I’m not jumping up and down, begging Him to take me through it all over again anytime soon.
I learned a lot about humility. Even more about forgiveness. And more still about reconciliation. These three alone warrant a book. In fact, I’m writing it now.
And boundaries. Yes. Boundaries.
Toxic people are those who pose a safety threat (emotional, mental, and, God forbid, physical) to either your family or you through their manipulation, passive aggression, “victim” mentality, or unhealthy desire to control everything.
They can be passive aggressive (burying their own agenda through niceties or manipulation to get their way).
They can refuse to attempt reconciliation when the relationship has been broken (because God desires this for us all) which is so oftentimes a passive aggressive game.
They can refuse to leave you alone even when you have placed a firm boundary around them.
Toxic people (who often attempt to control others) will make your thoughts stink faster than you can catch that runaway train heading nowhere.
I know, friends, that there’s this misleading idea that we as Christians should just let these people keep punching us like those Bozo the Clown blow-up dolls from the 70’s.
Bozo always came back up because he was rooted – there were weights in the bottom of him.
But even those with the deepest roots can be knocked-out by a toxic person because we keep hearing that we just need to “love them through it.”
And we should and we do.
For a while.
Sometimes we need to place a healthy boundary around a relationship because “as a dog returns to its vomit, so a fool repeats his folly” (Proverbs 26:11)
In one of the best articles I’ve ever read about boundaries, “Jesus Set Boundaries”, the author, Bill Gaultiere, states that:
“Personal boundaries are what define your identity. They’re like the property lines around a home. This is my property and that is not my property. This is me — what I value, am good at, believe, need, or feel — and that is not me.
To know yourself and be secure that you are loved is essential to all relationships and activities. The better your boundaries of self-awareness and self-definition are the greater your capacity to offer empathy and love to others. Good boundaries help you to care for others because you have a stable foundation to operate from and are not distracted or depleted by personal insecurities or blind spots. (That’s why it’s not “selfish” or unloving to have boundaries and “take care of yourself.”)
Bill then continues to say that boundaries with others, particularly those who are “toxic”, “are not only healthy but holy.”
Jesus DID set boundaries. He stopped healing to spend time with God. He knew when He needed to eat and sleep. He was firm with others when he needed to be because He knew what was healthy for Him and not-so-healthy.
So no, friends, we aren’t being “un-Christian” when we set boundaries. In fact, we’re being holy.
And because this post is nearing 650 words, we’ll talk about how to set these boundaries and get on the road to eliminating “stinkin’ thinkin” caused by toxic people on Monday.
What about you? Have you ever had to establish a boundary with someone? How did you do it?
Natalie, I love you sister for being obedient and writing about this topic. So many can relate and it needs to be discussed in a God-centered fashion! So, thank you. :)
I’ve experience several relationship quandries in the past few years that honestly took me by surprise and am finally to the point where God is showing me a lot of things about myself and other people as a result. Though it was so hard, I don’t think I’d give up those experiences…it has opened my eyes to so much of what you discussed today. Within the church especially, you’re right, we often fail to draw boundaries or even deny feelings/hurts/dealing with pain because we’re afraid it’s not Christian and we are just to “turn the other cheek”. While there are definitely many situations that call for that, it’s just not always the case. I so agree with everything you’ve said and look forward to reading more!
Thank you again for your boldness – God is using you. May your words be used to speak to many who are bound in these toxic relationships and give them the tools to step out in freedom the Lord has for them.
xo :)
Thank you so much for your encouragement, sweet sister Ashlie! I agree with you – though it has been/was/is horrible to walk through, I am thankful for the experience and the lessons He is teaching me!!!
Thanks for reading and commenting, friend!
This topic is often avoided because it is painful. My family went through a toxic detox over the last year and a half. We tried desperately to avoid the obvious for so long and then we attempted reconciliation numerous times only to get slimed again and again. Then we got it… boundaries and lines drawn have brought us to a place where we can be healed and whole. Thank you for sharing in truth and love. The body of Christ needs truth in love!
Toxic detox? LOVE THAT TERM! Do you mind if I include it in Part Two (with credit to you of course!) And I SO SO SO hear you on SO many levels with this. God has done a huge toxic detox for our family and we are so much more at peace and we really do experience less stress. Thanks for sharing your wisdom, Tara!
Of course! Use it… and thank you for being a vessel of God by bringing hope and healing to those who have (or are) been there!
Especially when we have children, we need boundaries. If you have family members who are toxic, yea, even evil ;) then boundaries are your new bff. Protection of the innocent is a godly strategy. Great series.
Oooohhhh….SUCH a good point. Just might need to add that to Part Two…Thanks for sharing your wisdom, Sarah!
I’ve read so many books trying to understand what you just summarized so perfectly in 650 words! Bingo! Thanks for sharing and encouraging us to grow!! You are a gifted writer!
Thanks, Dawn – so good to see you here. I so appreciate you reading and commenting!
This always seems to be a topic we avoid talking about for many reasons. Over the past year, I have had to truly evaluate several relationships that indeed were toxic to me. It was not always easy, but essential. Thank you for giving a healthy and Christian voice to this, Natalie.
I hear you, girl. It’s been a wild year for us as well in that department. And while I lament to myself over and over that I wish I had never met those who are toxic to us, at the same time, we have learned a TON from them. God will always redeem it and love how He keeps us learning. Thanks for reading and commenting, Jen!
I have to admit that when I read your post title, I giggled to myself. Why? Because dealing with toxic people needs more than one post:))
It’s only been within the last 3-5 years that I’ve identified the toxic relationships and people I’ve lived life around. Up until then, I surrendered myself to them, to the relationship. Fortunately, that’s changed. How it changed hurt, but I’m so thankful I was carried through the hurt. I’m leaning on His discernment to identify this people type and relationships so to set boundaries. I’ve also had to give myself permission to set boundaries.
Thank you for this post and its truth:))
You are welcome and I hear you, sister. I had to learn this stuff the hard way, too, but I’m so very thankful for God’s mercies and refinement. I am now very selective of who I enter into “deep” with because God taught me to not go there with everyone and how to discern WHO to go there with. Does this make sense? It’s hard stuff, for sure. But good stuff.
Thanks for reading and commenting, sweet friend!
It makes perfect sense!!
So wish we lived closer:))
You know my story. Pray for me…the boundaries have been drawn and the toxic people are once again trying to cross them. It is a constant thorn in my flesh. When we finally draw the boundaries to protect our families and those boundaries are not respected it is beyond scary.
Is it a full moon?
Do NOT let fear win, sister.
I love you and am praying for this whole mess…
Interesting that you have touched this topic. Recently in a “bad” relationship, I’ve learned to love the idea of boundaries. Maybe it’s because I don’t think I’ve had boundaries in the past with my ex….we worked together, we lived together, we went out together, had the same friends..etc…Even though we’ve been seperated for awhile now, having this personal space has been so much rewarding. My ex is an alchoholic and was a very abusive one. She’s fighting her demons now with the help of other “demon fighters”. Thank God. Will we ever get back together…no. Will I always be there for her in her time of need….always. It’s that simple for me. I used to get the phone calls early/late in the mornings saying she misses me and wants me back. Setting my boundaries has taken care of that as well as some other problems that were spiraling out of her control. I feel that if we don’t have boundaries for ourselves we don’t have self control, and having self control is a very important aspect of how we define ourselves in our own way.
Can’t wait to read more about this as well as all the other topics coming our way in the future!
Mark, can I just say that I love that you read AND comment AND you’re a guy? Be sure to read Monday’s post – you get a little shout-out. :)
I’m so sorry for your pain yet I’m so thankful you have experienced it. I think the sooner we are refined in life, the more time we have to engage in less dramatic relationships which means healthier relationships. To learn this at the age of 80 is still good but I’m thankful to learn it at 38 so I can live on this earth a longer time with less relationship stress.
Ah, self-control. We could talk for hours on that one but yes, it is the key to ALL boundaries. And really so much else but that’s another topic.
Thanks again for reading and commenting, Mark! I love to get the male’s perspective!
You have no idea how much this spoke to my heart tonight!
Thank you for being obedient In writing this (love that Dana!).
I have the exact person that needs to hear this right now!
Thanks for blessing me, friend!
Heidi