I’m an incredibly slow learner – as if you haven’t caught on to that if you’ve spent more than five seconds here at Mommy on Fire.
The marriage thing…that’s another department in which I’m a little glacial in my movement.
It’s been a tough year for us. I haven’t talked about it because I won’t discuss my marriage here out of respect for my hubs.
But God has been stirring in me to do so and Jason gave me his blessing so here it is: I don’t want to ever walk through this past year of marriage again.
God has yanked both of us by the hair since last spring and forced us to kill the parasites that were eating away our relationship and robbing us both of the level of intimacy we both so strongly desire. Stuff we didn’t even know was there. Stuff that wasn’t healthy and downright treacherous to walk through and there we were, willing pawns in the game.
Our marriage has lived ten years since this past April – He’s stirring something up and I don’t know where it will go but I know this: I’ve learned a ridiculous amount about what men and women need and why.
Here’s a start – Ten Things I’ve Learned (The Hard Way) Since Becoming A Wife:
1. He wants to be wanted. He wants you to stop what you’re doing when he walks in the door and embrace him. He wants you to take an interest in him even if there are screaming babies and green beans being flung through the air. He needs to see that after God, he’s the next priority. And for the record, yes, I do realize how difficult this is on most some days.
2. How would you feel if he didn’t talk to you for an entire week? That’s how he feels if you don’t have sex for an entire week. It’s critical and again, yes, I do realize that there are days when you just can’t fathom having anyone else paw at you. Sex isn’t just them being perverted – it’s them being who God created them to be. God made them to be visual creatures and I don’t know about you but I WANT my husband to want ME and not someone else.
3. Some of the quirks that once got my panties in a wad just aren’t worth it. I have them, too. Apparently, JJ has come to the same conclusion because I don’t hear him heckle me much anymore about leaving the cordless phone on top of the outside trashcans. When he rinses the dishes after dinner and stacks them on the counter instead of putting them in the dishwasher (which is right under the counter), I just stack ’em in and shut my mouth. It only takes two minutes (if that) and it’s not worth the strain in our relationship. The little things add up and create resentment and resentment KILLS marriages, friends.
4. He has interests that I just am not going to get. I listen to him and, quite honestly, have learned a lot about stuff I never would have thought I would know about but yeah…I’m not really into dog-sledding and hunting. Or Madden football on the Wii. But I like when he plays it and I’m nearby doing my thing. It’s called “quiet compatibility” and it works.
5. Men are not as clueless as the media portrays them to be in a familial unit. I know several men who are sensitive and yet masculine at the same time – I’m married to one. The media often treats them like complete imbeciles who can’t figure out how to keep their kids alive or feed the dog without a woman around.
6. Try to live by the “2 x 2 x 2” rule – go out for a date night at least every two weeks. Go away for an overnight every two months. Go on a vacation every two years (without the kids). There are seasons – if you can’t do overnights and vacations, date-nights are a must.
7. Entering into a disagreement with “You always______” or “You should _____” is a recipe for disaster. He’s now playing defense and nothing fruitful is going to bloom.
8. If he really wants to do something, support him in doing it. Of course, there are exceptions to this. If he really wants to drink himself into a stupor every night, then by all means, don’t support this. But if he wants to go dog-sledding (true story) in South Dakota in February, let him do it. Most likely, you’ll get the same in return.
9. He WANTS you to go to him when you are needing him. He doesn’t want you to fester on something and “go it alone” – marriage is a partnership. Miss out on this and we miss one of the best parts of being married.
10. Find stuff to laugh about. Even in our deserts, that man can make me laugh. There’s something intimate about two people who can laugh together because even though they might be in a valley, they’re still connected enough to experience a bit of joy now and then.
It’s often over-used so much at weddings that we don’t even think about its meaning but 1 Corinthians 13 is chock-full of goodness when it comes to love – romantic love, platonic love, familial love, and even love for your fellow man.
Would you join me in reading it each morning? When we really think about these words, there is much power.
And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
– 1 Corinthians 13: 13
And if you enjoyed today’s post, would you kindly consider sharing it? Simply click one of the icons below and you can easily do so. I humbly thank you for doing so.
Thank you so much for sharing your heart here. I have been married for 24 years and much of this struck a chord with me. There are some things that need to change in my marriage. Thank you for your willingness to share your journey.
You are welcome, Barbie! Awareness is the first step, right? When we are aware of what needs to change and we look at what WE can do about it, the Holy Spirit will guide us and work wonders.
Thank you for reading and commenting – I just prayed for you and for your marriage.
Blessings to you today!
Well said, Natalie! You are a wise woman, and I agree with all 10! I esp like the 2x2x2 rule; as parents and friends we should try to support each other in this rule, too. Personally, we have in-laws in town, but I have some friends who are not so fortunate.
Amen! We are of the population with no family here but God has been faithful to provide dear friends who have become family. And we’ve found good sitters…:)
Thank you for reading and commenting, Danielle! It’s good to see you here!
God had you share for those like me who needed to hear this…………….the last year has not been awesome here either and these things helped me see some truths. Thank you dear friend. You and your posts are a blessing to me.
Karen, you are so very welcome. I’m sorry it’s been a tough year but refinement brings us closer to Him and to each other.
Just prayed for you…:)
Thank you, Natalie, for starting my morning with true reflection. I love all 10! You inspire me!!
Thank YOU, Beth – I learn much from all of you.
Blessings to you today and thanks for reading and commenting!
Your timing could not have been better on this! Thank you. Since we have a new little person ruling the roost it’s hard to keep our marriage a priority. It’s easy to take the other person for granted and to bicker about the most trivial things when you’re both sleep-deprived. This was a great way to start my morning! Love you, cousin.
Oh, sweet cousin…I should have talked to you about this but I didn’t want to plant something that wasn’t there if you were doing just fine. The six to nine months following a baby were the roughest for us and since we had three in four years, much “stuff” built up. Sleep-deprivation is the breeding ground for the enemy and eventually, we learned to just not talk to each other when we were exhausted beyond words. We pray for you each night and I will add this specific angle to our prayers. You are not alone – this is very normal and you will be fine. There WILL be a time when having this beautiful baby will be your “new normal” so hold fast in His truths and remember that to everything there is a season. Hoping to see you all soon!
Thank you thank you thank you thank you times infinity! Awesome post. Thank you for saying #2 in a way that hit home for me. And be thankful on #3 that he RINSES the dishes. I would be happy for that to happen. :)
Oh but Lisa…I can promise you there are things your sweet husband does that mine does not so no comparison needed. ;)
And yes…#2…So very important.
Thanks for reading and commenting, sweet friend. I love your heart so much.
Well stated! I have been married 23 years and I find your points so true. Two points stand out to me…#3) Some of the quirks aren’t worth it. My husband and I are neat freaks…but in totally different ways. I had to finally realize his cleaning things was not a judgement on my cleaning ways ~ he’s only trying to help and if it’s important to him, maybe it should become important to me too. #6) 2x2x2 HOORAY! We have been horrible about this. Now that two of our three children are in college, we are getting better. Don’t wait that long. We realize how much we need to reconnect and not be all about our children all the time. Blessings to you and your husband. The rough times are tough but when you look back and see the abiding love that sustained you both it will encourage you and grow your love to a new depth.
Jenny, thank you so much for sharing your wisdom. This is a very Titus 2 type of thing to do and I appreciate it more than you know!
Thank you for the encouragement – I love hearing from those who have lived through those peaks and valleys and can affirm His faithfulness.
Great to “meet” you here!
Oh, how I needed to hear this…it is so easy to fall into a routine and to take marriage for granted after 23 years. I am making a pledge tody to do better and be better. Thank you!
Right there with you, girl! :)
Beautifully written and a wonderful reminder.
When I got married I sat at the bible book store and B&N and read through some of the christian marriage books. I would skip through to see if anything ever applied or could be taken away from them. This blog would have been so helpful! Honestly.
Again, a beautiful thing to share. I am going to print it off and slide it in my journal to hold myself accountable and remember the little things that make a big difference in marriage!
Carissa, thank you for your encouraging and kind words. Glory goes to Him for it is not me!
And yes, the little things make a HUGE difference!
Thank you for reading and commenting – great to meet you here!
GREAT, great stuff, sweet friend!! The truth and insight you shared is priceless!
Thank you:))
Thanks, dearie! I like to learn the hard way…:)
I had to laugh about the interests thing. When Kevin and I first met I knew absolutely nothing about sports (seriously) and as a sportswriter, he found that refreshing. Now I can actually watch a football game and know more or less what is happening. All because somehow I have managed to absorb the stuff he tells me. It only took 14 years or so, but whatever. He’s a patient guy. ;)
You just make me laugh…”It only took 14 years or so, but whatever. He’s a patient guy.”
You’re my peeps, Andrea.
Nice post. Good stuff in here. Not a fan of the 2x2x2 thing though. That would get pricey (imagine pricey= anything over 0 dollars). My husband and I just hang out after the kids go to bed, nearly every night… so we get a lot of alone time… and it’s free.
Thanks for your thoughts, Momma Ley! I agree with your point on the finances but I think the main thing is to just carve out that time together. There are many dates that can be free or VERY low cost. As for overnights, I have friends who switch their kids every other month to allow a couple a night alone in their own home. That’s free, too!
Thanks for reading and commenting – so great to meet you here!
I do need to find friends wiling to take on my brood. Actually, I probably have a few, but I get worried we may be too much! I have three little ones and many of my friends only have one. I might just need to get over that though. :/
Yes, just do a “needs assessment” – ask if anyone would be willing to do this in exchange. I hear you – I have three children as well, two of which are VERY wild and crazy boys ages 5 and 4…I get it. You might be surprised though that there are some who would welcome the chaos and it’s only one night!
If you live near West Lafayette, Indiana, I’ll take ’em! :)
Hehe, Thanks! I’m not near by:( I’m a Wisconsinite!
{Kathy} After 20 years, I agree with absolutely everything you said. Well done.
Thank you so much – what else would you include?
Thank you for sharing! I enjoyed this article and they are great to continue to read over and over. This is one of my favorite lines that you wrote …The little things add up and create resentment and resentment KILLS marriages, friends….this to me says a lot and seems to be what is the breaking point in marriages.
Have a great day!
I needed to read that today! Tomorrow will mark 26 years of marriage for me and your words are great reminders. Several of those things are things that have been discussed in my home lately.
I think regardless of how long we have been married, it’s good to brush up on stuff that slips through the cracks now and then. Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Shelly! Happy Anniversary!