So while we’re on the subject of how thankful we are for new mercies, I should probably tell you that I threw a total hootie with my children last night.
It wasn’t pretty.
I yelled big time. Very few of my ramblings made any sense at all. I even mumbled a nice choice word under my breath which, to my horror, was heard by my oldest child.
Lovely.
A woman of valor I was not.
Though I won’t make excuses for poor behavior and I certainly own mine, I will tell you that I’m utterly exhausted. The demands of my home at the moment are great and I just finished the first draft of an eBook that will be released after the new year. I’m beginning to put together a book proposal for the She Speaks Intensive in January. And Christmas is on the horizon. Need I say more?
My exhaustion won and my thoughts began to smell and before I knew it, I had boiled over and lost control. My head might as well have turned all the way around my body.
Here’s the thing: my children are a little challenged as of late in the area of putting their stuff away. We leave toys EVERYWHERE though we have clear places for them. We leave shoes EVERYWHERE though each child has a shoe shelf in a cabinet that is located right next to the door. We fling bookbags and lunch boxes and coats and gloves and mittens and hats and Lord-knows-what-else into a heap resembling Mt. Everest on the kitchen floor and we have hooks for these things, for crying out loud.
We have systems, people.
On most days, I am able to remind myself that I’m managing my blessings and its an honor to be a mother. It is. I get that. And I believe it, too.
But not last night because I was just too freaking tired.
During the past two weeks, I have been threatening to clear out the play room if toys are not picked up throughout the day.
When I reminded my oldest son that he needed to pick up his Legos, he revolted.
So did I.
Here’s our play room as of last night at 6 p.m.:
Yes, I did it. Once they prove they’ll pick up after themselves, they will gradually get their toys back.
And while I don’t apologize for taking the toys because well…I told them this was going to be the consequence, I did apologize for my unraveling and the choice word.
I wish I could tell you this was the first time I had completely lost it with my children but I’d be lying if I did and I don’t need anything else on my rap sheet at the moment.
Each time I lose control, I do apologize and I explain what I SHOULD have done instead of what I DID do.
Then I would get everyone to bed and I’d crawl into mine and beat myself up for about an hour over the fact that I must be screwing them up royally and instead of saving for college we should be saving for therapy and maybe my daughter’s confidence problem is because I lose it now and then and come to think of it, perhaps that’s why Samuel bites his nails and Spencer struggles with speech articulation.
In other words, I listen to the lies.
The truth is, there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus. He may not approve of my messages, but he won’t condemn.
So I pray that His light will cover over any wounds I may have inflicted upon my children during the day and I quietly burrow myself further into the covers, thankful for the new mercies and compassions He doles-out each morning.
Today is a new day with a blank slate of mercies freely-given served with a side of unfailing compassion.
I’ll take two, please.
I had planned to be a little more studious and theological in this post since it’s our last (in)courage session and all, but this is what came out when I started to tap away on the keyboard. Sometimes the authentic, practical-life applications are what brings the truth home.
Thank you, you “Strong and Graceful Oaks” gals who have allowed me to learn and grow over the past few weeks. The next session begins on February 2 and is open to all who might want to join. Details will come later!
Oh funny! Been there done that! I seriously think kids need new toys every once and a while just so we have something to take away! Hang in there! I usually only have to do something like that once for them to realize that I am serious!
Danielle, you wouldn’t believe how obedient, kind and helpful my children have been today. Or probably, you would. I should have done this a long time ago – minus the tirade.
Thanks for reading and commenting, sweet sister, and YES – would love to do coffee! You tell me when it works for you, girl!
Your honest and transparency has been a blessing. Thank you for taking the time to lead our group well. I cannot wait until the next session.
Thanks, Tammy – and likewise from you. I really feel that those who are willing to put their uglies out there and be real oftentimes expedite their healing. When we bring that stuff to the light, the enemy can’t work on it in the dark anymore.
Thank you for your encouragement – so thankful you will be joining us!
Oh, Friend! I so resonate with this. Thank you for sharing and for the reminder that his mercies are new every morning.
You’re not alone – obviously! Thanks for reading and commenting, girl!
I lay in bed and think about each child’s problems and how I’m to blame a lot!! Thanks for helping us deal with this. I always see Michelle Duggar’s calm face right after I lose my cool or am just not as patient as I’d like to be. My first grader was taking the tiniest baby steps to go put something away on his way to brush his teeth and wipe his face last night. He obviously was doing this to procrastinate bedtime. I (without any patience left–it was 8:08! Patience unfortunately runs out before bedtime) said “_______, you can walk faster! Go do what you need to take care of and get ready for bed!” He takes off RUNNING on our hardwood floor and slips and falls where our carpeted hallway begins and plants his Hershey syrup smeared face onto the carpet. I then go into it on how he was being too extreme while taking miniature baby steps and then going the opposite by blindly racing as fast as he could. I hate putting them to bed after that. We have 10 good moments and happy times, then one messed up interaction and….BAM it’s time for bed. We did talk for a few minutes about his reaction and my reaction. I can so relate. Thanks for sharing!!
Um, Julie…We are quite the kindred spirits. I feel like I turn into the Spawn of Satan after 8 p.m. if my children are not in bed. For crying out loud, I cheat only myself when I don’t get them down and YES, we have big time stallers, too.
Not so long ago, my oldest son (same one as in this post…hmmm…) told me his stomach was hurting – right at bedtime. I dismissed him pretty quickly and told him he would feel better once he was in bed. 10 minutes later he started hurling.
Yes, I felt like “Mother of the Year.”
It’s just part of being a mom and it proves to our children how much we need Jesus!
Oh, and in case you are interested, I responded to a comment from Tracey (she mentioned you) regarding the Duggars…:)
That has been me more times than I care to admit! I too lay in bed and beat myself up thinking surely that I am rhe only mom who loses her cool and yells at her kids. I have also wondered if my behavior is to blame for my daughter’s shy and unsure personality. Thanks for sharing your experience. It so helps to know that we’re not alone and all lose our cool at times.
Julie, your comment made me laugh. When I’m beating myself up after yelling I always think of Michhelle Duggar and how she probably never does that!
Tracey, you wouldn’t believe how many women have contacted me today to say they were so thankful they weren’t the only ones…YOU (and I) are so not alone! Of course, this doesn’t make it right but hey – it’s good to know you aren’t crazy sometimes, isn’t it?
Here’s the thing about Michelle Duggar – I love her. I’ve heard her speak and she’s amazing and just…wow. But the thing is…she’s not the average woman. And I mean this with complete respect.
Sure, we can admire her and learn from her but at the end of the day, God entrusted us with our specific children and He entrusted the Duggars with theirs. Comparing myself with her makes me feel like comparing winter to summer—both are good, just very, very different.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Tracey!!!
hmmm…. the playroom still looks a little messy to me (cause ya know, I’m slightly OCD.)… make them clean up what’s left. :) Give them one toy back per day and make them put it away. (ive never done this, but your photo gives me inspiration.) hang in there friend! You are an awesome mom and your kiddos are LUCKY and BLESSED to have you as their mom.
Thanks, Lisa – that’s precisely what we are doing! If they have kept their things picked up during the day (in their room and random stuff around the house) then they can choose a toy to bring back. However, if they don’t uphold their end of the bargain, they don’t get to pick.
Yes, agree – it was STILL messy even after I cleared it out!!!!
Thanks for reading and commenting, friend!
Oh, I have so been there. Many, many, many times. More recently than I care to remember, too! Thank goodness God covers our meltdowns with his mercy.
Amen, girl. Amen.
Oh, Natalie. We ALL have those moments. Mine happen all too frequently for my liking! Sometimes though, I just can’t handle one. more. shout/wrestle/whine/stuff left out when I feel like I’ve asked a bajillion times. I think its good to ask our kids for forgiveness, it seems to help my guys understand that even Mom struggles and fails sometimes. Which is a good lesson for them (at least that’s what I tell myself!). As for taking toys away…I’ve done it, and it works well.
I can so relate. Yes, I’ve had those moments where I’ve totally lost it with my kids. Not proud of it for sure. I do always go back and apologize.
Are you going to She Speaks Intensive? I just signed up last weekend! How fun to see you again!
So great to hear from you, Denise! Yes, I will be there! I’m so excited you’ll be there as well!!!! Let’s connect after the holidays?
Merry Christmas!
I did pretty much the same thing back in July and I have to say it was one of the best things I ever did as a parent! (I wrote about it here: http://www.livingwellspendingless.com/2012/09/14/why-i-took-all-my-kids-toys-away-why-they-wont-get-them-back/ and then again here: http://www.livingwellspendingless.com/2012/11/16/what-i-wont-give-my-kids-for-christmas/)
I found your site through a tweet that showed up on the SheSpeaks conference page. I am attending as well and I have to say that I am totally intimidated by the fact that you were working on your book proposal already way back in November. I just managed to finally open the email yesterday! Ack!
Anyhoo, I just spent the hour reading your whole life story and stalking your blog. Look forward to meeting you in a few weeks. I’ll be the tall girl who didn’t do my homework. :-)
Ruth, DO NOT be intimidated! I actually didn’t end up starting because I have two other projects going on that needed more urgent attention. I haven’t started and I won’t until this upcoming week. We will have time while we are there – that’s the point!
Very excited to meet you!
Thanks for visiting, reading, and commenting!
Oh I love this!!!!!! I really needed to read this tonight. Thank you for being real!