“Don’t let anybody make you do something you do not want to do. Don’t allow someone to utter yes for you while you’re still undecided (say “I’ll think about it”). And do not allow anyone to ever tell you that “No” is not enough. It is. ‘No’ is a complete sentence. Saying no is a right we all have. Use it.” – Anne Lamott
Can I get an amen for St. Anne?
Here’s a newsflash for us all, sisters: Just because you’re a Christian, it doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat.
You know, I have enough of my own baggage and sins to deal with. With all due respect, I can’t carry someone else’s stuff. I don’t need my bags to be any heavier thankyouverymuch.
Yet time and time again, I’m placed in situations where someone else’s sin–be it their pride or jealousy or insecurity or you-name-it, has threatened to leave gunpowder on my sleeve.
Here’s the thing: the sooner we realize when someone else’s treatment of us is because of their own sin, the sooner we understand when a relational boundary needs to put into place.
I’m not suggesting we aren’t ever free of fault. Psalm 139:23-24 says “Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. Point out anything in me that offends you, and lead me along the path of everlasting life.” We do need to ask Him to reveal our part of any ill treatment at the hand of someone else.
Yet there will be times when you aren’t guilty of a crime. But if you are, you also don’t have to repeatedly pay the fiddler for your offense. It’s then when boundaries become your new BFF.
But what are boundaries and why do we need them?
Think of boundaries as a fence around your personal being. When others mistreat you, you can ask them, ever so lovingly, to leave your yard. There’s an unspoken respect we are expected to give one another but let’s face it: not everyone has learned this social cue. Or they’re so poisoned by their own sin they’re threatening to make you drink it, too.
Regardless, boundaries are not a dirty word. Boundaries allow us to:
1. Define the line so we know when it’s been crossed.
2. Maintain our roots in Him. When we are rooted in God and commit to following Jesus, we are saying to the world that we aren’t identified by their standards. We are identified by His expectations for how we are to live and we lovingly won’t accept anything that crosses that line.
3. Communicate healthy expectations in a relationship.
4. Not be overscheduled but instead, take care of ourselves. Ever heard of the acronym for B.U.S.Y? Being Under Satan’s Yoke. When something is crossing over our boundary of time, we can politely say “no.” (See Anne’s quote above)
5. Speak the truth in love. When we establish healthy boundaries, we can stand firm, but loving, in what we have implemented.
How do we know when we need to establish a healthy boundary in a relationship?
1. The offender repeatedly mistreats you and makes biting remarks that are often not direct so they can still CYA (Google it) but their intent is to take you down a bit. This is called Passive Aggression (PA).
2. There is an obvious lack of humility when you attempt to talk to this person about your own hurt.
3. He/She repeatedly spin doctors the issue so you leave the conversation feeling like it’s always you and not them.
4. You notice you’re consistently feeling beaten-down when you leave his/her company rather than built-up.
5. He/She doesn’t have your best interest at heart–just his/her own.
The above are symptoms of an unhealthy relationship and it’s wise to integrate personal boundaries or we are going to have some seriously spinning heads, sisters.
But here’s the good news: when you get the hang of boundaries, they’ll set you free. Promise.
Since this is such a deep subject, we’ll discuss sticky boundary situations and what boundaries are NOT (hint: they are NOT unChristian) in Session Ten next Monday. In the meantime, let’s ponder . . . Have you ever had to integrate boundaries in a relationship? What did you learn? What questions do you have about establishing boundaries? We’ll answer questions in the post next Monday!
Hi Natalie!
Happy Monday. This is such a wonderful post. I wish I would have read this years ago. I was involved in an emotionally abusive relationship. I did not put up any boundaries because I was married and was told that there are no boundaries in a marriage. My ex-husband walked out on me and I was trying to save our marriage so I did anything necessary to hold on to what we had. I thought I was being a good wife and showing him the love of Christ, which I was. It wasn’t until after I decided to file for a divorce due to his infidelity and the subsequent emotional fallout that I realized I was being abused and manipulated. Passive aggression is THE most insidious form of abuse. It leaves you feeling crazy! Not having boundaries scared me in ways that I could have protected myself. My self-esteem was destroyed. My heart had the biggest gape! I felt so low. Thank you Lord for redeeming power! Wooo!
Boundaries are absolutely biblical. My pastor’s wife, God bless her, told me that even God has created boundaries, His commandments, to help protect us. The bible also tells us to guard our hearts. We are not created to be walked over and beaten down. Putting up boundaries does not mean we’re being unChrisitan. We can love people from afar. We can continue to pray for them and carry peace in our hearts for them but we do not have to throw ourselves in the line of their emotional fire.
Thank you for writing about this. It’s such an important topic.
Oh, girl. I couldn’t agree with you more on the passive aggressive thing. I am shouting “Amen, sister!” right here in my kitchen. It’s evil, isn’t it??? (I love to use the word insidious, too. Being a word nerd, I notice stuff like that. Good usage of the word.)
YES, boundaries are not only healthy but they’re HOLY. And yes, ABOVE ALL ELSE, guard your heart.
Smart girl for drawing a boundary around that abusive behavior. He had no idea what he had in you and it’s HIS loss big time…
Thank you for sharing your heart, sweet Shakirah!
Oh, thank you so much for writing this. You put into words what I have been struggling with for a while now. When a grown woman feels like the little girl being bullied on the school yard, something is not right. Your #4 is flashing at me like a neon sign! I am learning that being too busy, trying to be there for everyone, is hurting me and my family. (And that everyone’s definition of “too busy” is different. Some women can just handle more on their plate than I can.) I’ve prayed about where my priorities need to be, and am at peace with my new focus. Now, some boundaries need to be established.
Kerrye, you are so not alone. In fact, I’ve been there too and my experience inspired me to write the book I’m currently writing about Christian female relationships. It’s entitled Heart Sisters: Encouraging Love and Support Among Women and it will be released by Abindgon Press early next year.
God will lead you through the process of establishing boundaries as it is critical in our walk to freedom. He wants freedom for you and He is well-pleased when we guard our hearts with boundaries.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Kerrye!
Amen and Amen. It’s hard to set them and often keep them. The word boundaries has been abused by some also….it’s a fine line to walk. Jesus was pretty good at it. Can’t remember what the “address” is….but he had been preaching in towns that did not pay attention and he “knocked the dust off his sandals and moved on”…I had a wise counselor remind of that with relationships and ministry opportunities. I like the visual from the book “safe people” of a bulls eye. Only a FEW…like 2 are allowed in that inner circle…..the rest do not get to comment or be in every area of your life.
As usual…..Well written Nat Snapp:)
Good point, Katie. You are right – the term “boundaries” can be abused but then, I have to think that those abusing the term are likely those who might be a little on the passive aggressive side. We have to search our own hearts and the motives within and if they are pure and not self-serving, then boundaries are not being used as an excuse. You are correct though – it’s a fine line.
I like the Safe People book, too. Thanks for lending it to me!
OH – and happy belated birthday, friend! Much love, sweet sister!
1,2,3 and 4…sigh and it’s my sister. And I walked into it again yesterday, so thank you for this. It’s so hard because every. single. time. I talk to her I forget how judgmental she is and every. single.time. she not only reminds me of my mistakes (which are real and true but I have been forgiven) but continues to point out how SHE believes they affect my children. Which, I believe to be untrue, but it’s like ripping a band-aid off. It just HURTS. And she’s ALWAYS right in her opinion. I know I have a lot of work to do in my own heart to forgive her but that doesn’t take away from the sting of her words. I am looking to have our old relationship back and that just will never be…
Melynda, I am so sorry for your pain in your relationship with your sister. It’s sometimes even more difficult when it’s someone in your family because you expect your own flesh and blood to be on your side. I get this.
On the other hand, it’s a good thing she doesn’t define who you are. Your identity comes from God. We have ALL done things we are not proud of but the best thing (well, one of the best things) about Jesus is that He doesn’t allow our sin to define who we are.
The same applies to you. You are beloved in His eyes and your sin has been washed away. The issue with your sister is between her and God.
Thank you for sharing your heart here, Melynda.