Marriage is just plain hard. I’m not going to sugarcoat it because it’s the truth. Plus, I’m getting too old to sugarcoat stuff.
And if I can be completely straight-up for a moment…it’s particularly difficult for Jason and me. Having both been through one failed attempt each, we bring some suitcases baggage to our nine year old union.
Yet as we dive deeper into the abyss of marriage, as we grow-up and continue to allow God to strip us raw, the more I’m believing it can be a good thing.
Sounds funny, doesn’t it? I mean, in the Christian world, marriage is touted as the greatest part of being alive.
And it can be.
When it’s good.
But when it’s bad, it is very, very bad.
It’s on those very, very bad days when I feel like I’m going to come completely undone.
When our marriage is strained, when we walk through the inevitable valley that is so normal yet so painful, I feel as though sneaky tentacles have wrapped themselves around my heart and are slowly squeezing out life until I can’t catch my breath and I’m gasping for air.
Because here’s what I’ve discovered: It’s not Jason’s job to be my personal God. Oh, the pressure.
He cannot fulfill all of the things I want him to fulfill in me because, gasp, he’s made of flesh. Turns out, he’s human just like me.
And only God can fulfill the stuff I expect Jason to fulfill.
Yet on the flip side, God’s doing a whole new project with him, too. He’s got us both in the refiner’s fire and while it’s hot and can be uncomfortable, the finished product is always beautiful, and better, than it was before.
We’ve reached a certain level of familiarity after eleven years together: He can complete my sentences. We have entire conversations with just our eyes. He knows my history, can read my heart well, knows what will make me laugh. Knows when to just reach his arms around me as I cry and not utter a single word.
But with this level of intimacy comes an ability to wound deep. When words spoken in anger rip through my heart, they carry more weight than if anyone else had spoken them because he’s an extension of me and I’ve let him see a part no one else has ever seen.
Two become one. But the halves can sometimes be at war and all that tugging and pulling and heckling is exhausting.
And in my exhaustion, I plead with God and beg Him to change him. To point out the error of his ways and get him back on-track.
But if I had a dollar for every time He gently points out my own role, my own sin in the equation, I would be one wealthy woman.
Neither of us act alone because we are one. One. The two shall become one.
So when we tug and pull and heckle, we exhaust and hurt and isolate because we are fighting against and not for.
And here’s the thing: sometimes I forget my husband is actually a person. A real person with feelings.
He’s not my enemy. The enemy is the enemy.
And when God tells us to love our neighbor as ourselves, He’s meaning our husbands, too.
Our husbands are our neighbors.
I’m not talking about abusive husbands. If your husband is abusing you in any way, then I say get the heck out. I can’t get behind the concept of staying with an abuser just because you made a vow.
But what about the rest of us? What about those who aren’t in abusive marriages but know there could be so much more yet we don’t know how to get there?
We choose hope.
Yes. It’s that simple. We choose hope.
Because behind hope, there’s love. And behind love, there’s power.
So starting today, let’s see our husbands the way God sees them. Let’s compliment their masculinity. Let’s check-in with their hearts. Let’s stop what we’re doing and embrace him when he walks through the door.
Because while we as women have it rough at times, they do as well.
And when we communicate we are for and not against, we slowly walk backwards off the ledge.
To the point we desire to go.
I’m feeling really led to write about marriage these days. More coming on this topic . . . I would love to hear your thoughts and feedback. What’s something you want to talk about on the topic of marriage?
Great post Natalie! I just finished reading a book called “Love and Respect” by Emerson Eggerichs. If you aren’t familiar, I highly recommend it. I started off thinking it didn’t apply to my husband because he is ALL ABOUT THE LOVE. (Basically it talks about how women need to unconditionally respect their husbands, and hubby’s need to unconditionally love their wives). I didn’t think “respect” applied to my hubby. But the more I read the more I “Got it”. The day I finished the book, and hubby came home from a long business trip, I totally did everything completely OPPOSITE of everything I had just read, and had the WORST EVENING EVER. I just couldn’t help myself! The enemy was in the middle of it, and I couldn’t boot him out! I aim to do better this week. The book also addressed the “sex issue” that you and I have talked about before, and you know that’s what I want you to write about!!! :)
Oh, yes, girl. I know what you want to talk about. Next week, sister. Next week.
I know the book – I’ve read it. Good stuff. I like how it addresses that vicious cycle we so often jump upon.
Now I have the song in my head…”Let’s talk about…”
Hi Natalie!
Happy Monday. I don’t know how it’s possible for me to love you without even knowing you, but I do. I am so grateful for your transparency and your heart to use what God is teaching you to encourage others.
I’m no longer married, but am hoping to marry again one day. After coming out of my marriage I learned that I was not a complete person. I made the mistake that so many people often make of thinking another person can fill our gaps. When we approach marriage (or any relationship for that matter) in this way, we put unrealistic expectations on other people. It’s not fair. It’s a set up for failure and disappointment.
I’m currently reading Lady in Waiting, which focuses on character building and becoming complete in Christ. The author notes how important it is for women to have full identity in the only person who can truly make us happy–our Lord and savior.
As I think about this idea of getting married again, what’s been important for me is building character that Christ would be proud of; and in turn my husband and children. I would be naive to think I’m going to be perfect and my new marriage won’t have its challenges, but I lacked some serious character the first go-round and I don’t want to make that same mistake.
This may sound a little corny, but I really want to know what it’s like to be whole and be in love. I have a pretty big heart and go all in for the people I care for so I’ve never had a problem giving love. But, it was evident that my brokenness distorted my perception of myself, God and others.
I can’t even begin to imagine how beautiful and fruitful my love can be when my heart is completely filled with Christ.
As far as what I’d like to see you blog about as it pertains to marriage, I think it would be good for both married and unmarried women to read what it means to be a woman of character. I think so many women expect men to be ones with exemplary character and us ladies are just adornment to that but it’s important we know what it means to walk in integrity, purity, honesty, kindness, self control (that was a hard one for me), patience, joy, etc.
Thank you again Natalie!
Shakirah
Wow, Shakirah. There’s so much here I want to comment upon.
First of all, I love you, too, girl!
Secondly, you WILL find love again and it won’t be perfect. But it will be different because you have gained valuable wisdom and you have discovered something it took me such a long time to figure out – only God can name who you are. No other person 1) has a right to do so and 2) the ability to do so.
I, like you, depended on my first husband, and for a while, my current husband, to be my everything. I expected them to be my IRL Jesus. Totally unfair.
It’s beautiful to read how God has healed your heart through a very difficult time in your life. I love to see the beauty from ashes.
Thank you so much for your awesome insight and suggestions – you got it, girl!
Thank you Natalie. In my rush (that’s what happens when you’re reading blogs at work) I forgot to note that I’ll be praying for you and your lucky husband. I’m asking God to continue to fill your marriage with a thirst for Christ, increased emotional, physical and spiritual intimacy and that you guys just have some good ole fun!