Yes, we look like we are twelve years old. Yes, I weighed about 800 pounds. Yes, I was very, very tired.
He tends his flock like a shepherd:
He gathers the lambs in his arms
and carries them close to his heart;
he gently leads those that have young.
-Isaiah 40:11
Last week, I stumbled across this article and it made me pause.
I agree with it all. Particularly the one about not telling people they look tired.
This has always baffled me.
I don’t mean to sound insensitive here, but . . . it is never, ever OK to tell someone they look tired. New baby or not.
You might as well say “Gosh, I am so sorry but you look like total crap and the bags under your eyes could use a bra.”
Here’s the thing: the rule about not asking anyone if they are pregnant unless it’s completely obvious and they’re days away from giving birth? The same rule applies to telling people they look tired.
You just don’t do it.
So while I watched sweet Kate Middleton make her first appearance with the new baby prince, I could see right through the smile and the pretty polka-dot dress. Deep down, I knew she was terrified.
And for the record, I was as well when I went home with my first child. In fact, I can’t believe the hospital released Sarah to Jason and I almost nine years ago because we had no idea what we were doing.
But there are some things you SHOULD say to a new mama. There’s stuff I wish I had known when my newborns were shrieking at top volume and I wondered if I had made a very grave mistake.
So without further ado, allow me to share what I wished I would have known when I had my first baby:
1. It is so cliche and I know it makes you want to take a frying pan to my head. But I’m going to say it nonetheless: it WILL get better. Your baby WILL stop crying. And yes, while you might be in week two and the crying doesn’t typically subside until week twelve (if they’re colic like mine were) this will feel like a ridiculous eternity. Yet I stand by the old sages who say it will be over in a flash because it will. Before you know it, you’ll be jetting off to preschool and signing them up to play soccer (or futbol for you Brits!). It will pass and you will survive.
2. Speaking of survival, your kids will survive YOU. When I gave birth to Sarah, my friend Cindy, who birthed her last child at 45 (!) casually said to me, “Babies survive their parents.” Talk about ordained words! I NEEDED to hear this true statement because somehow, some way, our children survive despite our lack of knowledge. Sarah survived me looking away for a moment when she rolled off the couch. I once gave her a bottle that was too hot. She fell down our stairs while under the care of a sitter. None of these are my proudest parenting moments but she made it. She will turn nine in February and she’s still still kickin’ it.
3. Your baby will be just fine if you don’t breastfeed him/her. OK. Lean in real close, sister, because the La Leche League might be listening . . . And I don’t mean any hate towards them, either. I think it’s wonderful they all support each other and the unending benefits of breastfeeding. BUT. If nursing works for you, it’s great. If it doesn’t work for you? It’s horrid. Sadly, it didn’t work with any of my three babies because I have some weird issues with the word that rhymes with “ripples.” I was deeply depressed and felt like I was depriving Sarah of nutrients that could only come from me but now that my children are eight and a half, six and a half, and five, I see that it really doesn’t make a difference. My kids couldn’t be closer to me if they tried (Jason jokes they would go back into my womb if given the chance and they probably would), they are pretty darn smart if I say so myself, and they seem to be socially integrated into the world (for the most part. If you ignore the random shouting of the word “penis” by my boys.) If you must formula feed, take it from me: he/she will be just fine.
4. Your husband will always hold the Medal of Honor when it comes to night-feeding. So, my husband is a dentist. I get that you might not want your dentist to do a root canal for you if he has only had sleep in two hour intervals throughout the night. For this reason, we slept in separate bedrooms until the babes were able to be on his or her own so at least one of us could sleep and bring home the bacon. Yet on the weekends, Jason stepped in for night feedings (another benefit to bottle feeding – see above) so I could get one full night of sleep once a week. And you would have thought he won a WWII Purple Heart Medal. Sure, he made mention of his great sacrifice now and then but it was mostly OTHERS who recognized his greatness by saying things like “Oh, what a amazing man! He gets up with the baby!” And he is an amazing guy. But. That’s all I’m gonna say about that.
5. Yes, Virginia. There will be a day when it will take you less than three hours to get out the door. Oh, my. Just thinking of that time period makes me break out in hives because since I had three children within four years, it was a monumental feat to get ANYWHERE. I could tell you it wasn’t this way when I had only one child but I would be lying. Just this morning, I marveled over the fact I can now tell my children to get their shoes on and get in the car and that’s that. No big car seats. No diaper bag to pack. No poopie diapers just as I’m putting down the garage door. Sure, there’s prep involved but not THAT kind of prep.
And you want to know the sick and twisted part of it all? There are moments when the breeze blows through a scent of baby powder or I find a tiny baby sock tucked deep in a drawer and I stop.
It goes by so very fast. Who would have ever thought I would miss those exhausting days?
Turns out, He really was gently leading those with young. He was leading me. And He still does.
What about you? What would you like to tell a new mama?
Thank you for this post!! Although my son is nine months old today, I still consider myself a new mom.
Ah, yes, Chelsea. I agree with you – you ARE still a new mom! I feel like the entire first year was such a “feel along the way” type of year. I am way more confident in my mothering now and not because I have “figured it out” (NO WAY!) but because I see how resilient our kids are and how God truly does protect them from our innocent mistakes.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Chelsea!
{Kathy} Great post! As the mother of 4, you have perfectly described some of the most important aspects to self-forgiveness and mercy that moms need to extend to themselves. I learn something new everyday about being a mom—and my oldest is 19.
Kathy, yep, I hear you. My kids are my greatest teachers thus far.
Thank you for reading and commenting!
LOVE this! Natalie, I am also in the club of “I can’t believe they are going to let us take this baby home!” I remember when we got our first baby home, I just kept thinking “oh my…we are responsible for him!” And, as a L&D nurse, I’d like to ask people to stop scaring first time pregnant mommas with tales of awful, horrible, ugly birth stories. Yes, laboring and birth is hard and painful (I believe God *does* tell us to expect that!) but it is also beautiful and empowering and what our bodies are made to do! I always get mommas who are scared to death the minute they walk in the door because her best friend’s-cousins-wife had such and such. I know bad outcomes are possible, but let’s stop freaking each other out. Let’s allow a first time mom to enjoy (as much as possible) bringing a new life into the world. Because it’s wonderful, and simply a miracle each and every time it happens. Talk about it all you want once they deliver, because for some reason, it’s just different then. We, as women, need to get on board with each other- does it really matter if you got an epidural and she had no pain meds or *how* we feed each our babies (breast versus bottle) as long as we are feeding them? The differences are what make us valuable to each other- as long as we can keep from thinking one way is “right” and one way is “wrong.”
(Whew, sorry so long! Can you tell this is a topic near and dear to me?!)
Yes, I love that about you – this IS your passion and I can tell because you write about it so well.
I’m with you – my faith deepened so much more after I experienced giving birth. Yes, stuff we don’t expect or plan does happen but for the most part, delivery goes along the way it should. It’s truly amazing and a miracle.
I would have LOVED to have you as an L&D nurse! I wanted my L&D nurses to come home with me – I almost cried when I had to say good-bye to them in the hospital. I know you are an amazing one, friend…
I got pregnant on our first week being married, miscarried and then got pregnant immediately the following cycle; to a couple (me) who didn’t want kids. Bringing home a baby girl who screamed the first night for 12 hours because the nurses made me give her sugar water for low weight before we were able to go home. I wanted to give her back so bad. I cried silently every night for 2 weeks when I couldn’t sit to nurse because of sutures poking and causing tremendous pain. I stood instead for 30 minutes or more every other hour because I had a “snacker.” All the horrible things I thought about myself and how my life had ended in just the first 9 months of our marriage. Oh the things satan whispers to you in the wee hours of the night. I now have a 4 year old blessed girl and a 2 year old blessed boy who have shaped us and changed our lives forever. And my life is not over. Actually if you think about it, they will be adults by the time I’m 40 and hey, life starts over again at 40 right??!!! I’ll still be young and spunky! And I can look forward to being that hot, sexy grandma everyone talks about! haha ;) Gonna be fun for sure! Life does not end when the unwanted things happen.
I love how God plans our lives and we…well, we don’t. :)
I’ll be 40 next month and my kids are 8, 6, and 5. I will be walking with a cane by the time they’re grown. :)
And you are right – life doesn’t end when unwanted things happen. Those unwanted things usually end up becoming the things we want the very most.
Thanks for reading and commenting, Teelier!
So great! I so wish we could have met in Charlotte! Maybe next year! Love your sweet and sensible humor!
I wish I could have met you as well, Shaena! Thank you for your kind words and for reading and commenting! Great to see you here!
Perfect! Absolutely spot on (although I admit to saying the “tired” bit to people on occasion). Even after 4, I still have to remind myself all the time with our little guy (9 months) that this too shall pass and we’ll actually get to be real people again at some point in the future. My biggest fear is that I’ll never make it to the gym on a regular basis again!
You will, Jamie! I know what you mean – but you will become real people again. :)
Thanks for reading and commenting!!!