So as I mentioned a few weeks ago, I’m feeling led to write about marriage these days.
And as I’ve also mentioned in the past, there are certain topics I feel God nudging me to touch-upon while I’m writing and my reaction to him is simply just, “Crap.”
Astute and eloquent, I know.
For the record, I don’t really WANT to write about marriage.
It isn’t that I don’t want to help others through my own mistakes. It isn’t that I’m concerned you all will think less of me. It isn’t really any big reason other than as writers, we often experience attack in the very subject we pen.
Yes, I know better than to allow fear to silence that call and so I step-out in obedience. But I’m praying for protection as I do.
Marriage is like the “Noble Duke of York” lyrics: when you’re up, you’re up. And when you’re down, you’re down. And when you’re only half-way up, you’re neither up or down.
I’ve talked to enough of you to know the roller-coaster of marriage is not something just Jason and I experience.
Authentic marriage is a series of ups, downs, and neither-up-nor-downs. Thank you, the Noble Duke of York.
So what to do during the down-swing? How do we wait-out the valleys so we can be sure we’ll be able to enjoy the peaks?
Here’s what I’ve learned thus far (and keep in mind, I speak to you as someone who’s not figured this out but is rowing your same boat, sister):
DISCLAIMER: If you are in an abusive marriage, the below does not apply. Seek professional help and create a plan for your marriage. I don’t hold the belief women should stay with an abuser just because they took a vow.
1. Only YOU can prevent marriage fires. If your husband is coming at you in frustration and saying things he doesn’t mean or yelling or anything else that can transpire during an ugly fight, the worst thing we can do is throw sparks right back. It just makes the situation worse. But how do we react when this is happening? A counselor friend of mine recommends either walking away or saying “I won’t talk to you when you’re like this. Let’s discuss this after you have calmed down.”
Regardless, YOU are in control of what YOU do no matter what your spouse does. Add sparks of your own and you’re going to get a fire you won’t be able to control. And if you’re the one yelling and saying things you don’t mean? Then accept it if your husband walks away or tells you he’ll talk to you about it later.
Nothing good comes from shouting matches. No one hears a thing.
2. Your words can be a bullet or a balm. Encourage healthy discussion without yelling, mocking, or name-calling. So we get some conflicting advice on this as Christians. Ephesians 4:26 tells us “Do not let the sun go down on your anger.”But it doesn’t say anything about reconciliation. I used to insist we hammer all issues from an argument out and get to the bottom of it before we went to bed but truth be told, it’s really not the ideal time to work through it all. We’re tired. We likely have to get up early in the morning. Patience is short, fuses shorter. It’s OK to agree to table the issue until the following day BUT: kiss goodnight and say “I love you” to your husband. He may not say it back but that’s OK. Remember: only YOU can prevent marriage fires. YOU control your part.
3. Live and let die. In other words, live your life forward and forgive your spouse of the transgressions from the past. Think of it this way: what if every time we messed up, Jesus was right there reminding us of all the other times we had messed up in the past? What if He dangled forgiveness like a carrot only the lucky obtain? Just plain silly to even think of it this way, isn’t it? Jesus forgives us right then and there. As hard as this is, we are called to do the same.
“But, wait a minute here,” you might say (if you’re like me.) ” I’m not Jesus. Only Jesus is Jesus. He is flawless and I’m not.”
And it’s true that we aren’t Jesus and only Jesus is Jesus. It’s also true that we are disabled by the flesh. However, as Matthew 24 says, “Then Jesus said to his disciples, ‘Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will find it.'”
Three words jump out at me here: must deny themselves. We must die to ourselves in our marriage, sister. But your husband must die to himself in your marriage, too.
Both parties must die to themselves, pick up their crosses, and follow Jesus – no matter what. (But if your husband refuses to do so, you still can.)
4. Pray that God will soften your heart towards your husband. The enemy loves to attack marriages. If he can take down a marriage, he can reach more people because so many are negatively affected by the death of a marriage. While I don’t like to pay more attention to the enemy than he deserves, I will say he can do some serious work on our thoughts until we start to think our spouse is actually the enemy. Jason is not my enemy; the enemy is the enemy. But sometimes I forget this. Praying that God will soften my heart towards him has allowed me to remember he’s a person with real feelings and needs.
5. Get in the word. I once rolled my eyes at this advice because it seems like the token answer to Christians experiencing hardship. But here’s the reality: it’s the token answer because it’s true. Nothing softens my heart like reading God’s word. If you need a good starting place, I recommend the book of Colossians, Proverbs, and Psalms.
If you are feeling hopeless, sister, let me encourage you: there IS hope. Pray like crazy. Control your part. Seek help if you need it. But never, ever lose hope.
What is something you have learned since being married?
My husband, who has been my role model of what spouse should be, lives and dies by Proverbs 15:1 “A gentle answer turns away wrath” and the self-restraint he shows to answer me gently and even say “I’m so sorry” when I am at fault has made the greatest difference in our marriage of 12 years. How can you argue and rant against someone who is answering you kindly and even apologizing? Of course, this restrain and self-control come from his relationship with Christ. It is only in that power that we can do that when what you want to do is yell back! :)
You are one blessed woman, Gabby! And I love the point you make: How ca you argue and rant against someone who is answering you kindly and even apologizing? :)
Great words of wisdom and certainly something to think about.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Gaby!
This is good stuff, Natalie. Only you can prevent marriage fires- I love it! One thing that I have learned over the past 13 years is that someone does not have to be right, and there isn’t always someone to blame. Sometimes we’re both wrong. Sometimes no one is wrong! That was a hard one for me. I want to declare a winner-preferably me. :) To admit that that I am not right is a very humbling thing.
SUCH great wisdom, Jenny! I hear you on so many levels. Early on, I wanted to be the one who won the battles. Now, I don’t care as much (notice I say “as much”!) because I’m learning how to apply the phrase “Winning the battle but losing the war.”
I would rather not lose the war. Sometimes, for the sake of peace, we must choose humility and die to self. :)
Thanks for reading, sweet sister. Miss you tons!
This post was very well timed, as I walked out of the house this morning angry at my new husband!
:) Oh, girl…You aren’t alone and YES, it’s entirely normal. Even for newlyweds! :)
First of all, thank you for your disclaimer! So many “Christians” still believe you should stay with the abusive husband or wife in hopes that God will change them; and He may, but let Him change that person when you are a safe distance. Coming from a home with an abusive dad who never touched myself or my siblings but took his insanity out on my mom, I had to learn and be cautious about not choosing an abuser for a husband myself. But it has been hard shedding my distrust and unconscious annoyance of men in general. It affects how I look at my own husband and I have to ask the Lord to take that attitude and fear from me often so that I am not treating him as if he were an abuser. It’s easy to see things that aren’t there when fear rules your thoughts. I’ve had to learn to trust the Lord and trust my husband. It’s amazing how naturally things flow when I am not keeping him at arms length to protect my heart. I remind myself all the time that he suffered as a child too and that we are here to help each other through life together, not battle it out for 10 years and give up. Thank you for each point! We need reminders often!
Even newlyweds? Especially newlyweds. My Dad told me the first year will be the hardest, and then it will get better and better. After 42 years, I can say it does get better. We certainly did have our blustery days on the roller coaster. Whew! We started with a strong commitment, though. We both agreed that we would always work it out; no matter what! Keeping your nose in the Book really does make a difference! When we realize how much J.C. did for us and all the grace we have been afforded, we must do the same for those we love.
What is something you have learned since being married?
If your husband is coming at you in frustration and saying things he doesn’t mean or yelling or anything else that can transpire during an ugly fight, the worst thing we can do is throw sparks right back. It just makes the situation worse. But how do we react when this is happening? A counselor friend of mine recommends either walking away or saying “I won’t talk to you when you’re like this. Let’s discuss this after you have calmed down.”
***We’re nearing 48 years of marriage (all, of which, have been complete bliss. ;-) You have shared many positive and realistic bits of insight, for sure. However..(isn’t that just like me to toss that in?)….after many years of interacting with my dear husband and dear sons…..I’ve discovered that one of the most dangerous words used in a heated dialogue can be, “you.” It is a “blame word” and, when humanly possible, should be avoided. Give some thought as to how one might re-phrase the sentiment. If we’re going to have true discourse with those we love, we need to not point a finger in any way….even in a verbal manner.
“Only YOU Can Prevent Marriage Fires” — favorite line of this week’s blog reading, and that’s a LOT of reading! Thanks. : )