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It had been a long battle. He fought cancer with bouts of hope and despair for at least four years.
My husband’s friend and fellow dentist in the community lost his battle this past Sunday. It was the sixth anniversary of my husband’s father’s death.
He was young – 43 or 44. He left behind a grieving wife and four children who lost their father far too early.
The mood around our house was contemplative. Quiet. And very, very sad.
When my practical-joker of a husband adopts this demeanor, I squirm. It isn’t who he is on most days and it catches me off-guard. I’m not always sure what to do with it, being the fixer that I am. It’s hard for me to just sit in pain though I know there are times when it’s our only option.
To just sit in the pain is uncomfortable. We want to do something, anything, for a bit of relief but unfortunately, grief doesn’t have a fast forward button.
Before bed, he stood in front of the fridge, wondering what to pack for lunch.
“We’ll get lunch for you tomorrow,” I offer, willing to do anything to alleviate any kind of effort on his behalf.
But the next day arrived and I was busy. I had seven, yes, seven, baskets of laundry to fold. My floor was a hot mess. My youngest child decided to paint AND use play-dough (apparently, it was a mixed media piece). I know I don’t need to explain the mess to all of you mothers out there.
Husband sends a text to inform me that he would be off at noon but if I wanted to bring lunch at 11 o’clock, that would be great.
My plans were being thwarted.
I began to grumble.
“Why can’t he just pick up lunch on his way home if he is going to finish at noon?” I wondered, eyeing my dirty floors.
I called the office. Cassie, the dear one at the front desk, casually mentioned he seemed sad over the passing of his friend and peer.
My heart softened. But not entirely.
When he got on the phone, we chatted a moment. Then, he casually added, “I would like to see you guys but if you can’t make it over, that’s OK.”
And then I got it.
It wasn’t about needing lunch.
He needed me. Us. He needed to see why He works so hard everyday and hug us a little tighter.
I didn’t pick up on the message because I was too busy being consumed with what I needed to do. With what was on MY to-do list. On what I needed to achieve before the older two came home from school.
Minutes later, he called back.
“You don’t have to come, I’ll be done at noon,” he said.
“We’re coming,” I say, thanking God for clarity. For grace. For mercy.
There are far too many moments when I forget he actually does need me. I have three young children and he’s an adult. He should be able to fend for himself, right?
Except, no.
There is a softness between a husband and wife that can only be understood by them. An intimacy reserved for just one another to see that transcends and crosses into daily life as reminders of their commitment.
And so very often, I miss the message entirely.
He needs me just as much as I need him. Even on the days when he acts completely self-sufficient. Even on the days when he thinks he’s being weak if he shows sadness. Even on the days he feels lonely.
I breathe in deep, thankful for the gentle reminder to reshuffle my cards, to place Jason above the floors and the laundry and the children.
He falls in again closely behind God, where he’s supposed to be.
And guess what? My floors still got swept. I folded three of the seven baskets. Dinner was made, and children were bathed and put to bed.
Nothing is more important than a man who needs his wife.
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. – Genesis 2:24 (ESV)
What about you? Do you struggle with forgetting your husband needs you? Do you expect him to be a “big boy” and get lost in the care of your children?
Gods timing is always spot on! Thank you. I needed that.
I feel the same – just read an article about parenting I SO needed this morning. Thanks, Melynda!
I needed that reminder!
Don’t you just love how God knows what we need and when we need it? Thanks for reading, sweet Teelier!
Thank you for sharing. Really spoke to me this morning. I am a wife of a FF. There are many days where I’m sure I’ve missed the message. <3 I love that your writing is real. We are not perfect, but we can strive to do better after we realize it. :)
OK, I just had to Google FF…Thanks for schooling me in the lingo! :)
I love your point, too, about how we are not perfect (and won’t ever be this side of heaven) but we can strive to do better. SO true. Repentance, right?
Thanks so much for reading and commenting, Martha!
I get this…I SO get this. I have no little children to occupy my mind and I still miss the message sometimes. What a lovely piece Natalie. Thank you for sharing your heart.
I struggle with this a lot, forgetting that my husband chose me because he loves me…and he needs me. I am trying to be more aware of my words and actions, so instead of showing him frustration and how I think he should be a big boy…showing him that I love him and I am listening to his unspoken words. That he needs me, and that it isn't always about what I think he needs. Thank you for sharing this.
I understand what you are saying completely, Ami. I am choosing to do the same – even when I think he should be a big boy and I’m frustrated. It reminds me of the Proverbs 15 – A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Thank you so much for reading and commenting!!
Thank you for sharing this. I needed to read this, to be reminded that my husband DOES need me in the same ways I need him. Just because he’s a man means nothing. It’s intimate when he shows his vulnerability to me, showing me that he isn’t as strong as he wants to be sometimes. I need to be there for him at those times.
YES. I feel that way – just because he’s a man, I have always thought he should be tough and shouldn’t need me so much. However, this is our culture’s brainwashing because men DO have a sensitive side and they DO need us – and I, for one, think it’s sexy, not weak, when my husbands reveals that vulnerability!
Thanks for reading and commenting, Ami!
"There is a softness between a husband and wife that can only be understood by them. An intimacy reserved for just one another to see that transcends and crosses into daily life as reminders of their commitment."
Reading this just reminded me I forgot to rub my sweet hubby’s feet last night after he casually mentioned he really needed a foot massage. I intended to, (although I HATE FEET!!) , and then I forgot. :(
Oh, Lisa. You make me laugh. There’s always tonight, girl…:)
Thanks, Amy. Glad this part spoke to you. :)
You are quite welcome, Mary. And yes, I think even if I DIDN'T have small children around, I would miss the message often. :) Thank you for taking the time to read and comment!
OH – thanks for sharing! Sorry – I saw this from my blog and didn't connect. Goodness…what a slow brain I have these days! :)
This spoke to me. I am a divorced mother of 3 and in a steady, serious relationship with a man whom I love with my whole heart, and I still have these issues. He suffered a lot of loss in his life last year and it was so difficult. When I thought he was past it, he would react to something in a way that seemed out of character for him, and eventually, he would let me in to his thoughts and say he was missing someone and how he was hurting. Thank you for this reminder.
Diane, hurting does so much to our behavior. He's blessed to have you. Thank you for sharing your heart here.
Thanks for the reminder!
I actually was feeling overwhelmed yesterday and feeling disconnected from my hubby due to busyness. I knew there was a chance he’d be in town at the same time ready for lunch, so I called him. It wasn’t exactly on his way, but near his way, but he met me. I love this special relationship that God has blessed us with. (Husband and wife bond)
Sorry for your husband’s loss.