Photo by Eric Smoldt Photography
For the love.
I had been trying to talk to my husband for roughly 20 minutes – and if it were only the two of us, this conversation would have been started and finished about 15 minutes prior.
At one point, I realized someone who doesn’t know me and was listening might think I had Tourrette’s Syndrome.
Me to Jason: So, what were you saying?
Child #2 (barges into the scene): Sissy said blah-blah-blah-blah . . .
Me to Child #2: Samuel, really? Get upstairs and pick-up your room before bath.
Jason to Me: Yeah, so I don’t mind if you want to go run in the morning then . . .
Child #3: (barges into the scene) Mama, when’s dessert? (Of which I only said about five times during dinner)
Me to Child #3: After bath. Now go clean your room.
Me to Jason: That would be awesome if you could . . .
Child #1 (barges into the scene): MOOOOOOOMMM! The boys are making fun of me . . .
And then it happened.
“Everyone get out of the kitchen. NOW. GO!”
It was a calm, but booming voice that meant business.
“I need to talk to your mother,” the voice repeated. “And she’s the priority right now.”
My husband is a bit like EF Hutton. When he speaks, we listen. And it’s not in a militant-we’re-scared-of-him kind of way but in a way in which we know he means business if his voice raises even the slightest decibel and booms that “I’m not messing around” tone through the air.
You get Jason to this point and you better walk your tightrope carefully.
When they listened and did what they were told to do about ten minutes prior, there was quiet. We finished the conversation and we actually communicated and made a plan for the following day that made me want to yell “Go Team Snapp!”
Because that’s what marriage is. A team.
But teammates have to communicate with each other or no one knows what’s going on when it’s game-time.
Yet teammates can’t communicate well when they are being interrupted every 30 seconds. Or every 5 seconds.
Someone has to throw-out the penalty flag and lay-down the law or eventually, you’ll quit trying to formulate a game-plan.
A few years ago, I remember reading an article about an author (whose name I can’t remember) who had written something somewhere about how she loves her husband more than she loves her kids.
It isn’t that she doesn’t love her kids.
She just loves her husband more.
There was a public outcry. The poor woman was bashed to kingdom-come for suggesting such a thing.
Somewhere along the way, we’ve bought-in to the idea that we have to hover over our children and make them think the world is indeed all about them.
At some point, I allowed my children to continually step-in and interrupt a much-needed conversation I was having with their father – to the point where they thought this was the norm and didn’t even bat an eyelash when they saw the two of us speaking.
They knew I would stop talking to him and listen to them.
I cringe as I write these words because I see why he sometimes feels like he’s a lower priority than the dog.
I allow the interruptions – which is really communicating “This is a bigger priority.”
Those permissible interruptions tell my husband “I’ll get to you when I can,” and yet those times when I can often don’t happen.
I should also reiterate that I don’t believe in condemnation. There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus and there is no condemnation here.
But I know when I need to get better. For such a time as this.
One of these days, these kids won’t be interrupting us much. Heck, they probably won’t even be home half the time.
And I don’t want to look at my husband across the kitchen counters and feel like we’re separated by the Grand Canyon.
My Meemo calls these little things that chip away at a marriage termites.
Though it seems small, it’s precisely these termites that can eat away a relationship until the small stuff bands together and becomes big stuff.
So just for today, and hopefully tomorrow and the next day and the next day after that . . .
I will lean down, look my very-loved little people in the eyes and say . . .
“I’ll be with you soon. I’m talking to Daddy and right now, he’s my priority.”
Anyone else with me on this? Can I get an amen?
Amen! I remember when I got married, and then again when I was pregnant with our first child, my mom told me to make sure I kept my husband before the kids. I strive to, but now that we have two children it can be difficult at times. This was a good reminder for me. Great post!
Thank you for this article. My wife just yelled at me for being so unloving towards our 8 year old daughter today. My wife and I spent father’s day together today, but my daughter literally interrupted us every 5 minutes of this entire day. Finally I asked my wife to ask my daughter to sit in the table next to us so I could finish a conversation I have pursued all day with my wife.
My wife yells at me “you are so insensitive and unloving. Our child will be scarred for life because you are showing her you don’t want her around”.
I finally had to shut my mouth and not say anything to avoid further discussion on the matter.
Might I add my wife and I have been married for 28 years and we raised 5 adult children, this 8 year old is our miracle baby.
SO very true, although mine is in reverse. Getting my husband to put me as the priority is sometimes the hard part. Put down your phone, stop watching football, stop talking about what the kids want and need….. I personally need eye to eye contact to show me you’re listening and having to ask for that a lot is frustrating. Those small cracks widen easily!!! I am showing him this for sure!!
AMEN AMEN AND AMEN!!! Totally with you 110% Natalie. You just described my world to a T. :) Thanks for the post!
YES! I am bad about this too, and my husband is never sexier than when he send the boys out of the room so that we can actually converse without interruption (except maybe when he empties the dishwasher)! I love and adore my kids, but let’s face it…they are going to leave me someday. My husband isn’t. I don’t want us to look at each other someday and not know each other or not know how to talk to each other. And I also DO NOT want kids who think the world revolves around them. Because it doesn’t. I think it’s a great lesson for them to see a husband and a wife who prioritize each other.
Yes, yes, and yes. We have trouble with that too, only its usually my husband letting the kids interrupt. Since they’re only “part-timers” he feels like they should always be the first priority and lets them interrupt all the time. I understand that to some extent, but I worry that they will grow up thinking the world revolves around them, and that my husband and my relationship is the lower priority.
Amen sister! I thought this only happened at my house! With 4 kids it happens every night. Props to your husband for standing up for your team! :)
Amen! You’re right. Even though I’m not married, I’m in a relationship with a man for 2+ years and we are going through a bit of a struggle right now… I wonder if part of it is him not feeling like a priority in my life. The kids are constantly interrupting, mine and his, and we don’t always stop them. Yet, when I was a child, I knew I shouldn’t interrupt my parents and would wait until they were done with their conversation before I butted in. I think it’s time to teach mine the same thing. Thanks for this post. I needed to hear that.
That sounds like every night at our house! We have been in the same room texting each other and even hidden from the kids to talk!!! HA!
Amen!!
Very good! I think it's good for kids to know that Mom and Dad are the priority in the house. I think that deep down, it gives the kids security to know that Mom and Dad are strong together.
Just had this conversation with my husband this morning! You are right on!
I totally agree. I would also suggest that we sometimes let things other than kids interrupt. I'm thankful for sisters in Christ that have been there and done that so we can learn from them. Great words.
Love it!
I used my grandma’s life trio concept in my own marriage. God first, spouse second, children third. My husband completely understands that he is the biggest and best silver medal in my life! But Jesus gets the Gold!
Sigh, i found this article when i typed in my frustration in google search. My husband has 2 children from hid previous marriage, currently im working in another statr from where we so we dony see each other often. Wheb his kids come over i barely hear from him when we are on the phone his kids will interrupt and he then tells me he will call me back in the middle of our conversation. When i am there with him, they always interrupt out conversation, and he allows it, even tho he told me once he has to break then out of the habit, has not made an attempt to do so. I do feel less of a priority and keep wondering to myself if i made a mistake marrying someone with children. We do noy have children of our own yet.