So. Here we are again.
The sex topic from last week hit a nerve with quite a few of you. I heard from many and let me tell you, I love hearing how God stirs you so please don’t stop sharing. Message me, leave a comment, if you know me in-real-life tell me, whatever. It’s amazing to watch the chain reaction as He moves through His people.
So last week, we talked about the importance of intimacy in marriage. We discussed how our men don’t just want it, they need it and if they don’t get it?
Ain’t nobody happy.
But the number one comment I heard from all of you out there?
“I know it’s important but how do I get myself to stop making my grocery list while it’s happening?”
Since I’ve never had this problem (are you remembering that my husband reads my blog?), I’m just GUESSING that the following could possibly motivate the overloaded and tired woman:
1. Tell your husband you can’t just run and jump in the sack. Here’s the thing: they can. Usually. They don’t need any warming up if you know what I mean. Tell him how it’s hard for you to just “shut it off” and let him know you are trying. There is NOTHING sexier than close communication in a marriage and he will likely appreciate you trusting him enough to discuss a problem with him.
2. Recognize the need to pour-in to our marriages like we pour-in to other relationships. We really should be pouring into our marriage more than we pour into other relationships but raise your hand if you do this . . . And for the record, my hands are on the keyboard. We forget how much they need us (and we fail to recognize how much we need them) and, like any relationship, our marriages need tending. Part of this tending involves having a healthy intimate life.
3. Talk about his “sexpectations” – how much is “enough” for him? The reason I include this is because you might be thinking, “Well, we have sex once a week. That’s enough.” Which might be for you. But he could be dying on the vine.
4. Unload your brain, sisters. Now this? Might be the most difficult thing we face in this realm, girls. About thirty minutes before show-time, sit down and write-out anything that might creep into your mind while you are supposed to be focusing only on your hubs. Literally vomit your brain onto a piece of paper. IF your brain betrays you even after you have done this, train it to refocus back on your husband. Our minds need training just like the rest of our bodies need to be trained as well.
5. Plan for it and make it a priority. We get busy, don’t we? If your house is anything like mine, Jason and I could go do the things we need to get done individually and suddenly, it’s 10:30 and we’re exhausted. Don’t let anything interfere.
6. Recognize that sometimes, action precedes emotion. Yes, there have been times in which I didn’t necessarily “feel” like it. But, in the end, I’m always happy I got over it.
7. Focus on having fun. Laughing together is an awesome way to bond. Just this past Saturday night, Jason and I were playing “Wheel of Fortune” on the Wii (this is what we do for fun, people) and he suddenly emphatically burst out with “Hollywood Bowl! Hollywood Bowl! Hollywood Bowl!” I stared at him blankly until I figured out it was my turn and he was telling me the answer. I thought it was his turn. “Did you think I had Tourette’s Syndrome and just had to keep yelling ‘Hollywood Bowl’?” he asked. I’m still laughing about it. Clearly, it doesn’t take much.
8. And who says there’s anything wrong with a glass of wine (or whatever you prefer)? Alright, now please don’t write-in and tell me it’s not healthy for me to advise women to drink every time they have sex. If you must be smashed every time, then this might be a problem. But a glass of wine or two? Works for me.
9. Flirt throughout the day. Text messages can be fun. Or pinch his bottom when you walk by him in the hall. Or tell him how extra-handsome he looks. But be careful: I once sent a flirtatious text by accident to my friend, Dana. Luckily, she’s a dear friend and we got a good laugh out of it BUT . . . The message before her text (which I think I hit by accident when I tried to text Jason) was from my pastor. Can you imagine the embarrassment? Talk about God’s grace and protection. I was actually thankful Dana received it after that scare.
10. Lower. Your. Expectations. OK, sisters. I have a feeling this is going to hit a nerve with some of you and I’m sorry. It’s not my intention to ruffle feathers (in fact, I hate to stir the pot. Remember how I’m a recovering people-pleaser?) When we read romance novels, it’s the same as our men watching porn. I know this sounds extreme but what’s our number one beef with porn? That it creates unrealistic expectations of not only what a normal woman should look like but it also raises the bar so high sexually that many times, we won’t measure-up and our men are left feeling disappointed because we aren’t reenacting what they’ve seen. But guess what? So often, the characters we read about in romance novels make us feel ungrateful for who we have. Here’s the thing: these men do not exist. The author has taken several wonderful qualities from various men and created one being –but he isn’t real. And when we compare our men to the men that don’t exist, it’s pretty much the same thing as them comparing us to a porn star. We, and they, are doomed from the start.
There you have it, sisters. Stuff I’ve *heard* will work to get you in the mood . . . and bring peace to your home. :)
I have now become your husband’s favorite blogger . . .
LOVE it. :) I totally agree with #10 too, so no worries about the backlash. There is one author I used to read who actually got me IN the mood, I’ll have to remember her name and you can see what you think. :) ha!
You make me laugh, Lisa…
Fantastic!!! This was a necessary, Practical application kind of post. <3 Definitely resonates with me!
Thank you, Mandy! :)
my go to wedding advice: just remember, it usually only takes 10 minutes. :)
also, I think it’s important to mention, that women need it too. not in the same outward physical way but we still need it. most often when we feel like its the last thing we want it turns out to be exactly what we need. We think we’re ” doing it for our men” but it is just as beneficial for us.
and finally, we keep it pretty real in our house, if some to-do item pops into my brain, I share it. there’s generally a point in which I’m pretty uhh focused, and no longer making a grocery list.
SUCH good points, Megan. You are absolutely correct – I think I neglected to emphasize that point so thank you for mentioning it here. :)
I’m a guy that recently discover your blogs. I do agree with you. With me, it’s not so much that my wife doesn’t care to have sex, it’s the lack of affection that goes along with it. The feeling of importance goes a long way: holding hands, cuddling up on the couch, etc. It lets a guy know that you know we are there. It goes both ways though. I should be doing my job (literally and figuratively) to make her feel valued and not there as my sex toy.
I love my wife, but she is a professional business woman and we have a five year old. Our jobs and taking care of our child makes it hard sometimes. We married each other, though, and have to know the other’s wants and needs and balance that with our own. If she is stressed, do I really have to watch another Atlanta Braves game? Well yes, but why don’t I pick it up on the radio and take my kid out to the playground or to do errands so she can have the house to herself to wind down? It’s not always about me… it’s about us. If I can help her be relaxed or get things done, maybe then she will be “more in the mood” to spend time with me. The same goes for women: if the husband is stressed, give him time and space to unwind by doing the little things that made y’all the married team you are and just maybe he will be more attentive to your needs as a wife and woman.
I guess we all need to remember what made each other come together in the first place and cater to that. Relationships can quickly become about “what can you do for me” instead of what can you do to serve your spouse. I know I have done that myself. I just try hard not let it go too long before I realize how selfish I can be. I try my best to correct myself before being told to.
Lee, first of all, I LOVE that you read around here. LOVE. IT.
Secondly, your words are so chock full of wisdom and truth I don’t even know where to begin. I am half tempted to share them in a separate post if you don’t mind…
Thanks for making me think today!
No problem. I wish I found you sooner. You have a wisdom beyond your years and the means and ability to express it so well! I have only been reading for about a month or so. I hate that you are leaving this blog, but I think you are starting something different? Anyway, I will follow your writings anyway I can get them.
Thanks for helping others out and for helping me think as well. Not many people take the time to stop and think anymore…
Thanks, Lee. Your words touch me greatly so I appreciate you leaving them here.
I am actually just changing the blog’s name. It won’t be Mommy on Fire anymore – it will just simply be nataliesnapp.com. I’ll let everyone know when it officially will be changing.
The content and the voice will remain the same. :) I’m not going anywhere and I hope you don’t either!
Thank you so much for your encouragement and support!
Credit my Georgia education on that one! I reread your post about the change and my mind immediately jumped to “She’s leaving us!!!”. You clearly said you were just changing the name. I did the same thing when Coca Cola changed to New Coke in the 80s. Anyway, I’m looking forward to the new chapter for your blog and will anxiously await your postings and intellect.
Preach it sister! Thank you for always posting the truth and not tiptoeing around tough subjects! :)
:) You’re welcome. And thank YOU for reading and commenting, Christine.
Love this! And loved last week’s post as well. Very timely for our marriage and a difficult season of stress we are under. We have been neglecting our relationship. I read your post last week to my husband, and he totally agreed with it as well. Just the encouragement we needed.
Thanks so much for being you! I love you sister!
Oh, sweet friend. Thank you. Missing you…
Greetings. My first visit here. I was going to just email you my compliments on this great post, but since Lee had the courage to comment, figured I could, too.
One of the great benefits of blogs is that good information like this can be put “out there” for people to find and read. This advice could help a lot of marriage. Husbands and wives carry some very different expectations. Failure to communicate leads to frustration, hurt feelings and withdrawal from each other. Such a shame. Posts like this can get couples talking, understanding, and drawing together. Good job.
Thanks, Warren. I have made a lot of mistakes so I like to share my epic fails with others in the hope it will help. Thank you for visiting here!