A few years ago, my husband and I were out to dinner with a couple we had recently met.
They were a lovely couple on the outside – they had it all together. Or so it seemed.
After about ten minutes, I noticed the wife made several passive-aggressive jabs at her husband. She knocked him down more than she built him up and with each cutting comment, I watched his shoulders fall lower and lower.
After dinner, Jason and I were saddened yet I was also incredibly humbled. I had once been that wife and can easily slip into those same old habits if I don’t keep myself in alignment with God.
Sisters, submission has been made into a very dirty word and not only in the secular world – within the Christian world as well.
Yet the truth is . . . Very few truly understand what submission in marriage actually is.
When done correctly, marital submission is one the of most beautiful waltzes you will ever dance.
But notice how I said “when done correctly?” The “when done correctly” part is the hard part, eh?
I will not stand before you today and profess that I have it all figured out. Neither will I tell you my marriage is perfect because while we have God at the heart of our relationship, sometimes we lose sight and find ourselves in a valley.
Marital submission does not mean a husband rules over his wife through intimidation. Nor does it mean she won’t ever have a voice to freely express her opinions and ideas. Lastly, submission doesn’t mean wives are expected to be a “doormat.”
If marriage is meant to be a model of Christ and the church, then our husbands take-on the role of Jesus and we take-on the role of the church.
Though there is some controversy regarding a newer translation called “The Voice,” I like to use it as a reference to the NIV and NLT versions I read. Here’s what it has to say about Ephesians 5:21-28:
And the Spirit makes it possible to submit humbly to one another out of respect for the Anointed. 22 Wives, it should be no different with your husbands. Submit to them as you do to the Lord, 23 for God has given husbands a sacred duty to lead as the Anointed leads the church and serves as the head. (The church is His body; He is her Savior.) 24 So wives should submit to their husbands, respectfully, in all things, just as the church yields to the Anointed One.
25-26 Husbands, you must love your wives so deeply, purely, and sacrificially that we can understand it only when we compare it to the love the Anointed One has for His bride, the church. We know He gave Himself up completely to make her His own, washing her clean of all her impurity with water and the powerful presence of His word. 27 He has given Himself so that He can present the church as His radiant bride, unstained, unwrinkled, and unblemished—completely free from all impurity—holy and innocent before Him. 28 So husbands should care for their wives as if their lives depended on it, the same way they care for their own bodies. As you love her, you ultimately are loving part of yourself (remember, you are one flesh).
Husbands and wives are meant to submit to each another.
Husbands have been given the sacred duty to lead like Jesus leads the church and wives have been given the role of functioning like the body (the church). This means our husbands are to love us with a crazy-type of love and are to care for us as if their lives depended on it.
But here’s the challenge: the roles sometimes get switched and we don’t align with what God intended for us in marriage. And I don’t know about you but anytime I’ve ever strayed from what God desires, the outcome is disastrous.
On page 18 of The God Empowered Wife: How Strong Women Can Help Their Husbands Become Godly Leaders
Chapter One explains why we even need a husband for so many believe we just don’t. I love how she traced the role changes through history (chapter two) and her own humble testimony in Chapter Three is powerful.
As for the couple I told you about earlier? They’re now divorced. The state of our hearts is critical to the success of our marriages, sisters.
(I offer more thoughts on this whole submission thing in this post.)
We will discuss Chapters Four through Seven next Monday and don’t forget about our live Facebook chat on Thursday evening at 9 p.m. EST (click here if you would like to join us – it’s not too late)!
In the meantime, please take a moment to respond to any of the following questions in the comment section . . .
A perfect marriage is with God at the center of it. Without this, marriage will never be the way that God intended it. God said that the wife submits to her husband as she would submit to Christ, and that the husband love the wife the way he loves himself and the church. I am realizing now that submission is not what I thought it was, and that it is not being upheld the way Christ would like it to be. I am quickly changing myself to reflect God’s Holy Word. As a reflection of these changes, I want my husband to describe me only as the Lord guides him to speak the truth. This is not for me to decide, but only for the Lord. But, what if the husband does not love himself or the church? Then what?
This book is just what I needed. There are many aspects of this story that are familiar in my marriage. Things I never thought would be. I prayed for the right husband, and God provided. I know marriage is full of challenges and we must work hard at it. What happens when the wife is the only one working hard at it, while the husband keeps slipping further away from her and from God?
Mary Elisa said the same thing about the perfect marriage being the one with God in the center – so true! I stand corrected!
As for the husband who is falling away from the church…This is a tricky one because often we want to push them into going and being who want them to be without remembering that this is his journey and it’s between God and him alone.
I have found the more I push something with my husband, the more he resists. Because of this, I just pray like crazy. It doesn’t mean that I don’t talk to him about things that concern me (in humility and love – most of the time. Again, I sure am not perfect!) but instead of repeatedly bringing it up over and over, I express my concerns and move into praying for God’s will.
The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie O’Martian is a great resource for this. I would encourage you to check it out and commit yourself to praying for your husband and leave the rest to God.
When I start to feel bothered by it all, I then pray for myself – that God would give me a peaceful heart and to help me to trust Him to do what He is doing in His own time.
I hope this helps, Cathy. I’ve been there, sister. Keep going.
Cathy, just stumbled across this post from The MOB Society and thought of you…http://www.themobsociety.com/2014/05/03/titus-two-saturday-3/
Natalie,
Thank you for sharing this link. It was an excellent reminder (I already subscribe to MOB and Titus 2). My husband was a believer before we were married. A few years ago he made some choices. I don’t know if it is shame, but I don’t want him to start loving the Lord or say he is loving the Lord when he really does not.
When he saw the book, it angered him. Things are touchy, so talking about his thoughts on the book are out the door. Posting the verses brought on unnecessary comments and accusations. On my nightstand I have Power of Prayer For Your Husband, Power of Prayer to Change your marriage and God’s Word. I use all of these things regularly.
Sometimes I just don’t know how to pray for him. I do know that I need to pray that God’s Will be done.”
Thank you Natalie!
Hugs!
I really liked the history in chapter 2 as well. It helped to really understand how families have gotten into the shape that they are in, and I could see some of those influences in multiple generations of my family. The whole idea of submission is going to require a lot of effort on my part, and an increase in my ability to trust in God’s plan.
I hear you, Ann. It has been a rough road for me too but one that has produced SO much fruit in my marriage.
I also saw these influences in my own family as well. I hear you!