When Jason and I got married, we heard plenty of seriously-kidding advice from men who meant well but made me cringe.
“The key to a successful marriage,” one shared, “is to just learn to say ‘Yes, Dear!'”
“You’ll learn soon enough to just go along with it,” another one said. “That’s how you’ll keep the peace.”
Or my personal favorite: “Just know that your way is the wrong way – always,” one guy said, disguising his frustrated truth under the guise of a joke.
I personally don’t love that men see our gender as bossy but I’m also not surprised. After all, the result of the fall of man as described in Genesis 3:16 was, “. . . you will desire to control your husband,but he will rule over you.”Obviously, it’s in our nature to want to be “in charge.”
Apparently, way back when, during the days of King Solomon’s reign, the word quarrelsome meant bossy.
Knowing this, let’s read the following verses about quarrelsome (bossy) wives:
A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping. – Proverbs 19:1b
It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home. – Proverbs 21:9
It’s better to live alone in the desert than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife. – Proverbs 21:19
A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping on a rainy day. Stopping her complaints is like trying to stop the wind or trying to hold something with greased hands. – Proverbs 27:15-16
I don’t know about you but when I read these, I think . . . ouch.
I know I’ve been quarrelsome. I know I’ve been a complainer. I know there have been days when my husband would like to retreat to the corner of the attic thankyouverymuch.
The solid ringing of conviction can be so loud you can’t help but listen.
In her book, The God Empowered Wife, Karen Haught says, “Here’s a test: if you think you’re “just being helpful” when you tell your husband what to do, but bristle when he tells you what to do, you are quarrelsome. If you frequently tell him what he should do, what he shouldn’t do, how he could do better what he’s already doing, or how wrong he did something he’s already done . . . you’re quarrelsome” (p. 83).
Ouch again.
Karen further explains there are seven different types of quarrelsomeness – what she calls the “Seven Deadly C’s.” They are:
Complaining: When you are dissatisfied with something your husband has done and you let him know it
Condemning: Disapproval of a choice he has made and a form of self-righteousness that pushes your husband away
Conjecturing: Conjecturing is gossiping. Do you say negative things about his family? Other people in general?
Contradicting: Challenging everything your husband says or does. This reveals pride, self-righteousness and lack of grace.
Controlling: When you want to control the way your husband behaves or choices he makes. Controlled husbands will often withdraw and become less affectionate. Oftentimes, when we feel the need to control, we are usually scared of losing contentment and joy.
Correcting: Challenging him on every little thing, especially in public, is exasperating. Pride and fear of criticism from others is often the root.
Criticizing: Communicating your disapproval of his actions, words, or him in general leads to his feelings of disrespect. When men feel disrespected by their wives, they often withdraw affection causing the wife to feel unloved. The love and respect cycle is the “crazy cycle” as I call it. Someone has to be willing to stick their toe in the water first to leave the circuitous pattern behind, right?
So let’s talk! Pick any of the questions below to answer in the comment section. Also, 1) you don’t have to be an “official” member of the study to comment, 2) You can still join our Facebook group by clicking here and requesting to be added, and 3) you can respond to what others have said below.
We will discuss chapters eight and nine on Thursday night at 9 p.m. in our Facebook group.
2. He doesn’t really react or push back when I’m being bossy, so its hard sometimes for me to know when I have crossed that line from truly helpful suggestions to bossiness. I’ve asked him to tell me when I do it, but he won’t. But Karen’s descriptions/test of quarrelsome is helpful, and I’m trying to be more aware of it myself. Its hard to break out of old habits though!
Oh, yes, I know, Ann! I also like Karen’s descriptions because even if Jason doesn’t tell me (which he has no problem doing!!!) I can get a sense when I’m being “quarrelsome”! Ha!
My husband is quick to tell me to back off and let me know when I am being bossy. I struggle with the controlling form of quarrelsome the most. I allow my pride or my fear to dictate how I feel about his decisions sometimes and I know that is wrong!
It’s good you recognize your need to control and when you are doing it – that’s half the battle right there! It’s also good you recognize that when we are trying to control, we are fearful of something. I also struggle with this sometimes but when I remember the truths of who He is (in control, all powerful, all loving, and I can trust Him) I feel the freedom to let go and let Him do His thing without getting in His way or adding my two cents. It’s very freeing!
controlling emotionally is my biggest challenge and I have a lot of fear in my heart. I have really felt God taking hold the last few days. Complaining is my next one-but mine is mostly about other things, which is regardless as he has said he doesn’t like hearing it. Interesting enough, I have noticed that my husband goads me into gossiping and then contradicts me which would then hurt my feelings and make me feel like he was against me. Once I noticed that, it was easy enough to stop! And I have been much happier and felt closer to him.
My husband is the same – if I complain too much, or even a little, he shuts down – and rightfully so. It’s natural to want to vent to your husband now and then but when it’s repeated, it gets old and very “Debbie Downer-ish”! Yay for you for noticing ways to stop unhealthy patterns and better your relationship.
My husband and I are usually on the same page. We don’t usually get into disagreements, but no one is perfect. Recently, I was exhausted after spending a long, hot, day outside playing with our kids and some of their cousins. All of the kids seemed to be a bit “needer” than usual and I was physically and mentally drained by the end of the day. I’m sure I wasn’t the most beautiful in that moment at the end of the day when the kids were finally in bed and I made my way to the door to greet him (after a long work day). He definitely has a sense of humor and made a harmless joke about how I looked. Normally I would have laughed with him, but I took offense to it. He questioned why it upset me and then said he’d never joke with me again. I got upset because he just didn’t understand how rude his comment was. I wasn’t asking him to never joke with me again, I just wanted him to recognize that he hurt my feelings and we could move on. It was truly a harmless joke that 364 days of the year I would laugh with him at, but not this day. I wasn’t letting it go. While he got cleaned up, I retreated to the Bible because I felt defeated. I just so “happened” to open up to Proverbs and read two of the verses you mentioned:
A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping. – Proverbs 19:1b
It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home. – Proverbs 21:9
I apologized for being quarrelsome. It wasn’t my intention. That’s such a good reminder…because I obviously do not want to be the type of wife that my husband wants to run away from. :)
Stephanie, I’ve been there, too. Like I don’t always know what his day entails, he doesn’t always know what mine entails. Both can be equally challenging and exhausting and then there are those days when it’s multiplied by a thousand…Thank God for His word – and for grace in marriage, right?
I think correcting is the biggest for me. ( I know that he might say controlling. I never was “controlling”, and never stood up for my beliefs. Now that I am, it is looked at as controlling and aggressive. I cannot be submissive in the “wrong” form of it anymore!) Back to correcting. I find my husband over-exaggerating at times. This usually leads to me looking incompetent or unintelligent. I am not okay with this level of disrespect. I try hard to correct when others are not present, and not in a negative way. If it’s in regards to our children’s safety, I have to step in.
I am finding the book difficult to read. So much of what Karen talks about, I am already doing! This has led to him making many ungodly choices. I guess it’s up to him to choose when he will be ready to lead. I hope and pray that he will have God by his side every step of the way.
I struggle the most with controlling the most. I would def say I am borderline control freak, especially with handling situations with our children (mainly tantrums). My husband often tells me “I’m not a first grader, don’t talk to me like one” or “get your teacher voice off”. I have heard that one a time or two in our marriage. The verses on a quarrelsome wive hit me hard too. My mom often bit her tongue when arguing with my Daddy. I never understood and always told her she needed to stand up for herself better. He can be quite difficult at times. I told myself I would never let a man walk over me the way that I saw my Dad walk over my Mom. Now, especially after reading the verses about a quarrelsome wife, I see she how much wiser she is than me.
Page 105 “You can’t fake respect. If you think your husband is too far down to look up to, you’ve put yourself too high up in your own mind.” This slapped me right in the face and I deserved it. I have made good strides this week in staying away from the 7 C’s. Now that I’m aware, I see how I’ve been doing this a lot lately. Thankfully, my husband is kind and forgiving.