I’m living my ultimate dream. Seriously.
When I was a little girl, I would envision the moment I got married and became a mother as the time when I had arrived, when life would be complete and I would have some stability of my own and it would all be . . . easier.
I think this is called naivety. Dreams are often based on something we don’t know much about because it has yet to happen – we don’t choose a dream we’ve already attained. If we haven’t experienced something, it’s difficult to gain wisdom, right?
But with every dream, there’s a moment when we think, “Oh. This isn’t exactly how I envisioned it.” On this side of heaven, nothing, nothing, nothing will be like where we’ll end-up someday.
It isn’t that I don’t love my life because I do. I’m very aware of how blessed I am. Even on my most difficult days, I know I am blessed beyond what I deserve. And I am indeed living my dream.
One of my dear friends said this of motherhood and being a wife: “I knew it wouldn’t be easy but I just didn’t know it would be this hard.”
Can I get an “amen”?
I didn’t know how selfish I was until I became a mother.
I didn’t know how “in-charge” I could be until I became a wife.
I didn’t know I could be so exhausted that I would put the phone in the freezer and the ice cream on the counter and literally cry with reckless abandon when one of those colicky babies woke up fifteen minutes after falling asleep.
I didn’t know what I didn’t know.
And because I’m human and disabled by the flesh, because I still get tired, because I am not Jesus, I have moments with those I love the very most when I come unglued.
More than I care to admit to be quite honest with you. But I do have the power to change this. Self-control is real and it can happen.
So when it was time to select a book for our next study, I prayed and it came to me faster than any other book I’ve chosen in the past : Lysa TerKeurst’s book,Unglued: Making Wise Choices in the Midst of Raw Emotions.
The first chapter starts with a funny story about Lysa losing her “stuff” over towels and while our own circumstances might be different, I’m certain many of us can relate to losing it over something we shouldn’t be losing it over.
However, we know we can’t change Rome in a day. We are indeed disabled by the flesh and there will be moments during our Unglued journey in which we’ll act like we’ve never even heard of this book. It’s called imperfect progress. “Imperfect changes are slow steps of progress wrapped in grace . . . imperfect progress,” Lysa says. (p. 14)
No one expects perfection or a quick-fix. In fact, quick-fixes don’t usually last long-term – we want slow and steady and room for grace.
When we become unglued, it’s usually because something isn’t going the way we had planned, isn’t it? The plan may not be bad but maybe just not the way we envisioned it.
Yet when we walk through those wrongly-envisioned plans, sometimes we realize the way the plan unfolded was actually a blessing. For example, Lysa’s computer had a virus and she freaked out. She had to purchase a new computer but luckily, she was able to get some of the information from her sick computer so she downloaded it to a hard drive.
One month later, her new computer was stolen.
Having backed up the missing information on that hard drive when her first computer died, Lysa now had the information she needed in an alternate location. All was not lost. Her sick computer ended up being a blessing in the long-run because she would not have had the hard drive otherwise.
“I can face things that are out of my control and not act out of control,” she writes.
In his book The Circle Maker: Praying Circles Around Your Biggest Dreams and Greatest Fears
When stuff happens that makes us come unglued, it’s just a comma. And how we live that comma in the moment is how we show grace to the world.
Next Monday, we’ll discuss Chapters Three and Four – and don’t forget about our Facebook discussion on Wednesday night at 9 p.m. (and it’s still not too late to join us – click here to request an invite!)
So for today’s discussion, answer any or all of the following questions in the comments (and feel free to read other’s comments and comment back!)
1. What usually makes you come unglued?
2. Is it hard for you to have grace with yourself? Why or why not?
3. What comes to mind when you think about making a change?
4. Share anything else that caught your attention in Chapters One or Two.
I often have grace for myself. Its hard to be perfect! My laundry sits clean on my bed a couple days at a time. Yesterday we made it to church on time and THEN I realized I forgot to brush my children’s teeth! But I dont have the same grace when ive delegated to someone else. “Unglued” happens to me when ive asked for help or you offered and I accepted, but then it is forgotton or neglected, or not put together at even the mediocre bar Ive set……I am working on grace and empathy in ALL life’s circumstances. Looking forward to the study!
Holly, that’s great you are able to have grace with yourself! Many people can’t or just don’t do that so yay for you! I understand what you’re saying – grace is needed with all of us. So thankful you are joining us again!
I’ve been struggling with coming unglued over obedience lately. I can handle a time or two of disobedience without coming unglued, but I feel like I fight it on small ways ALL DAY. Then I get upset that I came unglued because he’s such a good boy. Do I obey all the time? Ha! No!!! I get in my own little world and so does he. I’m working in realizing that and guiding him through those moments rather than coming unglued. Trying to have grace for him and myself in those moments.
Oh, I so get this, Stephanie. Me too. What a good point – no, I don’t always obey either. Yes, I need more grace for us all – including myself! :) Thanks for sharing your thoughts!!!
1. What usually makes you come unglued? HAHA It’s always different things but the same people. MY KIDS! Who I love more than anything but the oldest is 15 and knows it all and criticizes my parenting in front of the younger ones. The little 3 bicker and fight over EVERYTHING. IN . THEIR .WORLD.
2. Is it hard for you to have grace with yourself? Why or why not? Not really. Nor is is hard for me to extend grace. am fully aware of God’s grace for me and so I tend to be quick to forgive and forget.
3. What comes to mind when you think about making a change? Work. Self awareness. Time.
4. Share anything else that caught your attention in Chapters One or Two.
I like the reminder that we CAN change our thought patterns and that we do have self control. WE may not be able to control the feelings that come but with God through the power of the holy spirit we CAN take our thoughts captive and think differently and then act differently. As she says feelings are indicators not dictators. (LOL at myself after I went off on my daughter this AM when she told me I was modeling poor parenting skills). My unglued-ness gives me such an opportunity to ask for forgiveness from my kids.
GREAT BOOK!!!
Melynda, I enjoyed reading your thoughtful answers. I also loved the hope it gives us that we CAN change our reactions and thought patterns. LOVE the “feelings are indicators, not dictators” quote too! Thanks for your valuable insights, Melynda!
What makes me come unglued? Usually, it’s when we’re (or I’m) over-committed. Too much to do, not enough time, someone doesn’t listen, and BOOM!, I am unglued. It frustrates me that I react like this and I desperately don’t want my tombstone to read like the one Lysa references!
I try to have grace with myself, but probably don’t have as much as I should. I tend to have grace with my children and husband though, forgiving them quickly. But for myself – not so much.
Making a change – hmm. This is going to take intentional effort. Like the effort it takes to change my eating habits. Consistent, dedicated thought to changing my behavior. I have to learn to accept “imperfect progress” because I like my progress to be all or nothing :)
Other thoughts – love the idea that “I can face things that are out of my control and not act out of control.” This is huge for me. And also later “God is there and that He is out to do me good, I can stop freaking out trying to fix everything on my own. I can rest in the fact that God is in control.” Amen. Another lesson I need to remember more often. If he’s going to be my shepherd, then I have to be a sheep. And sometimes, I’d rather not. God is in control and that’s the way I want it…but sometimes I think I can and should control it all. Again, more to work on :)
Me too, Heather. A few years ago, I was HORRIBLY over-committed – I said “yes” to way too much (which, by the way, is what Lysa’s new book is about – The Best Yes.) I had no margin and was always running around like a chicken with my head cut off, doing everything half-way well. It’s not at all what I wanted out of life but I didn’t know how to get off the crazy train. Luckily, I had dear friends who walked me through it – with God leading, of course.
Yes, change will take intentional effort but it will be so worth it!!!
And I hear you on the sheep thing…I also forget sometimes that I’m supposed to be the sheep – not the shepherd.
Good thoughts, Heather! Thanks for sharing them with us!
What makes me come unglued? Usually my kids (and sometimes my husband) and their lack of the sense of urgency. They can have 5 hours to get ready to go somewhere and still manage to use up every last second and then some, all the while making a disastrous mess out of the house.
Is it hard for you to have grace with yourself? Sometimes… There are times I am terribly hard on myself and then there are other times that I think I show myself all too much grace, when I should be trying to change my behaviors.
What comes to mind when I think about making a change? Trying to stop controlling everything (and everyone for that matter). After reading chapters 1 and 2 I totally appreciate the idea of imperfect progress. I tend to feel that I have to progress without any set backs or I may as well not try at all and that has kept me in the same rut. Each minute is another opportunity to try to do it right and I need to remember that. :-)
I am really enjoying this book and hope I can apply what I learn.
Cassie – I could’ve written your response! Praying that we both can apply our new knowledge to difficult situations!
As I rev myself up for a staff meeting where I DON’T cry during it (it has been a loooong summer), I know I need this book.
1. What usually makes you come unglued? I can think of many situations, but I wanted to get to the root of WHY they make me come unglued. The common theme I saw is not feeling like I was heard. Frustrations with my kids? I don’t feel they heard and responded to me. Unhappy with hubby? I don’t feel like he listened to me. Stressful situation? I feel like I was not considered at all.
2. Is it hard for you to have grace with yourself? Why or why not? I am extraordinarily hard on myself. I have very high standards and expectations spiritually for myself. I am not new to this. I have been building a relationship with my Father for a long time. I have learned to let things go more quickly, though. Hold myself accountable and then move on.
3. What comes to mind when you think about making a change? I want my first reaction in every situation to be a calm one. I want people to come to me in crisis and seek wisdom and not see panic. I want to think first and act later.
4. Share anything else that caught your attention in Chapters One or Two. She made some great points about the story of Joshua. I love the change in perspective of what he should have been asking.
1. What usually makes you come unglued?
Frustration….I come unglued when I get extremely frustrated about something.
2. Is it hard for you to have grace with yourself? Why or why not?
It’s extremely hard for me. I have a tendency to beat myself up all the time. I think I hold myself up to higher standards that I hold everyone else to.
3. What comes to mind when you think about making a change?
Growth. I don’t think I can change without growing as a person and finding a little bit of room to let myself make mistakes.