The only drama in Rosie and Sassy’s life is who is going to get the peanut butter . . . (don’t worry – they both did!)
A while ago, I was in a conversation in which the speaker was talking about a friend who had checked-in with her because she felt something was “off” in their relationship.
This, of course, is good, healthy communication and a good practice to instill in all relationships.
Except for the person I was speaking with discounted this friend and said she didn’t have time for any “drama.”
Which got me thinking . . . how often do we discount other people’s hearts and drive a wedge in our relationships when we hide behind the shield of “wanting no drama”?
And let’s just be real for a minute . . . does anyone want more drama? OK, yes. There are some. But I’m not talking about them here. I’m talking about the general, mature adult population.
I recently discovered a podcast I’m loving called The Adult Chair with Michelle Chalfant. Trust me, you will want to check it out as it’s chock-full of good stuff.
Michelle talks about the three chairs we all sit-in from time-to-time – the child chair, the adolescent chair and the adult chair.
After listening to her podcasts, i began to reflect on how often I sit in the adolescent chair – the one in which eye-rolls and rebellion exist, and yikes . . . I sit right on down there quite a bit.
So I’m making a more conscious effort to sit in my adult chair more often because I did just turn 45 and maybe it’s time.
From the adult chair, I see how often we overuse the word drama as a way to shame those who have emotions and are willing to talk about them – even when it’s hard. For so long, we’ve told them they are too much, they’re wrong for feeling the way they do and they’re just too sensitive.
Yet the deep-feelers of the world are rare and possess the gift of a very different perspective than most. They are noticers of small details. They see the story behind every interaction, behind every tear, behind every victory, behind every defeat. Noticers are the storytellers of the world, people who connect us all and humanize one another so we can actually see people and not issues.
Noticers soften us all and I think we could all use a little softening these days.
Yet noticers also are often unfairly labeled as drama mamas, too emotional or too anything.
But in all fairness, there are indeed those who thrive off of drama.
So what’s the difference between a noticer and a drama mama? (And I am using the term drama mama not to be sexist but because, let’s be real – most of the readers here are women. But men can be drama mamas, too.) This:
1. Drama mamas must always make everything about themselves. Those who thrive off of drama live in the adolescent chair pretty much all the live-long day. Their conflict du jour (usually that they’ve stirred-up) is to get others to pay attention to them. To notice them.To heal the wounds they may not even know they have. While drama mamas loudly demand attention, noticers quietly mention their hurt for the sake of healthy relationships. Big, big difference.
2. Drama mamas blame others while noticers take responsibility. Drama mamas are victims. All of their problems are the fault of everyone else. Noticers possess humility which is the foundation of all healthy relationships. Humility leads to vulnerability, and vulnerability leads to authentic relationships. Authentic relationships are healing, heartfelt and helpful to our day-to-day lives.
3. Drama mamas talk about everyone else to everyone else. Noticers talk to few. OK, who isn’t guilty of talking about other people now and then? I’m not condoning this – just merely saying we all do it. The difference is that a drama mama will talk about others to anyone and everyone – their filter for discretion is non-existent.
4. Drama mamas post all of their junk on social media. There’s enough negativity in the world. Social media isn’t the place for political arguments, hard issues and personal problems. I’ve seen some people handle political arguments on social media in a mature, respectful manner but they’re rare birds.
5. Drama mamas are impulsive, noticers are not. Again, drama mamas are lacking in the filter department. Yeah, we all lose our filter now and then – but we’re talking consistency here. Drama mamas often say things without thinking and offer their opinion on everything – even when no one asks or cares to know.
Do drama mamas need love? Heck, yeah. But sometimes we need to pray for them and love them from afar – and that’s OK. We just have to know the difference between someone who is trying to stir-up some excitement and someone who values your relationship so much they’re willing to talk through hard stuff with you.
So can we all agree to stop shaming the noticers? Stop telling them to quit having feelings? Listen to their hearts and know it comes from a good place? Noticers aren’t dramatic – they’re real, authentic and care so much about you, they’re willing to have hard conversations to preserve their relationship with you. Sounds like someone who will hold your heart well.