I need to be straight with you: I don’t really want to talk about marital submission here on this blog.
Not because I don’t fully believe in it, because I do. Not because I’m scared of people not liking me, because I’m not (well, I used to be but I’ve worked through this and I’m not so much anymore.) And not because I’m brainwashed because this is backed-up by scripture, people.
But truthfully? I don’t want to talk about it because submission has been made into one of the ugliest words in the English language.
However, in it’s true meaning, submission is a beautiful thing – but it’s been convoluted by the world to mean something far from beautiful.
As we talked about last week, submission is not being a doormat. It is not a dismissal of your own thoughts and opinions and it doesn’t mean we yield to intimidation and abuse disguised as submission. Yet many who throw stones at the idea of submission have been deceived into believing it is.
The truth is . . . submission actually gives women a tremendous amount of power. I realize this is not why we submit to our husbands, but it’s most certainly a byproduct of a marriage doing submission the way it’s supposed to be done.
Remember the movie “My Big Fat Greek Wedding?” Here’s one of my favorite scenes:
Notice how the wife didn’t jump in and get into a big squabble in front of their daughter? Notice how she spoke to him later (alone) about the issue at hand? Notice how she’s the neck? She has a tremendous amount of influence over her husband because he loves her like Christ loves the church. And he loves her like Christ loves the church because she submits to him the way the church submits to Christ.
If Jesus were to walk in to your house tonight, would you welcome him as special, revered guest or would you act like he was just any other person walking through your front door?
I find it hard to believe any of us would say “Oh, hey, Jesus…Hey, would you do me a favor and grab the roast out of the oven?”
As a church, we would never assume we were on equal footing a Jesus.
Yet far too often in my marriage, I find myself stepping-in – which discourages my husband from stepping up.
As Karen points out on page 57, “No one can serve two masters; for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to one and despise the other” (Matthew 6:24)
When we expect to “wear the pants” and emasculate our husbands by insisting on leading the family, both husbands and wives are serving two masters: the wives are serving God (or so they think) and the lies of the world while the husband is serving God (or so they think) and their wives.
And did you notice what happens when two masters are served? We will be devoted to one and despise the other.
Have you ever met men who seems to despise their wives because they’re controlling? Always cutting him off in conversations? Forever insisting on her own way without thinking for a minute about his own desires? I certainly have and it usually doesn’t end well.
I highlighted several passages from chapters four through seven, so we are doing to do discussion a little differently today . . . I will share some of the “a-ha” moments that struck me below. In the comments below, choose one and share your thoughts.
1. “We emasculate our husbands by mothering them and then complain they aren’t stepping up to the plate” (p. 61)
2. “Even the lowliest man has a God-given need to lead his family and when he can’t – or won’t – he isn’t fulfilling the purpose for which he was created. He will likely become depressed, withdrawn, or angry and turn to other things or people to fill that need and purpose. It’s not what he really wants but he doesn’t know how to lead in a way that his wife will follow. And his wife doesn’t know how to follow a man who isn’t leading in a godly way” (p. 62)
3. “You stop being dominant when you start creating opportunities for him to lead” (p. 63)
4. “Active submission is not about being a doormat; it’s about being a firm and supporting foundation. In a strange way, it reveals your real power and wisdom: the power to give or take away your husband’s leadership by your willingness to follow him and the wisdom to let him experience God – on God’s timetable, not yours” (p.65)
We will read chapters eight and nine this week, friends!
Hard just to answer only one, so I am going to combine!
Sometimes husbands act like they still need their mom. As wives we want to support and be there for them. Sometimes they don’t want this to stop. That’s when it turns ugly for us. We are no longer filling in the role as their wife, and we have enabled them to stop taking care of their responsibilities/leading. Then the husband begins resenting the wife not filling in every female role that he desires, which is the wrong kind of submission. He becomes withdrawn, depressed, etc. Sometimes he wanders, sometimes he stays with a grudge. The wife wants her husband, the one she married, back. Where is he? He’s separated himself from her. He’s separated himself from God. When he decides to come back into the marriage, and we begin trusting again, the wife has difficulty letting go of what she has had to be responsible for. It makes her feel less than what she really is because of having to “let go”, and causes her to feel disrespected. It might be difficult to let our guard down, because what if this happens again. We must trust God that He will help us to persevere. How do wives set healthy boundaries, while being the submissive wife God wants us to be?
I have had the realization that I tend to be the leader because my husband lets me. He says it is because I know what the Bible teaches s nd says and have a better ability to discern – which I took to be a compliment and as growth on my husband’s part. I was wrong. Over the past year I have been trying very hard to do #3 and create opportunities and help him lead. Its hard……..but its helping us both.
Sorry for the late reply! I got a little behind and had to catch up! Number 1 & 4 struck me too, specifically the last part about letting him experience God on God’s timetable. I have always felt the need to tell my husband how he should lead or what he should be doing in His walk with God (Mrs. Bossy, I know
Sorry for the late reply! I got a little behind and had to catch up! Number 1 & 4 struck me too, specifically the last part about letting him experience God on God’s timetable. I have always felt the need to tell my husband how he should lead or what he should be doing in His walk with God (Mrs. Bossy, I know
Can you see this whole post? I’m not sure why but I’m only seeing partial. I sent it through my phone so that could be the problem. I’ll try looking at it on the computer and re-post.
Sorry for the late reply! I got a little behind and had to catch up! Number 1 & 4 struck me too, specifically the last part about letting him experience God on God’s timetable. I have always felt the need to tell my husband how he should lead or what he should be doing in His walk with God (Mrs. Bossy, I know), based on my own desires and how I wanted our marriage to look and feel. After reading the beginning of chapter 4 it was clear to me that once I consciously and actively seek God, He would move in and through my husband, accomplishing exactly what I thought I could. What it really boils down to is trust in God, which ultimately grows my faith, but my husband’s also. It’s one of those things I want to kick myself for not realizing before because it seems so obvious! Lol However, I cut myself a little slack knowing how hard it is to let go of my own efforts and let God. Often my prayers for my husband centered on helping him see what I see in marriage, attempting to get what I want. My focus needs to shift towards asking the Holy Spirit to work in him and draw him closer…to give him clarity. When we made the big move to Lafayette, I fought and fought my husband because I was content in GA (emphasize the “I”). I didn’t want to leave and thought he was deliberately and selfishly taking me away from my extended family. What he was really doing was loving me and listening to God, but I didn’t see that at the time. Years of resentment affected our marriage, until God revealed that he was leading my husband. I had to let go and let God lead him. Looking back I see how much control I wanted to have in the decision and how selfish I was for not allowing God to lead my husband through a graduate program that would ultimately bless our family in many ways in the future. It wasn’t until I did let go of that need to have things my way that I saw how much God needed me in Lafayette too. In the process of being angry at my husband, I was blind to what God had intended for me too….”US”. Of course he did not make this decision on his own, I was a huge part of that conversation on many occasions, but I would be passive or not want to change my mind. It was amazing to see how our marriage had been transformed into a dependency on God and each other and not so much on myself. I love the section where the author talks about deciding to become submissive is not godly submission. “You can’t just stop doing something that’s wrong; you have to start doing something right in its place.” I didn’t realize it then, but I see it now, God was giving me an opportunity to let my husband practice leading. I became emotionally invested in the decision to move while my husband was seeing the opportunities an advanced education would offer our family. Since then, I have really tried to point him to God for answers rather than try to tell him how to look at the situation, whatever it may be. (Sorry for the personal story, but I thought it applied well here). :)
Great testimony!