Why this photo with this post? Because even in the midst of unraveling, wow . . . what joy there has been.
The last two years have been a complete crap-show, friends. I don’t even know where to begin.
I can tell you this: I still love Jesus. I still adore my three people and the mister. I still believe in women encouraging each other. And I still believe in the ridiculous sweetness of yellow Labrador Retrievers, a glass of good wine, good coffee and good conversation. Usually all together in the same room.
I’ve dealt with more relational conflict in the last two years than the previous 42 years combined. Yes, I wrote a book about the importance of having heart sisters. I authored a six week Bible study on the same topic. I speak often to groups on the importance of girlfriends and why we need other women in our lives.
But today, as I stand here at 44 years of age, I can tell you that four heart sisters remain. Out of, once upon a time, twelve.
Four steadfast friends who are committed to working through stuff that comes up when it’s hard because they love you. Four friends who sit on the front porch with you as you cry, lament, drink coffee and say “I’m just going to sit here until you’re OK.” Four friends who say “Whatever you decide, I’m with you.” Four friends who are forever friends, not just for a reason and for a season.
And yes . . . trust me. I know. What a gift to have four.
Yet the conflicts have rocked my world. Some of which much of the blame can be laid at my feet, some of which were just downright betrayals leaving a machete protruding from my back. I so appreciate how Jen Hatmaker has chronicled her similar journey to authenticity and out of religiosity during the past few years as well. In a post from last year, she states “This year, I deeply experienced being on the wrong side of religion, and it was soul-crushing. I suffered the rejection, the fury, the distancing, the punishment, and sometimes worst of all, the silence. I experienced betrayal from people I thought loved us. I felt the cold winds of disapproval and the devastating sting of gossip. I received mocking group texts about me, accidentally sent to me; “Oh, we were just laughing WITH you!” they said upon discovery, an empty, fake, cowardly response. It was a tsunami of terror. One hundred things died. Some of them are still dead. Some are struggling for life but I don’t know if they will make it.”
This, in a nutshell, has been my story. Because then she says this:
“Simultaneously, other things died during the election season. Much ink has been spilled here and I won’t belabor the point, but I know I’m not the only one holding a pile of tattered threads in her hands, wondering what on earth just happened to our supposed holy common ground. The Christian Machine malfunctioned, and we are all still staring at each other, trying our damnedest to figure out how we understand the gospel so differently, unsure if we will ever find our way back to each other. The Christian community has been maligned, mocked, dragged, and dissected publicly, our civil war evident to a watching world. We are a meme. It is truly awful.
My mind knows the difference between the Christian Machine and Jesus, but this year it feels hard to separate. The whole system seems poisoned, and I struggle to drink any of it. Even as I recognize my cynicism throwing a wet blanket over the credible, sincere declarations of others, I can’t quite stop it. It’s all falling on damaged ears. Every bit of it feels manufactured, brand-building, pretty words that failed me, didn’t show up, joined the chorus that broke my family’s heart. This is plainly unfair, but here I am.”
And there you have it. I couldn’t express it any better than Jen did. We are kindred spirits, she and I.
It’s also a big reason why I haven’t written here because every time I sat down to so, I just couldn’t do it. What do you say when you’ve been vilified, misrepresented, gossiped about and treated like trash? Nothing. You say nothing until the words slowly return. And praise be to God, they’re returning because I heal through writing and oh how I need to heal through some stuff, friends. Maybe you do, too. If so, I pray healing over you as well in whatever form that takes for you.
There’s so much more to share. So much more to say. So much more to heal. But I’m going to share and say and heal because just as Jen’s words have done for me, maybe some of the explanation of my midlife, unraveling-self can do for you.
Disclaimer: I love Jesus but I cuss a little. I’m over judgement and “the pretty front porch” of the church but I still think we are called to be a part of it. I drink wine. I have a large tattoo on my forearm and this summer, I added some pink to my hair because why not? I’m not sure where I stand on a lot of big ticket topics the church spends a ridiculous amount of time talking about. I think it’s far more simple than we’ve made it. I haven’t been to seminary, I’m still growing and changing and what I believe today I may not next year (or even next week) because again, I am committed to growing and changing. If this makes you want to send me hate mail, call me heretical and/or shame me (which I won’t allow you to do) for having an opinion that’s different from yours, this is not the blog for you. I love you just the same because THAT’S what we are called to do but you won’t hurt my feelings if you choose to unfollow, unlike or un-whatever.
Peace be with you. Peace be with us all. No exceptions.
Until more,
Praying for a protective covering over you that is filtered through God’s grace.
Hugs and prayers to you! We live in a cruel world that just seems to get crueler every day. I don’t understand why this is, but Gid has a plan for each of us. I pray your wounds heal and you become a stronger and mightier version of the wonderful woman God created. Use these experiences as stepping stones and do not let them become crutches. Keep writing and talking about your struggles because so many of us keep them inside. It’s comforting to know that everyone struggles even when we feel like we are the only ones. Please God, watch over Natalie and her family. Comfort her and ease her hurting heart. Protect her from harm and hurtful actions of others. Help her to heal and share her struggles so that others may gain comfort from her. In your name, Amen.
Hugs
Rendi
my horrors natalie! i’m so sad to hear about all that has been happening. i had no idea you have been suffering like this:( you can tell i’m not in the middle of all the gossip. i don’t hear about all this kind of thing…fortunately! i hope you are healing.
don’t allow political disagreements to affect your faith…ever! i’ve seen so much of it with this past election and it is NOT worth it no matter what side of the spectrum a person is on. i’ve watched a lot of presidents come and go as well as political beliefs that are popular. they are so fickle. the important things are friends, family and faith…and we shouldn’t be tying any of those to politics!! i know many do!
keep your eyes on Jesus, not on the people around you who are being critical. yes, it is painful. i’m glad you are healing. blessings girl.
I’m old. Perhaps I don’t understand, totally. But, here’s the “thing”….you have a passion for Christ and all that’s good (and everything in between)…and you desire to discuss such topics. AMEN! You also have a passion for the political spectrum and have a desire (AND a right) to discuss various viewpoints as well as your own. AMEN! As long as you can have civil discourse with those who might disagree, then so-be-it. Where I draw the line is when one is “in the pulpit” and then I’ve no desire to have sermons laced with political pontifications….period. That said, if you are in a leadership role, then, you might want to determine how best you can reach and enrich the most,. You are gifted. Please continue to use those gifts in the most wise ways. Always remember…you are loved,.
Why can’t we all support each other instead of tearing one another down? Support others triumphs instead of badmouthing because of jealousy. You have done well and some can’t stand that. Injustice is a hard pill to swallow – the sudden glass of ice down the back. Forge ahead. I know you have it in you. Peace.
Thank you for sharing, Natalie. More than you could ever know, in doing so, you are extending your hand to countless others who are with you in your pain and suffering, lifting them up with you as you rise from the ashes. Your words help put perspective on difficult things and then inspire movement forward. Love to you, friend. We need to have a glass of wine together sometime very soon.
The last two years have been hard for all of our family…..You are so right to look around at the faces you see ,and admire/love all of them….I hope you have God’s sweet peace when day is done….I LOVE YOU, Meemo….KOP KOP KOP
I have found your blog very refreshing over the years, keep it up! Religiousity and personal beliefs have to be aligned with Christ but so often in our Christian womens groups personal beliefs and opinions become what we share and speak on. I live and work in the world I need real, raw, Christ working fellowship in order to be his hands and feet. Keep it up! You encourage me. one reader at a time.
Natalie…this👆🏻…spoke so much in so many ways, and I get it. But that makes me sad in a way because, the church should be in the business of loving the broken, not breaking them more. Why do we break one another on purpose when the lasting beauty of relationship and of following Jesus is the glory is His light showing us how to be grace-givers and Truth-talkers. We need both, together, and a so much forgiveness for each other and from the world for messing that message up.
Thanks for being real, for speaking a word in a time such as now. I am praying for your heart…and my own…and all the rest of us who love Jesus but are struggling to love others, well. May we break only by His hand so we can be gilded by grace.
💓Dawn
Natalie (“daughter dear”) You know why I call you daughter! You are the 2nd daughter that I never had. I love you so much and hurt with your hurts. Here it is; little over a week before Christmas; and, as I sit here in Mililani, Hawaii, it occurred to me that I hadn’t checked your blog lately. Well, I know why you haven’t written lately, you are very, very busy with your studies; and that’s the way it should be. I, myself, don’t know how you do it; three beautiful children, busy with their lives; and, a very active husband. Wow!! But, YOU DO IT!! You just don’t realize how much you are loved by so many people. I am so sorry you’ve lost some “heart sisters”; but, I guess that’s life!! Sometimes, life gets in the way! I love you and your beautiful and heartwarming and very, very truthful blog!! Keep it up (when you get time that is!) I could go on and on; especially, since you have been a very important part of my life since just before Spencer was born!! My, how time flies!! Can’t believe that little guy is ten years old!! As I said, I could go on and on; but, I think you get my message. I love you and your family so very much; and, I miss all of you, especially this time of year when I am so many, many miles away. Take care, my dear, love you so very much;and, I will see you when I get back to the Mainland.
Much Aloha,
Betty
(And as your Meemo would say, “KOP”) I love that!!!!
13 December 2018